Merry Christmas Baby!

And to everyone else too! I was not raised in a Christian household so never celebrated Christmas growing up. In fact, I felt quite left out from the holiday that the entire rest of the world seemed to be celebrating. Then I moved to Japan and found that they celebrate Christmas here in a way that I can relate to; it's not religious, and other foreigners living here tend to get together and celebrate together since they are also without their families. Perfect! So I kind of like celebrating Christmas in Japan as it makes me feel normal.

Last year, Sara was exactly a week old on Christmas and we ordered a pizza from Domino's and Akinori brought home some KFC, MIL got us a tiramisu cake, and sat in front of the TV watching movies. This year no KFC, but pretty much the same celebration. I kind of like it. I don't have to cook, and I don't have to feel guilty about not cooking. Who could ask for anything more?

We got Sara this activity table thing from Fisher Price. It makes lots of noise and Sara seems to love it. We wanted to get her a different one, but it was 1/3 of the price, and of course sold out by the time we got to Toys 'R' Us. So we got the big expensive one instead. Oh well. We're hoping to have lots of kiddies in the future so hopefully it will get well-used.

I got Akinori the DSLR camera he has been wanting for ages and I refused to let him buy. Well I shouldn't say "THE" camera, more like "A" camera. Part of the reason I got it for him was because I could control how much was spent on it, besides that fact that I knew he would just be happy to get one, no matter what model. So I got one from Yahoo Auctions. I think I did pretty well. Not 100% new, but barely used and a recent model, though not the newest. He was thrilled when he opened it, and that's all that matters. That and that it didn't break the bank, though it came close!

Akinori got me a pair of red Wellington boots and an antique gold watch. Both sweet ideas, but definitely not what I would have chosen for me if I was going to buy me a Christmas present. To tell you the truth, I don't know what I would have bought me. I don't really want anything. Maybe some music editing software so that I finally edit music I use when I dance, but I was happy with the boots and watch. I need the boots anyway, living in Nagano, and they are very cute. Some relatively expensive brand. Not too interested in brand name items, but if they keep my feet warm and dry, then I'm happy. I knew about the watch beforehand since Akinori's friend is a jeweler, and had 2 antique watches in his possession that he was willing to sell to Akinori for a very reasonable price, and Akinori asked me which one I preferred about a week ago. I have 3 watches already that I really like, and I don't wear any of them, so why he thought I needed another one, I'm not sure, but again, it's the thought that counts and certainly better than nothing at all.

I kind of knew about the boots too since he asked me my shoe size the other day, and I don't even remember the reason he gave it was so lame. He's always going on about how I need proper snow boots though, so I figured it out pretty easily.

So Christmas has been pretty uneventful, which is fine by me. To tell you the truth, I'm glad it's over and we can get on with the Shogatsu festivities. That's more my cup of tea. Akinori's oldest younger sister will be coming from Saitama tomorrow with her two kids, and her husband will joining later, so lots of family get togethers while they're here. I love his family, and I love when we all get together, so I am really looking forward to the next week or two.

Then we're going to Kyushu from the 4th to the 7th to visit my homestay sister and
her family. I hope it's a few degrees warmer there than it is here. We get one night in a hotel in Fukuoka with our plane tickets, but we're not going to use it. Such a waste. Oh well. We'd have Sara with us anyway, so not all that much of a hotel worthy vacation, and I think we'll actually get more relaxation by staying at my homestay family's house because there will be so many people eager to play with Sara.

Akinori and I have been doing our best to produce more offspring, and I wish there was a way of knowing if you're pregnant or not like two days after the deed rather than waiting for your next period. I think I might be, but I guess we have to wait another week or 2 before we know for sure. My temperature has been elevated the last few days, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up until I miss my period.

And I think that's really all there is to say at the moment. Akinori is off designing the nengajo at the moment. We're totally late with this, and I'm trying to stay out of his way because it will only cause an argument if I put my 2 cents in. Remember in "When Harry Met Sally" when Carrie Fisher tells Bruno Kirby, "Everybody thinks they have good taste, but they couldn't possibly all have good taste." That pretty much sums up our relationship and the cause of 85% of our fights. It was easy last year when Sara was only a week old when we made the nengajo and there were only 100 or so pictures to choose from. Now there are 7000! Yes, that's right folks. My snap happy husband has taken roughly 7000 photos of our daughter in the first year of her life. And of course we absolutely cannot agree on which photo to use, so I have stopped caring.

Well I suppose I should put the computer away and get more stuff done while Sara is still napping. Have a great Boxing Day!

Happy Birthday Baby!

Last Friday was Sara's 1st birthday. I still can't believe I have a child and am responsible for keeping another living being alive. And I can't believe that I am so clucky for another one already since I didn't think I would be wanting number 2 for at least another year or two.

Anyway, I started writing Sara's birth story AGES ago. I wanted to get it all out before I forgot, and of course I now probably have forgotten many important details, but I would like to make sure that I have it written down some place once and for all. It's quite long so don't feel obligated to read it. I wrote this basically for myself so I wouldn't forget even more details than I already have. So one year later, here is the story of how Sara Sylvie made it into the world...finally.

It was never my intention to have a natural birth. In fact I've always been quite afraid of the pain of childbirth and I was looking forward to the option of an epidural if I felt I couldn't stand the pain. Unfortunately I didn't find out until I was 34 weeks pregnant that the clinic I was going to give birth at offered no pain relief, which is quite common here in Japan.

My husband and I lived about a 6 hour drive apart from the time we started dating until we had been married for a year and a half and I was 8 months pregnant. We knew eventually I would have to move from Osaka, where I had been living for the last 11 years, and had a successful career, to Nagano, where my husband was born and raised and works with his father at the family business. This plan got fast forwarded when I got pregnant. Hence my husband choosing the hospital I gave birth at based solely on the fact that his sisters both gave birth there and had good experiences. I trusted him, and the hospital's homepage looked nice so I didn't do anymore research than that.

In Japan there are specific maternity clinics or hospitals, as they're called, as well as large general hospitals where you can give birth. My hospital was the former which meant that midwives would be seeing over the actual birth and the doctor was around in case anything out of the ordinary happened or stitches were needed. However over the course of your pregnancy it is the doctor who exams you at check-ups and you have the opportunity to meet with the midwife once or twice along the way. It was at this meeting where we discussed my birth plan and I was finally able to ask about pain relief. The answer I got was "we don't offer any and we usually tell patients with a low pain threshold to go elsewhere early on in their pregnancy". I was hearing this at 34 weeks pregnant. It didn't really seem like I had a choice at that point. The midwife reassured me that no one ever died from the pain of childbirth and that she was sure I could do it, plus with my large Western frame, I would probably have a very easy birth. I wasn't convinced, but I wasn't about to look for a new hospital either.

My due date was December 13th, but I was sure my baby was coming on December 15th as that is the day my maternal grandmother, who raised me, and who we were planning on naming our daughter after, passed away 11 years earlier. December 13th and then 15th came and went with no sign of baby ready to come out. My mom was sure that couldn't be right and went so far as to call the funeral home where we had grandma's funeral to confirm the date of her death and make sure we weren't mistaken. I was getting really frustrated as everyone I knew who was pregnant around that time seemed to be having their babies before me. My cousin was due 5 weeks after I was and she ended up giving birth before me. I tried to stay positive but pregnancy had stopped being fun around the beginning of the 8th month and I was ready to meet my daughter already, with or without pain relief!

At 4 o'clock a.m. on December 17th I woke up because I felt something dripping. I was sure my water broke and I woke up my husband and called the hospital who told me to come in right away. Upon arrival they did a PH test on the fluid leaking from me, but the paper didn't change color, meaning it was not amniotic fluid I was leaking. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor and said they would keep me there until a doctor came in at 8 so that he could do an internal exam and determine whether or not my water had broken. Around 6 o'clock I started getting what felt like period cramps so I called the nurse again. Having never given birth before I thought this was the real deal, and started timing what I thought were contractions. They never got strong or regular and despite all my hoping and praying, they stopped completely after about 2 hours.

However the doctor did do an exam to make sure I was not actually in labor first before sending me home. They called me from the room I was resting in, and brought me into one of the labor rooms, where Nurse Ratched (I swear the scariest nurse I have ever met in my life!) tells me to undress and then doesn't tell me that she is going to strap me into the chair as she takes the leather straps and wraps them around my legs. I was already frightened by the whole procedure, and this woman was so unsoothing. If I had been about to go into labor, I think she scared Sara back up into my uterus.

Result of the exam was that I had lost my mucus plug but no baby today. As I was disappointedly walking back to the room to collect my stuff and check myself out of the hospital, we ran into one of the nurses, who also happens to be a friend of a friend. It was the first time I was meeting her, but Akinori had met her before. I can't remember the exact conversation now, but I think I made some sort of a joke and she said, when you're having real contractions you won't be able to smile and laugh. She was so right.

Before I left the hospital we had to make an appointment for the next morning since once you lose your mucus plug, and are past your due date, the doctor wants to see you every day. We went home and the whole day I had what felt like mild menstrual cramps. I think we finally got into bed just before midnight when at midnight I felt a contraction that was much more painful than what I had felt before. I told Akinori and he was already asleep so he was just kind of like "mmmmm, let me know if you need anything." 15 minutes later I felt another contraction, but they weren't getting any stronger, so after about 2 hours I thought it best that I try to get some sleep as tomorrow was surely going to be THE day.

I remember waking up next 4:44 to a more painful contraction, but was too tired to stay awake and time them so I fell back asleep. The next contraction I woke up to was at 5:55 or something like that. I wish I could remember now. My doctor's appointment was for 8:30 so I had set me alarm for 7:00 and exactly at 7, along with my alarm, I had a REAL contraction. This one was much, much more painful than anything I had felt before. But I was still tired so I hit the snooze button. 10 minutes later along with my alarm, another contraction. No need for a stopwatch when you have a snooze button!

Finally at 7:30 I got out of bed, and woke Akinori up telling him this was the real thing and we were going to the hospital earlier than my expected. He wanted to take a shower first, so he did and I stood in the living room pacing around and breathing. We were finally ready to go just before 8 I think. On the way, Akinori took a photo of the clock in the car. It shows the date, time and temperature. I was not very amused at the time, but now I guess I'm glad he took the photo.

We get to the hospital and I gave them my card, and since I knew they were going to hook me up to the NST monitor, I told them that they should probably put me in a separate room since I was having contractions and they were painful and it would probably scare the other pregnant ladies, as they hook up 4 women at a time. The woman at the reception desk told me to wait for a minute, and a minute or two later a nurse called me from upstairs and said they were going to check me in.

They hooked me up to a NST monitor in the room, and Akinori timed the contractions. He was so good. Writing down the times on a notepad. He had other instructions written in the notepad too. We discussed what he should and should not say while I was having contractions, and he had written it all down. Of course at one point he says "Uchi no okusan wa itami ni yowai kara ne" (My wife doesn't handle pain well). I could have strangled him, and of course I will never, ever let him forget that little faux pas.

But the times of the contractions were still irregular, and possibly not that strong because Akinori asked if there was a chance I would get sent home again, and the nurse replied that if the contractions didn't even out, there was a good chance I would. I told Akinori when she walked out of the room that there was no way I was leaving the hospital without my baby in my arms, and I think that's when Sara decided to cooperate.

It seemed like I was hooked up to the monitor forever, but when they finally took me off, the nurse said it would probably take at least until the evening before Sara made an appearance. I was not having any of that either. There was no way I could stand the pain for another several hours. I think it was around 10 a.m. at that point. I went to the bathroom and when I came back my next contraction was 5 minutes later, the one after that 3 minutes, the one after that 2 minutes. I was really needing a nurse or midwife to stay with me and massage my back because whenever they did it, I felt so much better, and Akinori was pretty much crap at it, but apparently there were several other women also in labor at the same time and they were busy and understaffed. 8 babies were born that day at the same hospital. When we asked later they said busy days like that happen maybe once a year, if that.

When a nurse was there at one point I felt like my water had broke, and announced that mid-contraction. She checked and it seemed like it had, and then she left again. I don't know how much longer after a nurse came in again, and I told her I couldn't take much more. Akinori was getting worried that I was going to go insane from the pain since the 2 minute contractions came on all of a sudden and weren't giving me much of a rest in between. She decided to take a look, and said "Wow, you're 8 cm. Let's move you to an LDR." It was about 11:15 now, only an hour or so after I was told it was going to take all day.

I had one arm around the nurse and one arm around Akinori, had another contraction then WALKED to the LDR where they started hooking me up to the monitor and an IV. Akinori had to leave the room while all that was happening. I remember being terrified of being left alone, which I was at one point. I just felt like I needed someone touching me somehow. Akinori's hand to squeeze or someone's hand on my back. I was laying on my side holding on to the side rails for dear life.

They finally let Akinori back in twenty minutes later, and I was ready to push. My body just took over and started pushing. The midwife asked me to turn onto my back and I so did not want to, but they turned me anyway. It only took 2 pushes and they started shouting at me to stop pushing and put my hands on my chest, to which I replied "MURI!!!" (I can't!) and Akinori put my hands on my chest for me. One more push and at 12:17 p.m. Sara was out, weighing 3060 grams and 50.5 cm long. The midwife was cleaning her up and said she was going to cut the umbilical cord, which we had decided Akinori would do, and it was written in my birth plan. All I could get out at that moment though was "Papa! Papa! Papa!" And I held Sara and the video camera as Akinori cut the cord.

They took Sara away to be cleaned up and measured, and Akinori went with while the doctor came in to sew me up. I only needed 3 stitches, which the doctor said was very few for a first time mother. Then they brought Sara back in and she started breastfeeding right away. They left Akinori, Sara and me alone for an hour or so, then they came back for Sara. I had to stay on the IV for awhile yet and Akinori stayed with me. Normally they keep you in the LDR for 3 hours after giving birth, but after 2 I had to pee very badly. One of the nurses escorted me, holding the IV, while I walked to the bathroom and back. (What happened to the wheelchairs you see pregnant women and new mothers getting pushed around in on TV?) Then about 5 minutes later they asked if I could return to my room as there were other ladies who needed the LDR and I seemed pretty genki.

I was more than happy to go back to my room, and I was on a total adrenaline high. I wanted to sleep, but couldn't. I just wanted to be with my baby, and I couldn't wait for them to bring her back to me, which they did a few hours later for a feed. Sara was great at latching on right from the start, but it was painful, as I wasn't used to it. Akinori's family came a little bit later, and it was a string of visitors until I left the hospital. That was a huge mistake. I know Akinori was proud and wanted to show off his new daughter, and I did too at first, but my hormones were more whacked out than I could handle and I lost it on the 4th day. I started crying around 11p.m. the 3rd night, and didn't stop all night and into the next morning.

The nurse who was on duty that night came in several times to make sure I was okay and I tried to hide tears. But she was so kind and so attentive that it made me cry even more. The morning nurse was the friend of a friend, and the night nurse told her that I seemed especially tired, so when she came in to check on me in the morning and was being attentive I nice, I totally lost it. She stayed with me though and listened to me ramble about lord knows what, since I was a completely hormone-induced crying insane mess. But she made me feel a lot better, and said that the reason they keep you in the hospital so long is so that you can rest, not so people can come in and out and see the baby, there's plenty of time to do that when you get home.

That made things a lot clearer for me, and I asked everyone who had planned on visiting that day to please not come. I called Akinori crying and told him to drop whatever he was doing and come to the hospital ASAP because I needed him there with me. Once he was there I told him he needed to tell his friends not to come for a visit until we were home.

We left the hospital with Sara weighing only 4 grams less than when she was born, and the staff was very impressed with how well she breastfed and how much milk I was producing. I was just happy to have a healthy baby. She started smiling 3 days after she was born which just totally melted my heart. I know they say that babies don't feel joy until they are about 8 months old, but I would like to think that Sara was just happy to be born. I was certainly happy that she was. Here is my baby's 3 day old smile .

Better luck next time

Fucking Fuji TV!! Apparently over 200 babies showed up for the audition. Some audition! If it were a real audition, there is no doubt in my mind we would have made it on TV, I know I am prejudiced towards my own child, but Sara was definitely one of, if not *the* cutest baby I saw there today. Even the other mothers standing in line were going on and on about how cute the hafu baby is, and she should be a model and blah, blah, blah. Plus we were the only gaijin or half baby there! Come on now! I've worked in the entertainment industry long enough in this country and been on TV enough times to know that that fact alone should have pushed us through the door, nevermind getting a foot in!

So we get a number, fill out a questionairre and then wait and wait and wait. Then they call 20 babies in to the set at a time, which by the way is so tiny I was shocked. It looks huge on TV! So so so tiny! The director or someone explains that because there are so many people, there's no time for a real audition and a box with balls will be passed around. Amongst the balls, there is only 1 red ball. Whoever picks the red ball of the 20 people gets to be on the show. Once the red ball is picked, that's it. Everyone else can go home. WHAAAAT???

The first mother picks a ball...it's red. WHAAAAT?!?! I came all the way from Nagano to wait in line all morning for a lottery? Not even a real audition? So unfair. I was hoping someone would pull us out of line and say "your baby's so cute, we'd like you to stay" but really, it's like a 2 minute portion of the show. I'm sure they don't care that much how cute the babies really are. It must be some kind of sign from the powers that be, "don't exploit your child". Message received, but not sure if I'll listen.

Although I never heard from the band either, going to Tokyo wasn't a total bust. (I was pretty sure I wouldn't hear from them anyway) I got to see one of my friends from USJ who is now living and working in Tokyo for lunch and then I went to another friend's house to hang out for awhile before going back to Nagano. The 2nd friend is also an interpeter and she gave me some leads on work in Tokyo so that was at least productive. It was really good to see them both, and I got to have a truly delicious avocado cheeseburger for lunch at Kuaina Burger. That in itself may have been worth the trip!

I literally had to run to catch the Shinkansen on the way back though which is not so easy with a stroller and baby luggage for a full day trip. But I managed to make it onto the train about 10 seconds before the doors closed. Sara was an angel and slept the entire trip home, and I met a really interesting woman on the train. She works for CLAIR, which I believe is the branch of the Ministry of Education in charge of the JET program. She gave me her business card, and I'm thinking it might be a good idea to send her an email to say hello and nice meeting you and all, because who knows where that might lead? Connections are always a good thing to have in this country!

So all in all going to Tokyo today was a very good thing, but Fuji TV can kiss my big white ass!

親ばかすぎる？ (Too proud parents?)

So the long-running lunch time TV program "Waratte Ii Tomo!" is looking for babies with smiles that are too cute or smile too much for it's opening tomorrow. Akinori and I joked over dinner a few nights ago that I should take Sara. Well, I was joking. He was fairly serious. I'll admit I think my daughter is the cutest baby I have ever seen, but really, what mother doesn't? However, Akinori REALLY thinks our daughter is the cutest baby he or anyone else has ever seen. I think he was also trying to give me an excuse to go to Tokyo and breathe some big city air for a day, and let off a little small town stress. Anyway, at that point it was just a joke, more or less.

Then today I found out that the band I interpreted for at Summer Sonic 2 years ago is coming to Tokyo tomorrow for shows in Tokyo and Osaka this week. I would love to catch up with them just for a few minutes even, to say hi, as the last time I saw them was two years ago when they came back in the fall after Summer Sonic for some shows. So if I have two reasons to go to Tokyo, I figure then it's worth it. And if I don't end up meeting with the band, which is highly likely since they are sweet, but a rock band, and thus totally unreliable, and I don't end up getting on TV with Sara, as long as I'm in Tokyo I can go to the Gap, and Starbucks (well, I can do that here, but it feels different in Tokyo) and maybe even do some Christmas shopping. Hopefully I can meet up with a friend or two who are in Tokyo as well. As long as the trip is not a total bust.

So considering what time it is, and we have a very early start tomorrow, and I want to make babies, I need to get off the computer! So if you're in Japan, tune in to Fuji TV tomorrow at noon and look for Sara and me!

Better late than never

I've been meaning to update since the fight got resolved (two hours after I posted last), but just haven't gotten around to it. I really am crap at this blogging thing.

Anyway, after fighting Akinori went into the back room to use the computer. While he was gone I wrote my blog post, and just as I was about to bring Sara back to him because it was getting harder and harder for me to fight back the tears, he emerged. So I handed the baby off and stormed upstairs and got into bed. I called my homestay sister in Kyushu, because she is the closest thing I have to a real sister and I really needed someone to talk to. She's so awesome. I'll go on about her another day though.

While I was crying to my sister on the phone, Mr. Clueless came upstairs, turned on the lights, and is all surprised and says "what are you doing? I thought you came up here to straighten up". (We've finally gotten around to straightening up after moving 6 months ago.) So I hang up the phone and explain to him that I would like him to spend the night somewhere else. He says "okay, but why?" Because I'm so fucking angry I don't want to share the same breathing space with you! That's why! He said "Okay, but I can come back tomorrow morning, right?" I tell him I don't know yet which leads to me completely breaking down. I finally got it through to him how completely insensitive his comment was and that any comments regarding my Japanese ability, especially when we're fighting are totally below the belt and not allowed, at least not until he can put together a full sentence in English.

Various other points of contention came up and we talked them through and in the end everything is fine, and we spent the rest of the week happy and in love. Yeah! This is a very good thing since lately, I know I'm totally insane for thinking this, but I cannot stop thinking about getting pregnant again. I've even been having dreams about being pregnant again.

Our original plan was 4 kids, each 2 years apart. Right after I had Sara and for the following 8 months, I was thinking that maybe 3 years before number 2 wouldn't be so bad. Then I don't know what happened, but I started thinking maybe it would be okay to try from March so that the 2nd kid would be at least 2 years younger. Then we started talking about waiting for Sara's birthday (which is quite unbelievably next week!), and now I just don't care, I want a baby!

I'm not sure why I am so keen on being pregnant again, especially when I think about all the negative things about being pregnant and having children, and especially very young ones, and how much I miss my pre-baby life. But since there's obviously no going back now, maybe somewhere inside I have come to terms with that fact and figure, in for a penny, in for a pound (is that the right phrase?). I have never wanted to be pregnant so badly though. Not even before I got pregnant with Sara. It's like an illness! My sister thinks that maybe what I'm feeling might be Sara's own desire for siblings. Who knows what it is, but watch this space for further developments on the subject!

PMS Misery

First of all, I went back to the doctor today. Everything's fine. I was a little annoyed at the exam, but don't feel like writing about that right now.

Anyway, PMS has reared it's ugly head again, and I'm hating my husband. I mean seriously, seriously doubting why I married him. Maybe I really have made a mistake in marrying him. How do you know when you've made the worst mistake of your life? I mean I hate every fiber of his body right now. Is this just PMS? I've been bitchy and mean to him all day, and he is just bitchy and mean right back. He fixed the shoji that the cat and Sara tore this evening, and told me to move the sofa so he could put the screen back up. I told him he should say please instead of just ordering me around.

Him: "Ii kagen chiho no kotoba ni narete" (Fucking get used to the dialect here already).
Me: "Ii kagen eigo wo oboete!" (Fucking hurry up and learn English already!)
Him: "Sou iu iikata da to zettai oboenai!" (If you put it like that then there's no way I'm going to learn!)
Me: "Ja watashi mo zettai kono inaka no kotoba ni narenai!" (Then I'm not going to get used to the fucking hick language they use around here!"
Him: "Ja, ii yo!" (That's fucking fine with me!)

If you ask me, saying please and thank you, especially when he knows I'm already out for blood, is just simple courtesy, and has nothing to do with local dialects because they do in fact use please and thank you in Nagano too. (asshole!) Plus, he was the one who used the nasty way of speaking with me first, then when I use the exact same words back at him he gets a stick up his ass about it. Why did I marry this man? If I had somewhere, anywhere, I could run away to at this moment I would. I have thought about getting a hotel room numerous times tonight, but I don't want to spend the money (I hate the bastard, but I'm still cheap). I would love to send him back to his parents house, but I would rather not involve them in this.

Fuck! Crap! Shit! Why do I feel like the only one stuck in a shithole marriage with an asshole husband and totally utterly alone in the world? I am hating my life and hating my husband, and the only thing that is keeping me from completely losing it is the fact that Sara is with me and I don't like to cry in front of her.

BLAH!!

This post contains waaaaaaaay TMI

In order to blog about the day I had, I'm going to have to write about all kinds of stuff you never wanted to know about me, so before you read any further, be warned. This is also probably going to be a huge marathon post, so be warned about that too.

So my day started at 8:30 with some tapping on my leg by Akinori. I thought he was waking me up because I told him I had to go the doctor this morning, and if you don't have an appointment, which I didn't, you have to be there between 8:30 and 9:30. But no, he was waking me up to ask if it was okay to take the car to his friend's house to drop something off before his friend went to work. (Akinori randomly had the day off today.) We had a 15 minute discussion about why this arrangement was not going to work and why couldn't he take whatever it was to said friend's workplace later in the day after I came back from the doctor. I swear, I do not get my husband's train of thought sometimes.

* Begin TMI *
So I finally get out of the house at 9:15. Good thing the doctor is 5 minutes away. So the doctor I needed to see is the doctor every woman I know dreads, the gynecologist. About two weeks ago something out of the ordinary started going on in my nether region, which I naively thought might have been a result of the combination of sitting in front of the computer for hours on end every day working on that monster translation project and wearing what my husband likes to call, fundoshi (what sumo wrestlers wear) for underwear. (See, already TMI. I'm sure you really did not want to know what kind of underwear I wear.) So I made hub take a look one night, and he was like "it looks fine, this is making me horny". Needless to say I was not in the mood to relieve his problem as mine was a little more serious. And I mean really, I can understand looking at a naked woman and getting turned on, but looking straight on at the birth canal? Not so sexy, if you ask me. My husband is just weird. So I took a look with a strategically placed mirror and things definitely did not look okay. They looked red and there was a bump.

Bumps scare me because I am an HPV carrier. In my post about how I have changed over the last 12 years I mentioned that I had given up the party girl lifestyle. Well, I was a party girl well before I came to Japan, well before I was out of high school actually, and I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. One of them being about the use of condoms. I'm really lucky I only walked away with a case of genital warts and nothing worse, but when I was diagnosed with it at the age of 18, the summer before going away to uni, I was devastated. Lesson learned though! (Although that didn't stop me from being more promiscuous than I should have been, it just taught me to always carry a condom. The lesson in promiscuity came awhile later.) I haven't had an outbreak since I was probably about 20 or 21, but I had to have full on surgery with my last outbreak so the thought of warts coming back always freaks me out. Instead I get polyps every once in a while, and I had a pre-cancerous one a little while back so I have to be very careful about making sure I get biannual pap smears, something I haven't done since giving birth. Hence the worry.

I wanted to time my visit so that the doctor who saw me during my pregnancy would be the one to examine me, since he's already been there and done that. All the doctors at the clinic take turns doing maternity exams and gynecological exams but it's mostly the head doctor who does the gynecological exams and he's about 104 and just makes me uncomfortable, so of course it was him who happened to be there this morning due to some schedule shifts. Arrgh! So I go in and explain all my symptoms to a nurse after waiting for an hour. She assures me it has nothing to do with the type of underwear I wear. Silly me. But wouldn't it be nice if that were the cause and everything would go back to normal if I made a slight wardrobe change? So then the doctor sees me and before he exams me he says "Sounds like herpes." WHAAAAAATTTT???!! So he exams me, and yes, definitely herpes, and I'm going to prescribe this medicine, and you caught it very quick, this is nothing, and blah, blah, blah... All I'm thinking is, how did this happen? Is Akinori cheating on me? Did he have a cold sore the last time we got friendly? He better have had a cold sore or I'm going to kill him.

So I'm in a bit of a dumb stupor trying to wrap my head around this news when the nurse calls me back in to explain the medicine. And I just ask her point blank, "herpes is transmitted sexually, right?" You would think for someone who has contracted an STD before I would have a little more knowledge of how they work. But really, how can they just throw a diagnosis like that at you, without any explanation at all of how it manifests itself? So the nurse then explained that even if you've had chicken pox before then basically you carry the virus which can produce herpes sores, but yes, it can be transmitted sexually, so make sure your husband gets checked out too. Great, thanks for alleviating my worries. Which is it, chicken pox or sex?? And now I'm wondering, is this nurse thinking, "poor foreign girl, came to this hick town, and all for a cheating husband." OR is she thinking "dirty foreigner, can't keep your pants on, even in a town so small everyone knows your every move, and now you've probably gone and infected your husband. You and all your dirty foreign friends should be deported." And does everyone else in the waiting room know what is going on in my nether region too? It's probably written all over my face now.

I called Akinori as soon as I got back to the car and asked him if he had any cold sores recently, and he said he didn't. Then I told him what the diagnosis was, and he swore up and down, left and right and standing backward on his head on his grandmother's grave that he has not been with anyone else since we met. In my heart, I knew this was true even before I asked him, and I don't doubt that he's not lying to me. He's really not the type of person to be unfaithful, and if I had any doubts about that I wouldn't have married him in the first place. I've dated cheaters before, and one of the reasons I married Akinori was because he showed absolutely no resemblance to them whatsoever. We spent the entire dating period of our relationship living 4 hours apart and I never once doubted his faithfulness. Now we live together, and I'm going to start? It just doesn't make sense.

We both agreed that it was a good idea for him to get checked out too though so he called the Red Cross hospital, and the nurse he spoke to on the phone explained things a little better. Pretty much everyone carries the herpes virus (this I knew), and it can manifest itself in cold sores when your body is rundown and tired, or in other places that are prone to attract bacteria, ahem. I think lightbulbs clicked on in both our heads, considering I was hospitalized with mastitis last month in the middle of the monster translation project, and I was living on 4 hours of sleep a night for a month. Rundown may be a bit of an understatement.

At first Akinori was ready to run out the door and get checked out today, but then decided that he had some time, since we obviously can't get friendly again until my symptoms subside, there's no immediate rush, as in it has to be done today. It can wait until tomorrow or a little later this week. So once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I decided that it was time we got off our asses and actually did the cleaning that we've been saying we're going to for the last 3 weeks or more since we were both home on this random weekday.

* End TMI *
* Begin boring stuff *

We both had our individual projects, and of course Sara came with me, so Akinori was completely unfettered in doing what he had to get done, and yet somehow, his task remains incomplete. I purposely took Sara and closed us up in her room (since my task was tidying up her unused bedroom that has all of my clothing in it) so that he wouldn't feel like I was watching over him and nagging him, because I know he hates that and gets annoyed and then acts like a child and pouts and then nothing gets done. But it doesn't seem like that much more gets done if I'm not watching over him so I'm not sure which is the lesser of two evils.

Although it didn't look like I was doing much in Akinori's eyes either, since every time he opened the door to ask me a question I was half naked or wearing something different as I was trying to go through all of my clothes and decide what needs to go and what can stay. I have done this twice now in the past year and I still have too many clothes that I don't wear half of.

Now I'm faced with a new, albeit happy, dilemma. I have some clothes that are just old. Like ripped t-shirts that I've had since high school that have some sort of sentimental value, but really it's time to get rid of them, and I have to finally put them in the "toss" pile. But then I have some clothes that I LOVE, but they don't fit anymore because they are too big. Believe me, I would much rather have them too big than too small, and I am proud to say I am no longer the owner of any clothing that is too small on me, but at least half my wardrobe is too big on me. I hesitate to give some of this stuff away or toss it because I do plan on getting pregnant again, and hopefully I can wear this stuff then. Then of course there are all my partying outfits. How much do you want to bet I will never have occasion to wear a pair of leather pants ever again? (Nevermind that they are way too big on me now, so if I did wear them it would be as maternity pants. Ever see a pregnant woman in leather pants - in Nagano? If anyone wants a pair of size 14 black leather pants, they're all yours!) And all of my cleavage revealing tops. Thanks to breastfeeding, I don't even have any cleavage anymore. (In fact I have the nastiest shriveled boobs in the world, and it makes me very sad - please tell me future pregnancies will bring them back to life, if only for a little while.) I don't discount the fact that I may gain weight again in the future, but I don't want that to be a reason for me to hang onto bigger sized clothing. If I know bigger clothes are available to me, I won't be as motivated to take action when clothes start getting tight. So for right now, there is the "toss" pile, the "keep" pile, the "give-away" pile and the "possible future maternity wear" pile.

* End boring stuff *

Wow, this post has really been all over the place and chock full of shit you really probably never wanted to know about me, but if you've read this far, now you do.

Panty Fetish

No, not hubby, Sara. Every time I do laundry she always manages to find my underwear as I'm sorting and folding and throw it over her head. It's really kind of funny, though a little gross. I took a photo of her sitting in front of the TV wearing my underwear around her waist tonight, and I would post it, but I would rather the entire internet did not have access to photos of my underwear, no matter how difficult it is to actually make out. If you take them away from her she totally nuts out, so I just leave her have them until she can be distracted with something else.

In other news, I have decided not to blog about Mrs. X anymore as I found that actually expressing my feeling towards her in written words just stressed me out even further. I met her for coffee once during the week and was literally clenching my jaws the entire time. Why spend time with her if it causes me so much turmoil you ask? I ask myself the same question all the time. The only answer I can come up with is that she is so incredibly persistent that it is impossible to refuse her sometimes. Although when I think about it, things really have gotten better. A few months ago she was wanting to go to lunch two or three times a week, something my wallet just couldn't handle. Plus, nothing tastes particularly good when you're not enjoying the company you're with. At least now it's just coffee.

I think I was just stressed in general last week. I have gotten exactly three reservations for next month's workshops. Three reservations will almost pay for my friend's travel expenses, that still leaves the cost of the studio and her lesson fee to be covered. At least she's my friend and has agreed to do the workshops for free if there are no profits in the end, but that would really suck. I'm hoping there will be a full house at the dinner show, and I can use those profits to pay for everything else. I just don't want to end up in the red.

The other thing that really stresses me out practically everyday is money. I really, really, really want our own house someday. I hate being in debt, but I know that there's no way we could pay cash for a house, so I understand that is a debt we will probably have until we die, and I am fine with that. I just want it to happen, but I have to admit I want a nice house, one that will cost lots and lots of money, requiring a huge bank loan, and bank loans are not easy to come by these days, especially when you have little savings, a husband with a ridiculously low salary, a wife with an irregular, unstable income, and the husband is nearly 40. Luckily we won't have to buy land and we can probably put up his parents' land and house and maybe even business as collateral (even though the land is the only things really worth anything). I just want to work towards this goal and my husband is so damned laid-back, take things one day-at-a-time, maybe we'll win the lottery, attitude that it drives me CRAZY! He wasn't good with money before I met him and he's not any better now. I just don't let him touch the finances now. But I feel like there is always something around the corner to suck away at what little savings we have. I had a goal for how much we should have in the bank at the end of this month. I don't even know how it happened, but we are so not there. I really am going to have to tighten the purse strings in the new year, and unfortunately that means I have to cook a lot more, which I hate, but it seems that if I want to have my house someday, I'm going to have to bite the bullet and put on an apron. Know anywhere to find super-duper easy recipes? I could use a few dozen!

A Perfect Day

When L called yesterday to decide what time we should meet today, she suggested 9 o'clock. Not my favorite time, but getting an early start is better than starting too late, like Akinori and I usually do, hence spending only 45 minutes at the zoo yesterday before it closed. I set my alarm for 8 and ending up sleeping in until 8:30 and Sara showed no signs of waking at all. I have to say that waking up with her next to me is really the nicest possible way to wake up. She'll usually wake up at 6 or 7 for a bottle, then go back down for another 2 hours or so. She kind of starts out half asleep and half awake and rolls all over me with lots of hugs, then she gets all smiley and giggly and lots more rolling and hugging. I used to hate mornings, but now I actuallyook forward to those few minutes every morning. Amazing what kids will do for you.

Back to the point here, L was running late and called to ask if we couldn't meet at 10 instead. Perfectly fine with me! So we met up and she told me all about her time with Mrs. X. I had to laugh at a lot of what she said. I was able to guess at a lot of the stuff they talked about since Mrs. X tells the same stories over and over and OVER again, not hard to imagine what their conversation was like, well not really a conversation really is it when only 1 person does the talking.

Anyway, L and I went to a flea market that was happening about a 2 minute walk from our house first, where she picked up a few really super cute items. I just walked around showing off my super cute baby. When we left the flea market, we didn't really have any plans for what we were going to do next, but I was really up for a bit of an adventure. So we got in the car and went to Hakuba. I hadn't been to Hakuba since I went snowboarding about 8 years ago, but I had really been wanting to go since I heard there was a large foreign population there and lots of stores and restaurants that cater to them. The drive took a lot less time than I expected, and when Hakuba came into sight, this is what it looked like...


It was soooooo breathtakingly beautiful. Forget the fact that I HATE snow, it was just too beautiful to be concerned about the cold.

Now that we were in Hakuba, we were hungry and I tried to find somewhere to eat using the GPS. A place came up that I knew I had heard of, so we tried to go there, but it was closed. It was along a mountain road that was lined with pensions, so I guess maybe it's only open during the ski season. It looked cute though so it's too bad it wasn't open. The area was beautiful so we drove around for a little while, then turned around and decided that we really needed to find a place to eat. So we just went into the first place we found that was open, which also happened to be quite cute, and yummy! Here's Sara and mommy getting ready to eat. (Mommy looking a little bit like a witch I think, maybe that would explain the lack of a smile on Sara's face.)



After lunch there wasn't much to do since it's not ski season yet, so we decided to drive closer to the ski slopes and check them out and then head home. Not one phone call or text from Mrs. X all day. Peace.

We came back to our house and hung out for a bit before L had to go and meet someone else. Akinori came home early and got to meet her briefly, then he took a quick shower and we went to the annual Ebisuko fireworks display. Wow! Japanese fireworks displays are amazing. I haven't been to one in the States in years and years, but I don't remember them being nearly as long. This fireworks display went on for nearly TWO HOURS!! It was cold, but worth it. Here's just a sample...

Apparently it's one of the largest displays in the country, especially nowadays considering the bad economy. No one's wasting their money on fireworks anymore, except for the good people of Nagano. One more good reason to live here I guess!

Catch me if you can!

So the other night I wrote a post, posted it, then deleted it. I felt a bit evil for ranting about a certain person. She's not a blogger, nor does she read blogs, and I didn't name her, or even "initial" her, and when I went back and read it, I didn't even write anything that horrible. I just felt bad though, and I feel even worse now since I have been doing my best to avoid this person the last few days, but I feel that it's all I can do to keep my sanity.

One day not too long ago, this woman who I am going to call Mrs. X called and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee. I had plans with my new friend L in the afternoon, but I said I could meet for a little while before that. So we did, and when it came time for me to meet L, Mrs. X said she would just say hello and then go. Of course that is not what happened. L shows up and Mrs. X doesn't leave, she stays, and she doesn't stop talking for 30 minutes, straight. Then she suggests that we all get another drink at Starbucks. L and I hadn't seen each other in over a month and we were both looking forward to catching up, but couldn't because Mrs. X was not letting anyone get one word in.

So then Mrs. X graciously offers to drive me home. I told her that was okay, I wanted to do some shopping at the department store next door for dinner. She says, "okay, I'll go shopping with you, then drive you home." The point was that I didn't want her to drive me home. I wanted to have a chance to have just a few minutes alone with L, so we could catch up even a little. So I told her that Akinori was planning on coming to get us after. I felt so bad lying, but the woman was just not taking a hint! She got it then then though I think because she scuttled out of there in a rush.

Sometimes Mrs. X will call to meet up 3 times in a week, but usually just once. I can handle once, but more than that becomes painful. Sometimes when I haven't seen her for awhile I really enjoy spending time with her too, but sometimes it drives me insane, especially since she spends 95% of the time we're together talking non-stop. That is no exaggeration either. Once in a while she'll ask a question and I can give a one-word answer, and then she'll go and expound on my answer in the absolute opposite direction of where I was headed, but it is impossible to stop her, and more impossible to shut her up.

Friday there were 6 of us at lunch. It always kills me to meet with her in a group because she has to control the conversation where everyone is listening to her, or if she can't do that, then she will corner one person and talk their ear off the entire time. I just get so annoyed. It's like she sucks the fun out of what would otherwise be a really fun lunch for me. So when she texted me to invite me out on Saturday night, and said that she had invited L too, there was no way I was going. I felt bad for leaving L with her, but I figured that L is an adult and she can make own choices about whom she chooses to hang out with and can say no if she wants to.

L and I have plans for Monday and I wanted to call her and talk about those before she caught up with Mrs. X on Saturday night. When I called her she said she wasn't going to meet up with her that night afterall, but was going to meet her for lunch Sunday instead, and did I want to go? I said that we didn't have plans, and it was only lunch, so call me and maybe yes, I would meet for lunch, but when Akinori and I got home, we decided that we would go to his friend's restaurant for lunch and then take Sara to the zoo, so that meant lunch was out. Oh well.

I got a text from Mrs. X then today inviting me to lunch with L, and then saying that L was going to go up to her house and then out to dinner with her in the evening near her house, and inviting me to join them too. We had plans, so I refused but I couldn't help feeling sorry for L since it sounded like she was being kidnapped. I wondered if L even knew of these plans that Mrs. X had for the whole evening. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I see L.

Apparently though Mrs. X knows that L and I are meeting tomorrow because L called me today in front of her. She said that she was waiting for a moment alone to call me, but that never happened so she just said fuck it, and called. I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be getting a text message or phone call from Mrs. X tomorrow asking me what I'm doing or wanting to join us. I really don't want that to happen because I am putting my foot down. I hate being a bitch about this, and I feel like I am being mean and petty, but I need a break. I need to be able to meet up with a friend and actually have a conversation with that friend, and I can't do that when Mrs. X is around. NO ONE can have a conversation with Mrs. X is around.

I really am not a catty person I don't think. I enjoy a good piece of gossip as much as the next person, but that's just me being nosy really. I don't enjoy seeing anyone get hurt, and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone, no matter how much they annoy me, but I really do not know what I can do to avoid this person any longer. I don't really want to be brutally honest with her because I think it will hurt her, and I don't think it will help the real problem, which is her inability to stop talking and actually listen to others.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings, but tomorrow is bringing an early morning with L, so it's time to go to sleep for now.

Sweet, sweet freedom!

Hello World! I'm back from hell, and it wasn't fun. I finished a fairly painful translation project this afternoon, and I actually had butterflies in my stomach as I was typing up the last few sentences. It wasn't all that bad. About half was laughably easy, but the other half was so freaking painful I wanted to cry. I didn't get to sleep before 2a.m. once in the last week and a half I think. Akinori and I had a big fight towards the end because I wanted more help from him with Sara and he felt that he was doing a lot as it was and I just wasn't appreciating it. We had a nice long talk about that though and both felt a lot better about things at the end I think. Anyway, it's done and now I'm just waiting for the big fat paycheck at the end of December. Can't wait!!

In other news from friend K is coming from Osaka to do some workshops here in Nagano. She and I started belly dancing together and were kind of partners until I changed jobs and became a slave to USJ. I had to quit dancing completely for about a year and in that time she started teaching and taking all kinds of workshops and really improving as a dancer. By the time I got back to dancing, we were in completely different leagues. But now she is a great source of information, inspiration and encouragement and I can't wait to see her and I can't wait to see how the workshops turn out. We're doing two, one on Friday night and one Saturday afternoon and then a show at an Indian restaurant (the closest thing to Middle Eastern Nagano has to offer) later that night, where I'm also going to have a cake for Sara's birthday, since she will turn 1 the day before. I cannot believe my baby is going to be 1 already!

Anyway it's all very exciting and busy, and working on that translation project was just killing me as I was thinking about organzing belly dance stuff every moment and it was sooo hard to stay focused! I was actually really lucky to get a dance studio and the restaurant organized only a month out from the event. I went to a few places and they were either booked up, cost way too much, or really shitty studios. I then decided to contact a place I didn't think I had a chance in hell of booking, and not only were their rates reasonable, the dates I wanted open, and a really nice studio, but they want me to teach belly dance there from the new year. Well, sort of. It would just like what I'm doing now, paying for the studio myself, and organizing all the students on my own. But they would advertise on their homepage for me, which is a huge plus! But the place I rent now is run by the city, and ridiculously cheap - 200 yen an hour! The studio, although reasonable, is not nearly as cheap, which means I would really have to have a good number of students to make it worth it. As it is now, there are times when I only have one student show up to a lesson. That wouldn't even pay for the cost of the studio if I moved to the dance studio. It's definitely something to think about for the future, but I don't think I'm brave enough to take that plunge right now. We'll see how things go after the workshops. Hopefully I'll get a few more students.

Alright, well it's now the next day already, and Sara needs my attention. I've been sitting in front of the computer all day for the last month. Time to go outside and get some Vitamin D for us!

Day 5 of No Boobies

I don't know if this is going well or not. I thought Sara would be more fussy and grabbier at my boobs, but she's pretty good unless she's tired, and then she starts peeking into my shirt and trying to pull it down. But I got her down for a nap without boobies for the first time ever today. I felt like it was a huge triumph. We got her down to sleep last night and the night before with no boobies, but she woke up in the middle of the night both nights. At least she only woke up once, and not the 3 or 4 times she had been waking up lately. Last night was pretty bad though.

Sara woke up around 2:30, and I tried shushing her and patting her back and putting my face close to hers, and even letting her grab my hair, which is really painful and I don't normally let her get away with, but nothing was working for more than a few minutes. She finally starting to really wail and I asked Akinori to pick her up and rock her. My boobs were still so painful I couldn't hold her close to me. He tried but she was too wiggly and upset. He said we should just ignore her and let her cry it out. He was very good at it, I was not. I felt SOOOO guilty knowing that I had the power to put her right back to sleep and I wasn't using it. I am glad though that we made the "official" decision to stop BFing or I would have just broken down and given her some, no matter how painful. She really is a good baby though and even when she's having a tantrum, it's not non-stopping crying for hours or even minutes on end. She'll give a few good screams, and then she'll be quite for another minute or so, then some more screams, then another few minutes of quiet. It's kind of misleading really. You never know if she's calmed down, or if she's just resting for the next round. Anyway, during one of the quiet times I heard her stomach growl. (Akinori was also against trying to give her a bottle because he's afraid that that will become her new habit in the middle of the night.) So I woke him up and got him to make her a bottle, and she drank it and fell right back asleep. Ahh, peace is restored.

This morning I went for another "massage" at the Mommy's Room, and it actually didn't hurt nearly as much as I thought it would and I feel so much better. My boobs are no longer rocks anymore, thank goodness! That was soooooo painful, all the time. It was really hard to get a good night's sleep like that. Stop reading if you get grossed out easily! There was all kinds of milk crumbs coming out too. So gross. She explained though that my nipples had a lot of sores on them, and continuing to breasteed would be putting myself at further risk for infection because of the germs that could get in from Sara's mouth. So even if my breasts swell and are sore they are far less likely to get infected. She also said that it looked like the worst had past, and that it should be downhill from here. That was honestly the best news I have heard all week!

Not much else going on. After finishing at Mommy's Room I stopped by Yamada Denki because they have a book section there and I picked up a 家計簿 - household account keeping book. I really feel like I need to start keeping a closer eye on where we're spending our money. I have big goals for saving, and I want to reach them quickly because I want my goddamn house! Especially now. This house is so so so so cold! OMG!! I have no idea how we are going to stay warm this winter. I thought we were all going to wake up turned into icicles this morning. Yesterday and last night were freaky cold, and it's going to get warmer the rest of the week so we have a little bit of time to figure this out, but DAMN it is cold in this house right now! I want to build a nice, warm, insulated, centrally heated house!

Alright, I need to get back to my translation project because I got very, very little done while I was in the hospital and a loooong way to go on it.

Exciting Weekend!

But not in a good way.
I was supposed to take Sara, dressed as an adorable little poodle, to the Halloween March down the shopping arcade on Saturday morning, and then have my Nagano belly dance debut Saturday night. No such luck.

Friday night I finished practicing for Saturday, and was ready for a nice relaxing bath and bed when my left boob started hurting again. So while I was in the bath I tried to relieve some of the pain myself, but I'm no professional, and it just wasn't working. I got out of the bath and could already feel a fever coming on. It was about 11 or 12 at night at this point, and I was feeling too bad to even sit and watch TV with Akinori, so I told him I was going to bed. He grabs Sara and brings her up, which I was less than thrilled about because it meant that I had to wake up with her if she woke up before he got there. He could have just brought her up when he came up and let me sleep peacefully, but I was too tired to argue. Sara pretty much stayed asleep anyway. In the meantime the pain was getting worse and worse, to the point where I couldn't raise my right arm, and my fever was climbing. When Sara did finally wake up, I tried to nurse her and it was so painful I let out a yelp or something that totally freaked her out and she was inconsolable and so was I. So Akinori kept telling me to call the maternity clinic where I gave birth, but I wasn't so keen on calling them in the middle of the night for something less than contractions that are 10 minutes apart or water breaking, but I finally did when I couldn't take anymore at 2:30.

I tell the nurse on call my symptoms, she consults with a midwife, and they tell me to come in. I do and am subjected to the most painful oppai massage of my entire life. I don't even know any words that can describe how painful it was. I honestly wanted them to just cut the damn things off. I just kept thinking in my head, "Was giving birth more painful than this? It couldn't have been. There's no way." Not to mention that my whole body was in pain from the fever to begin with. Just a bad, bad, bad situation. So after a few hours of torture, a more senior midwife comes in and takes a look, puts me through so more pain, and finally says, "If you're willing to think about giving up breastfeeding, I think it's a good idea for you to check into the hospital for a few days. If you don't want to give up breastfeeding, we'll send you home with some antibiotics."

I had a good think about it and considering the recent problems I've been having, and that the root of the problem is most likely Sara and the fact that she uses my nipples as a pacifier and pulls on them, but more than anything was that I couldn't handle the pain any longer, and if giving up breastfeeding was the answer, than I think it would probably be best for everyone. I was starting to find myself not exactly angry, but almost a little resentful of my daughter, and I didn't that feeling to continue or progress. Plus, there is the chance that she'll finally start sleeping through the night. Although giving up breastfeeding makes me really, really worried about gaining weight back. I lost so much, and I was actually hoping to lose two more kilos. I know at this point I don't need to lose anymore, but those two kilos are important to me and I'm not sure I can do it without that little bit of extra help. Hell, I'm not sure I can maintain this weight without the extra help. But mostly I'll miss that time with my baby. Our little connection that her father cannot understand or replace no matter how hard he tries. I'm afraid of losing that closeness with her, but I chose to be admitted. I wanted to breastfeed for at least a year, but I just can't keep going through this. When weighing the pros and cons, it just makes more sense for me to give it up now.

They gave me a pill to reduce my fever, and called Akinori into the room. I had to go to the bathroom and he said he'd wait to take Sara home until I got back. I think it was about 5 or 6 at this point. I got up and felt kind of woozy, made it to the toilet, did my business, and started to feel incredibly, horribly sick. So I pressed the nurse call button in the toilet. I felt like such an ass, sitting on the toilet still and opening the door for the nurse to come in, but I was just in time because at that point my entire body started to feel all tingly and then I couldn't move, anything. My mouth and tongue were all tingly too. My hands were frozen with my fingers all drawn together. I couldn't move anything. It was so scary. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. And it was really painful. It was like getting a full body charley horse. I guess when they say "she went into convulsions" this is what they are talking about. Very scary. They got a wheelchair and wheeled me back to bed and took my blood pressure, which was just a little low, so I guess they were no longer as worried, and just had me breathe deeply and slowly. So finally the convulsions passed, Akinori came back into the room, said goodbye, and they stuck an IV me in for a few hours while I finally got some sleep. I had been awake for a looooong time at that point.

So that was all for the really exciting part. I'm totally poked full of holes though. I think I had about 8 or 9 IVs while I was in the hospital for just that short time, and they took blood twice. I started feeling much better by late Saturday, except for my boobs which are totally and completed swollen and ballooned and needing to be drained of milk, but I've been told that draining them will only make the whole process more drawn out, so not to touch them. Just keep icing them, and taking antibiotics. I am so loaded up on antibiotics right now, I'm sure I'm impervious to a whole slew of diseases!

I'm still trying to figure out if I should teach my belly dance class tomorrow night. I obviously can't do much dancing myself, but I can still watch my students move, and instruct, and I can honestly use the money, after that unexpected hospital bill. I guess I'll wait and see how I feel tomorrow. Thank goodness it's a national holiday and Akinori will be home because this house is a MESS! I was gone a weekend and all hell has broken loose, and my daughter cannot walk more than three steps on her own yet, so how the ENTIRE house got into such disarray I will never figure out. Although I shouldn't be surprised. I saw what Akinori's apartment looked like when he lived alone while we were still dating. Barely space enough for one person to walk from the front door to the toilet. (Sigh) makes me remember what my apartment looked like when I still lived alone. I miss the space! The emptiness! The lack of *things*!

Alright, I guess it's time for me to try and get some sleep, though these huge, hard-as-rock, melons on my chest make it kind of difficult to get comfortable. Okay, even the cat is telling me it's time for bed now as she sits in front of the living room door staring at me, waiting for me to go upstairs. Goodnight!

Grounded

I'm grounding myself from blogging and from reading blogs and Facebook for the next few days at least, and possibly weeks. I have a HUGE translation project going, and I'll never make my deadlines if I keep screwing around on the internet at night when I should be working. The work isn't hard, just tedious and long. I can't complain though because it is sorely needed cash. I'm also performing at my BIL's event on Saturday, and I am so not prepared. So in the hours that I'm not working on the project, I should really be practicing for Saturday. So at the very least, I'm grounding myself until Sunday. Okay before I get carried away and start writing a novel about why grounding myself is absolutely necessary, I'm going to get in the bath and then go to bed. When I'm off my grounding I'll elaborate a little more. See you in a few days folks!

No jury (of mothers) in the world would convict me

The DH and I are trying to get over a tiny bump in the road at the moment. At least I think we are. He's so clueless I'm sure he hasn't thought twice about how frustrated I am with everything at the moment. It happens every so often though. We'll have a patch where we just cannot stop fighting. Maybe it's just us, but I suspect that this is marriage. Maybe not all marriages, but definitely ours.

The whole flyer business just fucks me off beyond belief. Next time I need something done I'm not going to be cheap about it, I'm just going to ask a professional. I should have done so right from the start. Thank goodness he finally sent off the copy this morning. The flyers should arrive on the 28th, so plenty of time for my show on the 31st, but still he was so slow about getting them done, and so petty when I wanted to give my opinion about something. It's MY bloody belly dance school for christ's fucking sake! If I had just gone to a professional I could have told them what *I* wanted and given them *my* opinion on whatever I wanted. You live, you learn. Done.

Then today I'm waiting around to take a shower this morning for him to watch Sara. He says he'll do it after he sends off the copy. Fine. It takes him 10 bloody years to do this! Why? I don't know. Because it takes him 10 bloody years to do freaking everything! It was because he had done something funky to the file and couldn't get it to open. Of course he's too proud to say anything to me and just continues to putter around FOREVER on his own, so when I went back to find out what the hell he was doing, and fixed the problem in 2 minutes, he was less than impressed. (*I* was less than impressed!) And he starts muttering about his horrible headache. (I'll give you a horrible headache!) I asked him to feed Sara while I was in the shower, and he starts in with "you didn't feed her yet?!" I fed her breakfast, and gave her boobies at least twice since breakfast, and I feed her every other freaking meal during the week! I think on weekends, he can feed her lunch while I am in the shower since the reason I am taking a shower at lunchtime is because he was fucking around on the computer forever! So I just yelled back as I was getting in the shower, "She's your daughter too! Take some responsibility!" Then I turned my ears and brain off because I was getting close to grabbing a heavy object and charging back into the living room.

We finally get out of the house and actually have a rather lovely afternoon. We went to his parents house to pick something up and took their dog for a walk. That was nice. Did a little shopping and then go to drop off the presents I brought back from America for his friends who had twins back in April. Sara had just fallen asleep in the car after a short tantrum in her carseat, and we were just going to drop off the presents as Akinori had more stuff he wanted to get done. Not going in the house or anything so when Akinori asked if we should wake Sara up, I told him definitely not.

A: "But she'll go right back to sleep."
Me:"Not without a lot of tears, and I don't want to go through that again, and I don't want to put her through that. It's not fair. She's tired and wants to sleep. How do you feel when I wake you up?"

I don't know about you, but I hate it when my daughter cries, for a variety of reasons, but mostly it makes me sad to see her sad. If I can prevent her from being sad, then I would like to do so, within reason anyway. I have no intention of spoiling her and buying out Toys'R Us to please her, or anything like that. But not waking her from a much needed nap? I think that's the least I can do.

So the husband comes out and gets the presents and says to wait a minute, he'll be right back. So he comes out with his wife and one of the twins, the other one is SLEEPING! So Akinori decides we should wake Sara up after all and pulls her out of the car. His friends are even telling him, "Oh don't do that. The poor thing is sleeping so soundly." Bastard! So Sara wakes up in a good mood and is all smiles and giggly, but she rarely wakes up in a bad mood, so I'm not surprised and still not convinced that she'll go back to sleep without a fuss. Of course the moment we get back in the car the screaming starts up again, and doesn't stop until we finally get out of the car. At least it stopped.

We made one more stop before going home, and Sara slept the whole way home in the car. It was already 9:30 by the time we got home, and she didn't wake up when we brought her inside, which meant that she would have gone down for the night if we left her. Of course Mr. Smarty Pants decides that now that she's asleep it's the best time to grab a pair of tweezers and pull out the monster booger in her nose that she won't let us get anywhere near. I begged him to leave her alone this time, and that I would deal with it tomorrow when she woke up. But no. My pleas fall on the deaf ears of Mr. Mom who knows best when it comes to raising children and especially his daughter.

Of course the moment he gets within an inch of her nose, she wakes up. And this time she's full of energy. Crawling and shrieking and chasing the cat and happy to be awake and alive. Great! Is Dr. Spock planning on taking responsibility for his actions? Don't be silly! He lays down on the floor and makes a half-assed attempt at getting Sara to lay down with him before he FALLS ASLEEP! I'm beyond pissed off now, and leave Sara to crawl all over her dead-to-the-world father while I go and change into my pajamas and warm up the bedroom so we can go to sleep for real. I come back downstairs to find her sitting practically on top of his head surrounded in bum wipes. SURROUNDED! Granted I stupidly left them within her reach, but did he not feel the cold wetness on his arms? Because they were EVERYWHERE I tell you! So he wakes up to my shrieks of displeasure and is all in a muddle about what is going on. Figures it out, tells me it was my fault for leaving them where Sara could get to them because he's sleeping and has no clue. Well, he's right about the not having a clue part. I admit that it's partially my fault, but surely we have passed the point where I need to accept blame for any goings-wrong much, much earlier in the day, because if we're going to start attaching blame to all of the events of the day, let me tell you, the scales are not balanced at the end of this day.

So in light of the recent events, if I were to cause bodily harm to my husband, I can't imagine there are many mothers out there who would actually convict me of any crime. Sooooo tempting!

Never ever again!

I'm NEVER EVER EVER EVER asking my husband to do anything flyer related for me again. EVER!! I have learned my lesson. End of story. Just had to get that off my chest as I am totally and completely frustrated with him! Shoot me now! I cannot listen to another one of his goddamn excuses. Times like these make me question my sanity when I said "I do". AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Pain in the Boob

Ouch ouch ouch! I woke up yesterday morning thinking that it was probably a good idea to go to the "Mommy's Room" at the hospital where I gave birth to get an oppai (boob) massage because my boob was hurting in that oh so familiar "this isn't going to resolve itself without professional intervention" type of pain. I've been stopped up 5 or 6 times before enough to need a massage, and only once had a fever and been put on meds for it. As luck would have it two of my three Thursday afternoon belly dance students had already canceled the day before, and the third canceled that morning. That put an end to my wondering whether I should get an oppai massage or tough it out and hope that Sara eventually sucked out the pain.

When I called Mommy's Room shortly after waking up I wasn't feeling that bad, but by the time I left home my joints were aching and I could tell a fever was coming on.
I had my massage and got some meds and then called Akinori because I was feeling so bad at that point I didn't know how I was going to make it through the rest of the day with Sara. By the time I got home, which is only a 10 minute drive, Sara was sound asleep and I was seriously contemplating sitting out in the car with her until Akinori got home because I didn't feel strong enough to carry her into the house. But the chills were getting the best of me and I decided that I needed to pull together the last of my strength, get us in the house, and get under some blankets.

I was glad that Akinori was coming home, but I wasn't too confident that he would actually be any help in looking after Sara as he mentioned on the phone that he has yet to finish my flyer (more on that later). I thought he would use me as an excuse to leave work early and then go off on his own agenda as he's been known to do in the past. (grumble grumble) Surprisingly enough though, he actually came back, packed up all of Sara's stuff and whisked her off to his parent's house. I got to go back upstairs and have another 2 hours of good sleep! I still felt like crap though when I woke up, and for the rest of the night my head was pounding so hard I wanted to poke my own eyes out. It felt like something was trying to fight it's way out by pounding through my eyes and then the back of my head alternately. Ouch ouch ouch!

Luckily I woke up this morning feeling much better, though not quite 100% yet. Akinori stayed home until 12:30, though I'm not sure how much help he really was. He did go out and get breakfast while I was sleeping. Sara was napping on the floor when he left too, so he left the living room gate open. I was still sleeping when he got home, but Sara had woken up and crawled off without making a sound, and Akinori found her in the genkan, on the floor, playing with shoes. Good thing she can't walk yet. He started giving me crap about not watching her, but he knew I was sleeping when he left, and that I'm not feeling well, AND all he had to do was close the gate when he left and there would have been no problem whatsoever. He can be such an ass sometimes.

By the time he left for work I was feeling a lot better. Just a little bit of a headache, but nothing compared to what was going on in my head the night before. I definitely wasn't feeling up to going anywhere though so Sara and I stayed in all day. Poor girl. She was going out of her head by the time daddy came home at 4:30(!!) Talk about a slacker! I made Akinori take Sara with him to go to the conbini and get us some dinner cause there's no way I was cooking tonight, and she definitely needed at least a few minutes out of the house.

Akinori then kept saying, "okay after this I'm going to the computer room to work on the flyer until xx o'clock." And he kept saying it as it got later and later until he finally went. I wanted to bug him about it so badly, but I am so tired of bugging him to do shit. Aaaarrrrggghhh! Why oh why oh why oh why can he never get anything done in a quick and timely manner? I am a fairly good procrastinator, but he is definitely the king, emperor, and grand duke of procrastination. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

This flyer I keep talking about is a flyer for my belly dance classes. Way back in June, when I first started teaching, I spoke with the owner of a chain of Indian restaurants about dancing at his restaurants. He said that he would be happy to have me dance there, but to give him some flyers first. So I went straight away to Akinori's friend who cuts my hair because I know he's a photographer as a hobby and asked him to do my hair and make-up and take some quality photos for me. Akinori said that he would make the flyer on his computer (since he had convinced me to buy Photoshop and Illustrator way back in April and they cost a mint, and I don't think he's used them for anything he said he would yet-that's a rant for another time).

So first Akinori promises to have the flyer done by the time I leave for Chicago at the beginning of September. That didn't happen because I had a lot of work come in during August that I needed to finish before I left and Akinori needed to watch Sara at night meaning he couldn't get on the computer until she fell asleep, and he usually fell asleep with her. Fine. He then promised to have the flyer finished by the time I got back from Chicago. For one whole month he had the house to himself to work undisturbed and uninterrupted! Granted there were a lot of things he needed to get done around the house while we were gone, but there's no reason he couldn't have gotten them all done, including the flyer. Of course I get back and he hasn't even started it. So unimpressed!

I get back from Chicago and my BIL is DJing at an event on Halloween and invites me to be the entertainment for the evening. I'm not getting paid for it, but it's a great chance for me to advertise and gather students and get the word out that I'm available to perform at parties and events, etc. I won't be performing for free forever and I figure I need to make some compromises to really get this off the ground. I definitely want, no NEED, to be able to distribute flyers at this event! If I want that to happen, the printer needs the copy today, of which there are two hours left. At this very moment Akinori is sitting in front of his computer still working on the flyer. Aaaarrrgghhh!

Good food and fall leaves (in the dark)

Well it wasn't me who slept in until 10 this morning. I was up at 9:30! But the other two sleeping beauties didn't wake up until a little after 10. We are a very slack household, every single one of us. I was kind of surprised Akinori actually slept that late. He's usually the first one out of bed and downstairs doing whatever unproductive thing that he does until Sara and I wake up. At least it wasn't ALL my fault we didn't get an early start on the day. That's what's important here.

Today was Sara's 10-month birthday, so we took the same photo we take every month on her birthday, ate the bentos that MIL bought for us yesterday for breakfast, took showers, and were finally out of the house just before 3! (We take our slacking seriously!) We didn't really have a destination though because in order to go see autumn leaves, like we discussed yesterday, we needed to leave the house much earlier to get anywhere before it was freezing cold outside or dark. A friend of Akinori's was working at some food show at Big Hat over the weekend, so we decided to stop by there and see what it was all about.

Well surprise surprise, it was all about food! Basically samples of all the yummy things that each prefecture around Japan is famous for. We got some yummy fried chicken wings from Nagoya, and some lamb and sausages from I don't know where. Akinori got some noodles from somewhere else and we bought some mango sherbet thingies and some frozen strawberry dessert thing and they were all, you guessed it, YUMMY! But incredibly, ridiculously expensive!! We would have been better off going to a nice restaurant and having a sit down meal. But who can say no with all that delicious food just staring you in the face, and the stall workers passing out yummy samples. And the most deadly element of the combination: a husband with absolutely no idea of what the words self restraint mean, especially when it comes to food. My poor wallet never stood a chance.

So when we left completely broke there weren't a lot of options for how to spend the rest of the day. We decided that even though the sun was just about to set, we would head off to the mountains anyway and have a nice little drive and if we made it in time to see something, even better! Well we didn't make it in time to see any leaves, or the sunset, but we had a really lovely drive through the mountains. We did see a fox run out across the road in front of the car, which was exciting. Mostly it was just nice to have about 2 hours of uninterrupted time to chat with Akinori. We haven't had that kind of time just to chat, in ages!!

Before Sara was born, on weekends we would see each other, and then when we finally moved in together, we would lay in bed chatting before falling asleep for hours sometimes. Now I think we'd both rather sleep while we have the chance, and especially with Sara sleeping in our room (between us most of the time), we dare not chat for fear of waking her up and prolonging our own chance at sleep even longer. It was really nice though, and we didn't fight once. Although I have now probably cursed myself and tomorrow we will have a knock-down drag-out argument. But today we are all love-love.

The subject of our future home came up a lot. We really want to build a home sometime in the not-so-distant future I am hoping. This last trip to Chicago made me really, really want my own home. If we have to rent, I'm very, very happy with where we live now, but this would certainly not be my first or second or even 30th choice of a house to buy. The location of our current house would definitely be my 1st choice, but then the conversation starts to get confusing. I just want my house! I don't even care if I have to be in debt the rest of my life at this point, which is something I never, ever thought I would say. But having a house that you love is worth it I think. After all we don't have any plans of ever living in the States, and that's not even an option for at least another 30 years or so. I want my house! I decided that starting January 1st I'm going to get really serious about a strict savings plan.

After we got home we watched the movie "Seven Pounds". I didn't know exactly what it was about, but I knew it was a tearjerker, and it definitely jerked more than a few tears from both me and Akinori. It was a really good movie though, but Akinori said that he never wants to watch it again. The subject matter was just too heavy for him. Fair enough.

I'd better get off to bed as I really do have to be awake before 10 tomorrow because Sara and I have our yoga class in the morning. Good night!

Now I get it!

I just uploaded some photos I took of Sara while in Chicago to my Facebook page. They're here is you want to see them:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=126637&id=619141598&l=fd80dae454
And as I was going through the photos trying to decide what to upload I realized what a poor selection of photos there were to choose from. I didn't take any photos of my parents holding Sara. I didn't take any photos of the three of us in Chicago while Akinori was there. I took very few photos period, and the thing is, I remember thinking "I'm not going to take a photo now. It's a pain. I'll take a photo of something else later."

Well at least now I understand why my husband is so damn snap happy. He takes photos of EVERYTHING, ALL the time. Which, until now, I have always thought to be quite annoying. Now I'm pretty glad he does that because if it were left up to me we'd have a few photos of Sara's first week and then maybe the odd shot here and there. Although I think the 3000 (I kid you not) or so he's taken since she was born 10 months ago is going a little too far in the other direction, but better too many than too few, right?

Alright, definitely waaaaay past my bedtime. Tomorrow we're hoping to up to the mountains for some autumn leaf-viewing. Very Japanese of us. But we're never going to get up there if I'm in bed until 10 again. Oops.

Man logic - someone please explain

Where does the time go everyday? Or maybe I am just really bad at using my time effectively. Or maybe my husband is really bad at using my time effectively. OR maybe a combination of all of the above.

I was up until 3am last night working on a new translation project that came in. It's worth a good chunk of money when it's finally finished, but it's going to take FOREVER! I'm still trying to work out whether the money is worth the time. Anyway Sara was kind enough to sleep in until 11(!!!!) with me this morning. Is my daughter full of filial piety or what? More like "or what" since she is still not up to her normal game yet. I think she's slept way more than half of today. Kind of nice, but I'm kind of missing my energetic, smiley, happy little girl. I haven't seen her in awhile, and although she can be exhausting, she's a lot of fun to be around. This new sick Sara is not nearly as fun, and definitely causes me a lot more worry.

Akinori had the day off work today and I asked him yesterday if he would watch Sara while I go and get my hair cut. He gladly agreed, but he had his own schedule of things he wanted to get done. Did he do these things while Sara and I were sleeping until 11? No. Lord knows what he was doing during that time. Did he even bother to take a shower while we were still sleeping? No, he waited until we woke up. My hair cut was at 2, so I wanted him to be back by 1 so I had a chance to take a shower too. Around 12:00 he gallantly offered to take Sara with him to run errands. Perfect! Off with both of you! Well if he's going to take Sara then he's not going to run his errands until I go for my haircut, but he will go to the yummy bakery and get something for us to eat for breakfast/lunch. Okay, I appreciate this effort, but please hurry up. I want to take a shower before getting my haircut. Brunch arrives at 12:55. (Mumbling under my breath) Sara falls asleep on me as I scarf down my bagel and I'm finally off to the shower. She's still asleep when I get out. It's nearly 2, and I'm rushing to get dressed and ready. I'm ready to go. Akinori tells me he doesn't want to take the baby bag I usually use, please prepare the other bag for her. What was he doing while I took my shower and the baby slept? Could he not have prepared this bag himself? I really do not understand the thought process that goes on in my husband's head at least 65% of the time. If there were a manual, I would buy it. Better yet I would learn how to reprogram it to make more sense. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. I love him oodles and oodles in fact. I just find myself completely confused by his thought process far too often.

Anyway I got my hair cut. It was nice to have a few hours to myself. I even got a little bit of choreography done while sitting in the chair and listening to my iPod. Akinori came to pick me up and we went to Starbucks. Yeah! Been craving Starbucks since I had my last one over a week ago. Then we went to Tokyu to get our parking voucher stamped by one of Akinori's friends who works there, and ended up handing over my engagement ring to have it appraised and adjusted since Akinori had no time to do that when he first bought it. The ring was too big to begin with and with all the weight I've lost over the last couple of years I have to be careful not to fling my arms around or the ring just flies off. I couldn't show my face at home again if I lost that ring. We've been meaning to do this for two years, so at least it's done now. However by the time we finished all of the paperwork and what not it was 5:50, and I had a belly dance lesson to teach at 6:00.

So off I run to teach. The lesson tonight was only an hour since I had to add it last minute, and only 1 student showed up. But 1 student is better than 0, and it's exercise and practice for me too. I would love to belly dance all day everyday if I had the option. Unfortunately I only had an hour today. Again better than nothing.

I got a call from my translation client during the lesson asking where the first part of the translation was since it was due today. Oops. Forgot to send it off before leaving the house for my haircut. No problem, sending it as soon as I get home, which will be in 10 minutes. I finally sent off the file approximately 90 minutes after the phone call. These things happen. Better late than never right? Hmm, my client is probably having a little trouble understanding my thought process right about now.

Race Against the Clock...

I don't really have the time to be writing this right now, but I feel like if I don't grab this one peaceful minute I will get so far behind in blogging that I may just give it up again.

We've been back from Chicago for two weeks today. Wow! Time flies! It feels like we came back yesterday, but it also feels like we never left. And now that I think about it, yesterday was the one year anniversary of me arriving in Nagano. Time REALLY does fly. I'm A LOT happier now than when I first arrived. Things have changed so much. I can't believe it. That also means that my baby's first birthday is approaching. Crazy, crazy stuff! I can't believe she's going to be a year already! Wow! Only 17 more to go, and if they go by this fast, she's going to be out of the house in no time, and I'm going to be a grandma before you know it. Okay, I think I'll slow down a bit now because I'm really not ready to be a grandma yet.

My lunch with T that I wrote about last time was interesting. He's married now, which he never told me. Hmmm. I'm really happy for him, and really happy that we never got married. That boy has relationship issues that need more attention than I would be willing to give. I wish his wife luck! They haven't even been married a year and they're already in counseling and he's talking about divorce. Oh brother! I have to say I definitely feel like I married the right person. Akinori told me the other day that the only way we would ever break up is if I packed up and left. No matter what happened or what I did, he wouldn't leave me. Kind of sweet I thought, but kind of silly to tell me that. He knows how much I love a good party, and the trouble I can get into. Is he giving me free license to do whatever I want? Although after he said that I realized I would never do anything that would purposely put our relationship in jeapordy, and he probably knows that.

The first week we were back was quiet and uneventful. We went to a BBQ that was a lot of fun and I made a new friend which was nice. Not a mommy friend, and it's always nice to have a couple of not mommy friends. My BIL asked me to perform at an event he's planning on Halloween night. So I'm pretty excited about my first public performance in Nagano.

Then last Saturday we went to listen to a talk given by a former buyer for Barney's New York and Isetan in the next town. Sara had a bit of a runny nose, but there was a Halloween party being held afterward and stupid parents that we are we wanted to show her off in her Halloween costume, so we dragged her there anyway. Next day she gets a fever, we go to the Dr. get meds, the fever continues to climb. Go to the Dr. the next day, get more meds. Finally yesterday morning no more fever. The Dr. thinks it wasn't our irresponsibility, but rather 突発性発心, called Roseola in English. Most babies here get it apparently, and it comes on spontaneously, not contracted, so it wouldn't matter if we took her out the night before or not. Well, there's no rash yet which is supposed to come out after the fever goes away, so I'm not yet convinced that our poor baby's illness isn't our fault. Luckily I'm still breastfeeding because I can't get her to eat anything, and with all the medicine we've been pouring down her throat, she won't open her mouth for anything but the boob or senbei now anyway. Hopefully when she's fully recovered she'll want to eat a real meal again. Having a sick baby is so horrible in so many ways. It's awful to watch your child suffer, and see them so listless when they are usually so full of energy and happy. It's awful to not be able to get any sleep yourself because you're up all night with a baby who can't sleep unless you, and you alone, not daddy, only mommy, are holding her. It's awful to not be able to leave the house because your baby can't leave the house. But most of all, because she's still so tiny and can't speak, she can't tell me what's wrong. She can only cry and it makes me so sad to see her so sad and unhappy. Thank goodness she is finally feeling a little better because I couldn't handle this for much longer. We were watching some horrible TV show where a mother was looking after her dying child in the hospital. Oh my god. I think I used up at least half a box of tissues. Not a good show to watch when your own child is sick.

Okay, well I feel kind of caught up and today we are stepping out of the house just for a little while so I've got to go and get ready. If the weather had been awful this past week I don't think I would have minded staying home at all, but it's been so beautiful everyday we have been stuck inside I'm going nuts!!! Here's hoping for the best!