No jury (of mothers) in the world would convict me

The DH and I are trying to get over a tiny bump in the road at the moment. At least I think we are. He's so clueless I'm sure he hasn't thought twice about how frustrated I am with everything at the moment. It happens every so often though. We'll have a patch where we just cannot stop fighting. Maybe it's just us, but I suspect that this is marriage. Maybe not all marriages, but definitely ours.

The whole flyer business just fucks me off beyond belief. Next time I need something done I'm not going to be cheap about it, I'm just going to ask a professional. I should have done so right from the start. Thank goodness he finally sent off the copy this morning. The flyers should arrive on the 28th, so plenty of time for my show on the 31st, but still he was so slow about getting them done, and so petty when I wanted to give my opinion about something. It's MY bloody belly dance school for christ's fucking sake! If I had just gone to a professional I could have told them what *I* wanted and given them *my* opinion on whatever I wanted. You live, you learn. Done.

Then today I'm waiting around to take a shower this morning for him to watch Sara. He says he'll do it after he sends off the copy. Fine. It takes him 10 bloody years to do this! Why? I don't know. Because it takes him 10 bloody years to do freaking everything! It was because he had done something funky to the file and couldn't get it to open. Of course he's too proud to say anything to me and just continues to putter around FOREVER on his own, so when I went back to find out what the hell he was doing, and fixed the problem in 2 minutes, he was less than impressed. (*I* was less than impressed!) And he starts muttering about his horrible headache. (I'll give you a horrible headache!) I asked him to feed Sara while I was in the shower, and he starts in with "you didn't feed her yet?!" I fed her breakfast, and gave her boobies at least twice since breakfast, and I feed her every other freaking meal during the week! I think on weekends, he can feed her lunch while I am in the shower since the reason I am taking a shower at lunchtime is because he was fucking around on the computer forever! So I just yelled back as I was getting in the shower, "She's your daughter too! Take some responsibility!" Then I turned my ears and brain off because I was getting close to grabbing a heavy object and charging back into the living room.

We finally get out of the house and actually have a rather lovely afternoon. We went to his parents house to pick something up and took their dog for a walk. That was nice. Did a little shopping and then go to drop off the presents I brought back from America for his friends who had twins back in April. Sara had just fallen asleep in the car after a short tantrum in her carseat, and we were just going to drop off the presents as Akinori had more stuff he wanted to get done. Not going in the house or anything so when Akinori asked if we should wake Sara up, I told him definitely not.

A: "But she'll go right back to sleep."
Me:"Not without a lot of tears, and I don't want to go through that again, and I don't want to put her through that. It's not fair. She's tired and wants to sleep. How do you feel when I wake you up?"

I don't know about you, but I hate it when my daughter cries, for a variety of reasons, but mostly it makes me sad to see her sad. If I can prevent her from being sad, then I would like to do so, within reason anyway. I have no intention of spoiling her and buying out Toys'R Us to please her, or anything like that. But not waking her from a much needed nap? I think that's the least I can do.

So the husband comes out and gets the presents and says to wait a minute, he'll be right back. So he comes out with his wife and one of the twins, the other one is SLEEPING! So Akinori decides we should wake Sara up after all and pulls her out of the car. His friends are even telling him, "Oh don't do that. The poor thing is sleeping so soundly." Bastard! So Sara wakes up in a good mood and is all smiles and giggly, but she rarely wakes up in a bad mood, so I'm not surprised and still not convinced that she'll go back to sleep without a fuss. Of course the moment we get back in the car the screaming starts up again, and doesn't stop until we finally get out of the car. At least it stopped.

We made one more stop before going home, and Sara slept the whole way home in the car. It was already 9:30 by the time we got home, and she didn't wake up when we brought her inside, which meant that she would have gone down for the night if we left her. Of course Mr. Smarty Pants decides that now that she's asleep it's the best time to grab a pair of tweezers and pull out the monster booger in her nose that she won't let us get anywhere near. I begged him to leave her alone this time, and that I would deal with it tomorrow when she woke up. But no. My pleas fall on the deaf ears of Mr. Mom who knows best when it comes to raising children and especially his daughter.

Of course the moment he gets within an inch of her nose, she wakes up. And this time she's full of energy. Crawling and shrieking and chasing the cat and happy to be awake and alive. Great! Is Dr. Spock planning on taking responsibility for his actions? Don't be silly! He lays down on the floor and makes a half-assed attempt at getting Sara to lay down with him before he FALLS ASLEEP! I'm beyond pissed off now, and leave Sara to crawl all over her dead-to-the-world father while I go and change into my pajamas and warm up the bedroom so we can go to sleep for real. I come back downstairs to find her sitting practically on top of his head surrounded in bum wipes. SURROUNDED! Granted I stupidly left them within her reach, but did he not feel the cold wetness on his arms? Because they were EVERYWHERE I tell you! So he wakes up to my shrieks of displeasure and is all in a muddle about what is going on. Figures it out, tells me it was my fault for leaving them where Sara could get to them because he's sleeping and has no clue. Well, he's right about the not having a clue part. I admit that it's partially my fault, but surely we have passed the point where I need to accept blame for any goings-wrong much, much earlier in the day, because if we're going to start attaching blame to all of the events of the day, let me tell you, the scales are not balanced at the end of this day.

So in light of the recent events, if I were to cause bodily harm to my husband, I can't imagine there are many mothers out there who would actually convict me of any crime. Sooooo tempting!

Never ever again!

I'm NEVER EVER EVER EVER asking my husband to do anything flyer related for me again. EVER!! I have learned my lesson. End of story. Just had to get that off my chest as I am totally and completely frustrated with him! Shoot me now! I cannot listen to another one of his goddamn excuses. Times like these make me question my sanity when I said "I do". AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Pain in the Boob

Ouch ouch ouch! I woke up yesterday morning thinking that it was probably a good idea to go to the "Mommy's Room" at the hospital where I gave birth to get an oppai (boob) massage because my boob was hurting in that oh so familiar "this isn't going to resolve itself without professional intervention" type of pain. I've been stopped up 5 or 6 times before enough to need a massage, and only once had a fever and been put on meds for it. As luck would have it two of my three Thursday afternoon belly dance students had already canceled the day before, and the third canceled that morning. That put an end to my wondering whether I should get an oppai massage or tough it out and hope that Sara eventually sucked out the pain.

When I called Mommy's Room shortly after waking up I wasn't feeling that bad, but by the time I left home my joints were aching and I could tell a fever was coming on.
I had my massage and got some meds and then called Akinori because I was feeling so bad at that point I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the day with Sara. By the time I got home, which is only a 10 minute drive, Sara was sound asleep and I was seriously contemplating sitting out in the car with her until Akinori got home because I didn't feel strong enough to carry her into the house. But the chills were getting the best of me and I decided that I needed to pull together the last of my strength, get us in the house, and get under some blankets.

I was glad that Akinori was coming home, but I wasn't too confident that he would actually be any help in looking after Sara as he mentioned on the phone that he has yet to finish my flyer (more on that later). I thought he would use me as an excuse to leave work early and then go off on his own agenda as he's been known to do in the past. (grumble grumble) Surprisingly enough though, he actually came back, packed up all of Sara's stuff and whisked her off to his parent's house. I got to go back upstairs and have another 2 hours of good sleep! I still felt like crap though when I woke up, and for the rest of the night my head was pounding so hard I wanted to poke my own eyes out. It felt like something was trying to fight it's way out by pounding through my eyes and then the back of my head alternately. Ouch ouch ouch!

Luckily I woke up this morning feeling much better, though not quite 100% yet. Akinori stayed home until 12:30, though I'm not sure how much help he really was. He did go out and get breakfast while I was sleeping. Sara was napping on the floor when he left too, so he left the living room gate open. I was still sleeping when he got home, but Sara had woken up and crawled off without making a sound, and Akinori found her in the genkan, on the floor, playing with shoes. Good thing she can't walk yet. He started giving me crap about not watching her, but he knew I was sleeping when he left, and that I'm not feeling well, AND all he had to do was close the gate when he left and there would have been no problem whatsoever. He can be such an ass sometimes.

By the time he left for work I was feeling a lot better. Just a little bit of a headache, but nothing compared to what was going on in my head the night before. I definitely wasn't feeling up to going anywhere though so Sara and I stayed in all day. Poor girl. She was going out of her head by the time daddy came home at 4:30(!!) Talk about a slacker! I made Akinori take Sara with him to go to the conbini and get us some dinner cause there's no way I was cooking tonight, and she definitely needed at least a few minutes out of the house.

Akinori then kept saying, "okay after this I'm going to the computer room to work on the flyer until xx o'clock." And he kept saying it as it got later and later until he finally went. I wanted to bug him about it so badly, but I am so tired of bugging him to do shit. Aaaarrrrggghhh! Why oh why oh why oh why can he never get anything done in a quick and timely manner? I am a fairly good procrastinator, but he is definitely the king, emperor, and grand duke of procrastination. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

This flyer I keep talking about is a flyer for my belly dance classes. Way back in June, when I first started teaching, I spoke with the owner of a chain of Indian restaurants about dancing at his restaurants. He said that he would be happy to have me dance there, but to give him some flyers first. So I went straight away to Akinori's friend who cuts my hair because I know he's a photographer as a hobby and asked him to do my hair and make-up and take some quality photos for me. Akinori said that he would make the flyer on his computer (since he had convinced me to buy Photoshop and Illustrator way back in April and they cost a mint, and I don't think he's used them for anything he said he would yet-that's a rant for another time).

So first Akinori promises to have the flyer done by the time I leave for Chicago at the beginning of September. That didn't happen because I had a lot of work come in during August that I needed to finish before I left and Akinori needed to watch Sara at night meaning he couldn't get on the computer until she fell asleep, and he usually fell asleep with her. Fine. He then promised to have the flyer finished by the time I got back from Chicago. For one whole month he had the house to himself to work undisturbed and uninterrupted! Granted there were a lot of things he needed to get done around the house while we were gone, but there's no reason he couldn't have gotten them all done, including the flyer. Of course I get back and he hasn't even started it. So unimpressed!

I get back from Chicago and my BIL is DJing at an event on Halloween and invites me to be the entertainment for the evening. I'm not getting paid for it, but it's a great chance for me to advertise and gather students and get the word out that I'm available to perform at parties and events, etc. I won't be performing for free forever and I figure I need to make some compromises to really get this off the ground. I definitely want, no NEED, to be able to distribute flyers at this event! If I want that to happen, the printer needs the copy today, of which there are two hours left. At this very moment Akinori is sitting in front of his computer still working on the flyer. Aaaarrrgghhh!

Good food and fall leaves (in the dark)

Well it wasn't me who slept in until 10 this morning. I was up at 9:30! But the other two sleeping beauties didn't wake up until a little after 10. We are a very slack household, every single one of us. I was kind of surprised Akinori actually slept that late. He's usually the first one out of bed and downstairs doing whatever unproductive thing that he does until Sara and I wake up. At least it wasn't ALL my fault we didn't get an early start on the day. That's what's important here.

Today was Sara's 10-month birthday, so we took the same photo we take every month on her birthday, ate the bentos that MIL bought for us yesterday for breakfast, took showers, and were finally out of the house just before 3! (We take our slacking seriously!) We didn't really have a destination though because in order to go see autumn leaves, like we discussed yesterday, we needed to leave the house much earlier to get anywhere before it was freezing cold outside or dark. A friend of Akinori's was working at some food show at Big Hat over the weekend, so we decided to stop by there and see what it was all about.

Well surprise surprise, it was all about food! Basically samples of all the yummy things that each prefecture around Japan is famous for. We got some yummy fried chicken wings from Nagoya, and some lamb and sausages from I don't know where. Akinori got some noodles from somewhere else and we bought some mango sherbet thingies and some frozen strawberry dessert thing and they were all, you guessed it, YUMMY! But incredibly, ridiculously expensive!! We would have been better off going to a nice restaurant and having a sit down meal. But who can say no with all that delicious food just staring you in the face, and the stall workers passing out yummy samples. And the most deadly element of the combination: a husband with absolutely no idea of what the words self restraint mean, especially when it comes to food. My poor wallet never stood a chance.

So when we left completely broke there weren't a lot of options for how to spend the rest of the day. We decided that even though the sun was just about to set, we would head off to the mountains anyway and have a nice little drive and if we made it in time to see something, even better! Well we didn't make it in time to see any leaves, or the sunset, but we had a really lovely drive through the mountains. We did see a fox run out across the road in front of the car, which was exciting. Mostly it was just nice to have about 2 hours of uninterrupted time to chat with Akinori. We haven't had that kind of time just to chat, in ages!!

Before Sara was born, on weekends we would see each other, and then when we finally moved in together, we would lay in bed chatting before falling asleep for hours sometimes. Now I think we'd both rather sleep while we have the chance, and especially with Sara sleeping in our room (between us most of the time), we dare not chat for fear of waking her up and prolonging our own chance at sleep even longer. It was really nice though, and we didn't fight once. Although I have now probably cursed myself and tomorrow we will have a knock-down drag-out argument. But today we are all love-love.

The subject of our future home came up a lot. We really want to build a home sometime in the not-so-distant future I am hoping. This last trip to Chicago made me really, really want my own home. If we have to rent, I'm very, very happy with where we live now, but this would certainly not be my first or second or even 30th choice of a house to buy. The location of our current house would definitely be my 1st choice, but then the conversation starts to get confusing. I just want my house! I don't even care if I have to be in debt the rest of my life at this point, which is something I never, ever thought I would say. But having a house that you love is worth it I think. After all we don't have any plans of ever living in the States, and that's not even an option for at least another 30 years or so. I want my house! I decided that starting January 1st I'm going to get really serious about a strict savings plan.

After we got home we watched the movie "Seven Pounds". I didn't know exactly what it was about, but I knew it was a tearjerker, and it definitely jerked more than a few tears from both me and Akinori. It was a really good movie though, but Akinori said that he never wants to watch it again. The subject matter was just too heavy for him. Fair enough.

I'd better get off to bed as I really do have to be awake before 10 tomorrow because Sara and I have our yoga class in the morning. Good night!

Now I get it!

I just uploaded some photos I took of Sara while in Chicago to my Facebook page. They're here is you want to see them:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=126637&id=619141598&l=fd80dae454
And as I was going through the photos trying to decide what to upload I realized what a poor selection of photos there were to choose from. I didn't take any photos of my parents holding Sara. I didn't take any photos of the three of us in Chicago while Akinori was there. I took very few photos period, and the thing is, I remember thinking "I'm not going to take a photo now. It's a pain. I'll take a photo of something else later."

Well at least now I understand why my husband is so damn snap happy. He takes photos of EVERYTHING, ALL the time. Which, until now, I have always thought to be quite annoying. Now I'm pretty glad he does that because if it were left up to me we'd have a few photos of Sara's first week and then maybe the odd shot here and there. Although I think the 3000 (I kid you not) or so he's taken since she was born 10 months ago is going a little too far in the other direction, but better too many than too few, right?

Alright, definitely waaaaay past my bedtime. Tomorrow we're hoping to up to the mountains for some autumn leaf-viewing. Very Japanese of us. But we're never going to get up there if I'm in bed until 10 again. Oops.

Man logic - someone please explain

Where does the time go everyday? Or maybe I am just really bad at using my time effectively. Or maybe my husband is really bad at using my time effectively. OR maybe a combination of all of the above.

I was up until 3am last night working on a new translation project that came in. It's worth a good chunk of money when it's finally finished, but it's going to take FOREVER! I'm still trying to work out whether the money is worth the time. Anyway Sara was kind enough to sleep in until 11(!!!!) with me this morning. Is my daughter full of filial piety or what? More like "or what" since she is still not up to her normal game yet. I think she's slept way more than half of today. Kind of nice, but I'm kind of missing my energetic, smiley, happy little girl. I haven't seen her in awhile, and although she can be exhausting, she's a lot of fun to be around. This new sick Sara is not nearly as fun, and definitely causes me a lot more worry.

Akinori had the day off work today and I asked him yesterday if he would watch Sara while I go and get my hair cut. He gladly agreed, but he had his own schedule of things he wanted to get done. Did he do these things while Sara and I were sleeping until 11? No. Lord knows what he was doing during that time. Did he even bother to take a shower while we were still sleeping? No, he waited until we woke up. My hair cut was at 2, so I wanted him to be back by 1 so I had a chance to take a shower too. Around 12:00 he gallantly offered to take Sara with him to run errands. Perfect! Off with both of you! Well if he's going to take Sara then he's not going to run his errands until I go for my haircut, but he will go to the yummy bakery and get something for us to eat for breakfast/lunch. Okay, I appreciate this effort, but please hurry up. I want to take a shower before getting my haircut. Brunch arrives at 12:55. (Mumbling under my breath) Sara falls asleep on me as I scarf down my bagel and I'm finally off to the shower. She's still asleep when I get out. It's nearly 2, and I'm rushing to get dressed and ready. I'm ready to go. Akinori tells me he doesn't want to take the baby bag I usually use, please prepare the other bag for her. What was he doing while I took my shower and the baby slept? Could he not have prepared this bag himself? I really do not understand the thought process that goes on in my husband's head at least 65% of the time. If there were a manual, I would buy it. Better yet I would learn how to reprogram it to make more sense. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. I love him oodles and oodles in fact. I just find myself completely confused by his thought process far too often.

Anyway I got my hair cut. It was nice to have a few hours to myself. I even got a little bit of choreography done while sitting in the chair and listening to my iPod. Akinori came to pick me up and we went to Starbucks. Yeah! Been craving Starbucks since I had my last one over a week ago. Then we went to Tokyu to get our parking voucher stamped by one of Akinori's friends who works there, and ended up handing over my engagement ring to have it appraised and adjusted since Akinori had no time to do that when he first bought it. The ring was too big to begin with and with all the weight I've lost over the last couple of years I have to be careful not to fling my arms around or the ring just flies off. I couldn't show my face at home again if I lost that ring. We've been meaning to do this for two years, so at least it's done now. However by the time we finished all of the paperwork and what not it was 5:50, and I had a belly dance lesson to teach at 6:00.

So off I run to teach. The lesson tonight was only an hour since I had to add it last minute, and only 1 student showed up. But 1 student is better than 0, and it's exercise and practice for me too. I would love to belly dance all day everyday if I had the option. Unfortunately I only had an hour today. Again better than nothing.

I got a call from my translation client during the lesson asking where the first part of the translation was since it was due today. Oops. Forgot to send it off before leaving the house for my haircut. No problem, sending it as soon as I get home, which will be in 10 minutes. I finally sent off the file approximately 90 minutes after the phone call. These things happen. Better late than never right? Hmm, my client is probably having a little trouble understanding my thought process right about now.

Race Against the Clock...

I don't really have the time to be writing this right now, but I feel like if I don't grab this one peaceful minute I will get so far behind in blogging that I may just give it up again.

We've been back from Chicago for two weeks today. Wow! Time flies! It feels like we came back yesterday, but it also feels like we never left. And now that I think about it, yesterday was the one year anniversary of me arriving in Nagano. Time REALLY does fly. I'm A LOT happier now than when I first arrived. Things have changed so much. I can't believe it. That also means that my baby's first birthday is approaching. Crazy, crazy stuff! I can't believe she's going to be a year already! Wow! Only 17 more to go, and if they go by this fast, she's going to be out of the house in no time, and I'm going to be a grandma before you know it. Okay, I think I'll slow down a bit now because I'm really not ready to be a grandma yet.

My lunch with T that I wrote about last time was interesting. He's married now, which he never told me. Hmmm. I'm really happy for him, and really happy that we never got married. That boy has relationship issues that need more attention than I would be willing to give. I wish his wife luck! They haven't even been married a year and they're already in counseling and he's talking about divorce. Oh brother! I have to say I definitely feel like I married the right person. Akinori told me the other day that the only way we would ever break up is if I packed up and left. No matter what happened or what I did, he wouldn't leave me. Kind of sweet I thought, but kind of silly to tell me that. He knows how much I love a good party, and the trouble I can get into. Is he giving me free license to do whatever I want? Although after he said that I realized I would never do anything that would purposely put our relationship in jeapordy, and he probably knows that.

The first week we were back was quiet and uneventful. We went to a BBQ that was a lot of fun and I made a new friend which was nice. Not a mommy friend, and it's always nice to have a couple of not mommy friends. My BIL asked me to perform at an event he's planning on Halloween night. So I'm pretty excited about my first public performance in Nagano.

Then last Saturday we went to listen to a talk given by a former buyer for Barney's New York and Isetan in the next town. Sara had a bit of a runny nose, but there was a Halloween party being held afterward and stupid parents that we are we wanted to show her off in her Halloween costume, so we dragged her there anyway. Next day she gets a fever, we go to the Dr. get meds, the fever continues to climb. Go to the Dr. the next day, get more meds. Finally yesterday morning no more fever. The Dr. thinks it wasn't our irresponsibility, but rather 突発性発心, called Roseola in English. Most babies here get it apparently, and it comes on spontaneously, not contracted, so it wouldn't matter if we took her out the night before or not. Well, there's no rash yet which is supposed to come out after the fever goes away, so I'm not yet convinced that our poor baby's illness isn't our fault. Luckily I'm still breastfeeding because I can't get her to eat anything, and with all the medicine we've been pouring down her throat, she won't open her mouth for anything but the boob or senbei now anyway. Hopefully when she's fully recovered she'll want to eat a real meal again. Having a sick baby is so horrible in so many ways. It's awful to watch your child suffer, and see them so listless when they are usually so full of energy and happy. It's awful to not be able to get any sleep yourself because you're up all night with a baby who can't sleep unless you, and you alone, not daddy, only mommy, are holding her. It's awful to not be able to leave the house because your baby can't leave the house. But most of all, because she's still so tiny and can't speak, she can't tell me what's wrong. She can only cry and it makes me so sad to see her so sad and unhappy. Thank goodness she is finally feeling a little better because I couldn't handle this for much longer. We were watching some horrible TV show where a mother was looking after her dying child in the hospital. Oh my god. I think I used up at least half a box of tissues. Not a good show to watch when your own child is sick.

Okay, well I feel kind of caught up and today we are stepping out of the house just for a little while so I've got to go and get ready. If the weather had been awful this past week I don't think I would have minded staying home at all, but it's been so beautiful everyday we have been stuck inside I'm going nuts!!! Here's hoping for the best!

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Akinori went back to Japan yesterday. I was sooooo sad all day. I don't know how many times I cried. I think there was a bit of PMS mixed in with the loneliness though, and EVERYTHING I watched on TV made me cry. EVERYTHING. It was getting a little ridiculous, and I think poor Sara was very confused at her mother's uncontrollable weepiness. I really wish he stayed longer, and of course he said several times, "I should have stayed longer". He said the same thing when we came two years ago, and this year extended his stay by one bleeding day!! I told him a zillion and a half times 4 flipping days was not long enough, but of course he never listens to me. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother offering my opinion when I know he's only going to disagree. Besides my constant griping though, I love him to death and miss him terribly. I was so relieved when he called to say he got in okay.

We ended up not getting to the cemetery until Monday morning. The cemetery is closed on Saturdays for the Sabbath and it's closed for all major Jewish holidays, and of course Sunday was a major Jewish holiday, so we finally got to the cemetery on Monday. It was kind of cathartic to finally visit my grandmother after so long, but still made me very sad. I was happy to finally introduce my husband and daughter to her and my grandfather though, and I'm sure they were happy to meet their grandson-in-law and great-granddaughter too.

After the cemetery we went shopping downtown and got some good omiyage for Akinori's family and all the neighbors. Of course we forgot to buy some so I have to get more before I go back. I'm going to have to ship a few boxes I think because there is no way we're getting all of our stuff back to Japan in only the suitcases I brought with me, and certainly not under the weight limit. We then met my parents at the local mall to get some family photos taken. My shithead brother was supposed to make it into town in time for the family party the day before, but didn't. Then he was supposed to get here in time for the photos, but he and his wife decided to go to her parents' house first even though we told them about the photos way ahead of time. We went to dinner after the photos and my brother's family was supposed to meet us for dessert, and by the time they showed up it was nearly 10p.m. and Sara was a mess. So we skipped dessert and made them come back with us to my parent's house where we had a nice visit, but it was ridiculously late by the time they left and we finally got to bed. Plus I was having trouble being warm to them since they had been pissing me off for days on end at that point.

Today is now Wednesday and Sara and I met my friend J and her daughter to go to the zoo. I knew that getting out today would undo all the yucky feelings I had the day before. It was great to see J too. It was probably about 12 or 13 years since I had last seen her and she really didn't look any different than I remembered her. She has a great house and her husband is an amazing artist. I really enjoyed spending time with her and her daughter today. I only wish we had more time to spend. I had to leave around 2:30 because I had a belly dance class today. Another great class. I really love this teacher and can't wait to go back to Japan and teach my students all the wonderful things I'm learning. I'm going to a group class tomorrow night and then my last class is next week. So sad.

Aside from the belly dance class tomorrow night I have lunch plans with T. If I had never moved to Japan, T and I would probably be married with children right now, which is why we have a lunch date with Sara and not a dinner date while my parents babysit. I could write a whole book about my romance with T, and I definitely think it would make a really great movie, but it is completely innocent these days. I just enjoy seeing him for drinks or lunch when I come into town, and we reminisce about the old days and have a good catch up. Of course I make sure I am looking my absolute best when I see him, but really, what else would you expect? Speaking of which, it's time for me to go and get some beauty rest for tomorrow. 'Night!

Small favors and small pants

So yesterday I was unfortunately unable to find anything to do that didn't involve whipping out the credit card OR going to an ATM machine, so I did both and went to the mall and got some shopping for myself done. Up until now I haven't really seen too many clothing items that I just *had to have* so I hadn't really purchased anything for myself, besides shopping for Sara, my little dress-up doll, is so much more fun! But breastfeeding has been an absolute godsend and I am at a weight now that I haven't seen in at least 6 or 7 years, and even then it was just for a little while, so really since high school, and my clothes, especially pants, just don't fit anymore. Like even a belt doesn't help, don't fit. So even before coming to Chicago I knew I needed to buy at least a few pairs of pants.

First on my list was a pair of jeans and I found a really nice pair at Express. Then I went to the GAP thinking I'd get maybe one more pair of jeans, but I found a nice pair of capri pants on sale and tried them on in a size 10, but found to my very, very pleasant surprise they were too big! So I tried a size 8, and they fit, even a little roomy! Of course I couldn't say no to buying a pair of pants in a size I hadn't bought in nearly 20 years! I wore them all day today and they feel like maybe they are even a little too roomy. Could I possibly be a size 6?! I think I might have to throw a party for myself if that's the case.

My only worry now is what will happen when I stop breastfeeding? Is this weight going to all come back? Will belly dancing keep it off? I also have all these clothes that don't fit now. Do I sell them or give them away or do I keep them so I can wear them as maternity clothes the next time I get pregnant? I've heard one of the best ways to keep weight off is to get rid of your "fat" clothes because then you have no choice but to lose a few pounds when your new "skinny" clothes start getting tight. Hmmm. I'll think about that when I get back to Japan.

After shopping, I had a belly dance lesson, that I felt much better after than the one on Tuesday. I told the master guru teacher about how crappy I felt after Tuesday's lesson, and she kind of helped me get through everything I was feeling. She is such an amazing teacher. I really wish I had more time here, like a year, so I could really, really study with her. She teaches not only moves and steps, but the rhythms and which of your muscles are moving in order to move the body parts you want to move, and how to teach certain things, and Arabic vocabulary, just amazing. I really loved my teachers in Japan, but this master guru is truly a master guru. Oh I am so glad I found her! Too bad I can only fit in 2 possibly 3 more lessons with her. Makes me sad. But we talked about her maybe coming out to Japan to do some workshops so hopefully we can make that a reality sooner rather than later.

Akinori arrived today. I am so happy to see him! Of course I missed him, but I really missed having someone to help me look after Sara. It's been really hard looking after her on my own the last two weeks. I already explained in a previous post about my parents and their grandparenting, so having another pair of hands that I can pass Sara off to, guilt-free, is awesome! And Sara is really happy to see her father. The smile on her face was priceless. When I get on a computer that can take a memory stick I'll post photos because I rarely get to see a smile as big as the ones I saw today.

I had planned to take Akinori and Sara out to the cemetery where my maternal grandparents are buried after picking Akinori up from the airport. My grandmother raised me, and I haven't been to her grave since her funeral. I'm still not over her death, and just the thought of her can bring tears to my eyes, so going to her grave has been more than I could handle for the last 12 years, but I really want my grandmother to meet my husband and my daughter, who I named after her, and I want them to meet her, so to speak.

So we arrived at the cemetery at 3:50, and there was a sign posted saying it closed at 3:30, but the gate was open, so we drove in. A car was following us as soon as we got in, making me think someone else was there to visit a grave and the sign was just old and wrong. But when I eventually stopped, the car pulled up next to us, and the man inside told us that the cemetery gates were closing in 10 minutes. I tried to explain I was looking for my grandmother's grave, and I just started crying. I think the man in the other car was a little surprised because his gruff manner all of a sudden softened. The cemetery is huge and I knew we wouldn't find the graves within the next 10 minutes, and the office with people who can help you do that was already closed according to the man, so we turned around and left. I cried and cried and cried.

We plan on going back tomorrow, and I know I'm going to cry a lot more again tomorrow, but this is something I need to do. I miss my grandmother so much (crying again). It hurts just as much today as it did the day I got the phone call from my mother she had died. Will it ever get any easier? I don't know how to get past this pain. I think that's one more reason I prefer living in Japan. I'm not faced with the absence of my grandmother every single day. She lived with us since I was 2 years old, so being in my parents' house is a reminder everyday, that my grandmother is not. I sit on the sofa and look at where her easy chair used to be, and I can still picture her sitting there watching TV. Her bedroom is now my mother's office, and it pisses me off to no end that one would never know that was where my grandmother slept every night for 20 years, unless you told them. Her bed and dressers are gone. Her clothes are no longer in the closet. Needless to say I have a hard time going in there. I miss her so much. I wish my husband and daughter could meet her in person, she would just adore them and I'm sure they would adore her back.

Alright, gotta get to bed and get some rest before the crying fest tomorrow.

p.s. My mother has been sitting next to me jabbering away about something or other the entire time I've been typing this not even paying attention to the fact that I'm not paying attention to her OR crying. Oh mom! Now I have to get her off to bed too!

Belly Dance Blues

I had a private belly dance lesson on Wednesday night. It was a great lesson. I learned a lot and was reminded of moves and other things I had forgotten. BUT I was having trouble keeping up with some of the combinations or getting them down really. I know if I practiced them at home and then went back and did them again, I'd get it, but it really made me feel like a beginning dancer and what the hell am I doing teaching kind of feeling, and kind of depressed in general. Let's just say it was a very humbling experience. I think the master guru belly dance instructor was also a little bit disappointed with my performance. And the most horrible thing is that when I get frustrated I don't perform as well, and then I get more frustrated and perform even worse, and it's just a vicious cycle. I have another lesson tomorrow night so I am hoping I wasn't too traumatized by the last lesson and can perform at the lesson tomorrow night. I think I am going to need a bit of ego stroking before I go back to Japan to teach and really make an effort to build my school. I really felt like I had no business teaching after that last lesson. (sigh)

In other news, yet another friend canceled on me. I was going to meet my friend and her daughter to go to the zoo tomorrow, but her husband developed pink eye, and she's not sure whether she or her daughter have contracted it yet, so we decided to play it safe and postpone til next week. Not a big deal, I think another friend mentioned going to some park tomorrow anyway, so I'm sure we can find something to do that preferably doesn't involve me whipping out the credit card or stopping at an ATM every hour or so.

Tonight however, I went to CLK's house for dinner with his family and CM's family. It was so nice to see everyone. I was thinking in the car on the way home how I knew CLK and CM before either of them were married, or even dating their wives, and now all three of us are married and have children. It was one of those nights that make me sad I don't live here and can't see those people I hold near and dear to my heart more often. And it was a school night, so we had to say goodnight early because everyone has to work or go to school tomorrow. Of course there's no guarantee I would see them more often even if I did live here. CM is so busy with work and his 3 kids, I don't think anyone sees him very often.

CLK has a really beautiful home. The kitchen alone is about the same size as the first floor of our house. That's another thing that kind of makes me sad about not living in America. Not that we would ever be able to afford a home of that size even in America, but it would cost millions of dollars to build a home like that in Japan, and it would start depreciating in value the moment we moved in. To tell you the truth, I don't necessarily want to live in such a big, glorious home, but it's really nice to have the opportunity to visit them once in awhile. :)
Ah well, someday (hopefully in the not-too-distant future) we will build our own home, and it will be nice, and comfortable, if not spacious, and I won't have to lust over other people's homes anymore.

CM also has a little girl who was born 1 week before Sara. It was really funny to see the two of them in the same room. Sara is a little taller and a LOT skinnier and moves, A LOT more. Abby is very content to just sit apparently, and although she turned 9 months last week, still has no desire to crawl, where Sara on the other hand is a crawling, climbing, getting-ready-to-walk monster on wheels! Both sets of parents tonight agreed that in their experience of the 5 children among them, they had never seen a baby so incredibly, not just mobile, but active. Yes, we have one 8-kilo ball of trouble on our hands, and boy are we proud! Actually, having every parent I meet be amazed and astonished at how active Sara is just makes me feel more and more justified that I am such a bad housekeeper and cook. Maybe not the desired effect, but at least I don't feel as guilty about not vacuuming or being able to make dinner most nights of the week anymore.

Off to bed now so I can recharge for another fun day of chasing baby!