Good food and fall leaves (in the dark)

Well it wasn't me who slept in until 10 this morning. I was up at 9:30! But the other two sleeping beauties didn't wake up until a little after 10. We are a very slack household, every single one of us. I was kind of surprised Akinori actually slept that late. He's usually the first one out of bed and downstairs doing whatever unproductive thing that he does until Sara and I wake up. At least it wasn't ALL my fault we didn't get an early start on the day. That's what's important here.

Today was Sara's 10-month birthday, so we took the same photo we take every month on her birthday, ate the bentos that MIL bought for us yesterday for breakfast, took showers, and were finally out of the house just before 3! (We take our slacking seriously!) We didn't really have a destination though because in order to go see autumn leaves, like we discussed yesterday, we needed to leave the house much earlier to get anywhere before it was freezing cold outside or dark. A friend of Akinori's was working at some food show at Big Hat over the weekend, so we decided to stop by there and see what it was all about.

Well surprise surprise, it was all about food! Basically samples of all the yummy things that each prefecture around Japan is famous for. We got some yummy fried chicken wings from Nagoya, and some lamb and sausages from I don't know where. Akinori got some noodles from somewhere else and we bought some mango sherbet thingies and some frozen strawberry dessert thing and they were all, you guessed it, YUMMY! But incredibly, ridiculously expensive!! We would have been better off going to a nice restaurant and having a sit down meal. But who can say no with all that delicious food just staring you in the face, and the stall workers passing out yummy samples. And the most deadly element of the combination: a husband with absolutely no idea of what the words self restraint mean, especially when it comes to food. My poor wallet never stood a chance.

So when we left completely broke there weren't a lot of options for how to spend the rest of the day. We decided that even though the sun was just about to set, we would head off to the mountains anyway and have a nice little drive and if we made it in time to see something, even better! Well we didn't make it in time to see any leaves, or the sunset, but we had a really lovely drive through the mountains. We did see a fox run out across the road in front of the car, which was exciting. Mostly it was just nice to have about 2 hours of uninterrupted time to chat with Akinori. We haven't had that kind of time just to chat, in ages!!

Before Sara was born, on weekends we would see each other, and then when we finally moved in together, we would lay in bed chatting before falling asleep for hours sometimes. Now I think we'd both rather sleep while we have the chance, and especially with Sara sleeping in our room (between us most of the time), we dare not chat for fear of waking her up and prolonging our own chance at sleep even longer. It was really nice though, and we didn't fight once. Although I have now probably cursed myself and tomorrow we will have a knock-down drag-out argument. But today we are all love-love.

The subject of our future home came up a lot. We really want to build a home sometime in the not-so-distant future I am hoping. This last trip to Chicago made me really, really want my own home. If we have to rent, I'm very, very happy with where we live now, but this would certainly not be my first or second or even 30th choice of a house to buy. The location of our current house would definitely be my 1st choice, but then the conversation starts to get confusing. I just want my house! I don't even care if I have to be in debt the rest of my life at this point, which is something I never, ever thought I would say. But having a house that you love is worth it I think. After all we don't have any plans of ever living in the States, and that's not even an option for at least another 30 years or so. I want my house! I decided that starting January 1st I'm going to get really serious about a strict savings plan.

After we got home we watched the movie "Seven Pounds". I didn't know exactly what it was about, but I knew it was a tearjerker, and it definitely jerked more than a few tears from both me and Akinori. It was a really good movie though, but Akinori said that he never wants to watch it again. The subject matter was just too heavy for him. Fair enough.

I'd better get off to bed as I really do have to be awake before 10 tomorrow because Sara and I have our yoga class in the morning. Good night!

Now I get it!

I just uploaded some photos I took of Sara while in Chicago to my Facebook page. They're here is you want to see them:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=126637&id=619141598&l=fd80dae454
And as I was going through the photos trying to decide what to upload I realized what a poor selection of photos there were to choose from. I didn't take any photos of my parents holding Sara. I didn't take any photos of the three of us in Chicago while Akinori was there. I took very few photos period, and the thing is, I remember thinking "I'm not going to take a photo now. It's a pain. I'll take a photo of something else later."

Well at least now I understand why my husband is so damn snap happy. He takes photos of EVERYTHING, ALL the time. Which, until now, I have always thought to be quite annoying. Now I'm pretty glad he does that because if it were left up to me we'd have a few photos of Sara's first week and then maybe the odd shot here and there. Although I think the 3000 (I kid you not) or so he's taken since she was born 10 months ago is going a little too far in the other direction, but better too many than too few, right?

Alright, definitely waaaaay past my bedtime. Tomorrow we're hoping to up to the mountains for some autumn leaf-viewing. Very Japanese of us. But we're never going to get up there if I'm in bed until 10 again. Oops.

Man logic - someone please explain

Where does the time go everyday? Or maybe I am just really bad at using my time effectively. Or maybe my husband is really bad at using my time effectively. OR maybe a combination of all of the above.

I was up until 3am last night working on a new translation project that came in. It's worth a good chunk of money when it's finally finished, but it's going to take FOREVER! I'm still trying to work out whether the money is worth the time. Anyway Sara was kind enough to sleep in until 11(!!!!) with me this morning. Is my daughter full of filial piety or what? More like "or what" since she is still not up to her normal game yet. I think she's slept way more than half of today. Kind of nice, but I'm kind of missing my energetic, smiley, happy little girl. I haven't seen her in awhile, and although she can be exhausting, she's a lot of fun to be around. This new sick Sara is not nearly as fun, and definitely causes me a lot more worry.

Akinori had the day off work today and I asked him yesterday if he would watch Sara while I go and get my hair cut. He gladly agreed, but he had his own schedule of things he wanted to get done. Did he do these things while Sara and I were sleeping until 11? No. Lord knows what he was doing during that time. Did he even bother to take a shower while we were still sleeping? No, he waited until we woke up. My hair cut was at 2, so I wanted him to be back by 1 so I had a chance to take a shower too. Around 12:00 he gallantly offered to take Sara with him to run errands. Perfect! Off with both of you! Well if he's going to take Sara then he's not going to run his errands until I go for my haircut, but he will go to the yummy bakery and get something for us to eat for breakfast/lunch. Okay, I appreciate this effort, but please hurry up. I want to take a shower before getting my haircut. Brunch arrives at 12:55. (Mumbling under my breath) Sara falls asleep on me as I scarf down my bagel and I'm finally off to the shower. She's still asleep when I get out. It's nearly 2, and I'm rushing to get dressed and ready. I'm ready to go. Akinori tells me he doesn't want to take the baby bag I usually use, please prepare the other bag for her. What was he doing while I took my shower and the baby slept? Could he not have prepared this bag himself? I really do not understand the thought process that goes on in my husband's head at least 65% of the time. If there were a manual, I would buy it. Better yet I would learn how to reprogram it to make more sense. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. I love him oodles and oodles in fact. I just find myself completely confused by his thought process far too often.

Anyway I got my hair cut. It was nice to have a few hours to myself. I even got a little bit of choreography done while sitting in the chair and listening to my iPod. Akinori came to pick me up and we went to Starbucks. Yeah! Been craving Starbucks since I had my last one over a week ago. Then we went to Tokyu to get our parking voucher stamped by one of Akinori's friends who works there, and ended up handing over my engagement ring to have it appraised and adjusted since Akinori had no time to do that when he first bought it. The ring was too big to begin with and with all the weight I've lost over the last couple of years I have to be careful not to fling my arms around or the ring just flies off. I couldn't show my face at home again if I lost that ring. We've been meaning to do this for two years, so at least it's done now. However by the time we finished all of the paperwork and what not it was 5:50, and I had a belly dance lesson to teach at 6:00.

So off I run to teach. The lesson tonight was only an hour since I had to add it last minute, and only 1 student showed up. But 1 student is better than 0, and it's exercise and practice for me too. I would love to belly dance all day everyday if I had the option. Unfortunately I only had an hour today. Again better than nothing.

I got a call from my translation client during the lesson asking where the first part of the translation was since it was due today. Oops. Forgot to send it off before leaving the house for my haircut. No problem, sending it as soon as I get home, which will be in 10 minutes. I finally sent off the file approximately 90 minutes after the phone call. These things happen. Better late than never right? Hmm, my client is probably having a little trouble understanding my thought process right about now.

Race Against the Clock...

I don't really have the time to be writing this right now, but I feel like if I don't grab this one peaceful minute I will get so far behind in blogging that I may just give it up again.

We've been back from Chicago for two weeks today. Wow! Time flies! It feels like we came back yesterday, but it also feels like we never left. And now that I think about it, yesterday was the one year anniversary of me arriving in Nagano. Time REALLY does fly. I'm A LOT happier now than when I first arrived. Things have changed so much. I can't believe it. That also means that my baby's first birthday is approaching. Crazy, crazy stuff! I can't believe she's going to be a year already! Wow! Only 17 more to go, and if they go by this fast, she's going to be out of the house in no time, and I'm going to be a grandma before you know it. Okay, I think I'll slow down a bit now because I'm really not ready to be a grandma yet.

My lunch with T that I wrote about last time was interesting. He's married now, which he never told me. Hmmm. I'm really happy for him, and really happy that we never got married. That boy has relationship issues that need more attention than I would be willing to give. I wish his wife luck! They haven't even been married a year and they're already in counseling and he's talking about divorce. Oh brother! I have to say I definitely feel like I married the right person. Akinori told me the other day that the only way we would ever break up is if I packed up and left. No matter what happened or what I did, he wouldn't leave me. Kind of sweet I thought, but kind of silly to tell me that. He knows how much I love a good party, and the trouble I can get into. Is he giving me free license to do whatever I want? Although after he said that I realized I would never do anything that would purposely put our relationship in jeapordy, and he probably knows that.

The first week we were back was quiet and uneventful. We went to a BBQ that was a lot of fun and I made a new friend which was nice. Not a mommy friend, and it's always nice to have a couple of not mommy friends. My BIL asked me to perform at an event he's planning on Halloween night. So I'm pretty excited about my first public performance in Nagano.

Then last Saturday we went to listen to a talk given by a former buyer for Barney's New York and Isetan in the next town. Sara had a bit of a runny nose, but there was a Halloween party being held afterward and stupid parents that we are we wanted to show her off in her Halloween costume, so we dragged her there anyway. Next day she gets a fever, we go to the Dr. get meds, the fever continues to climb. Go to the Dr. the next day, get more meds. Finally yesterday morning no more fever. The Dr. thinks it wasn't our irresponsibility, but rather 突発性発心, called Roseola in English. Most babies here get it apparently, and it comes on spontaneously, not contracted, so it wouldn't matter if we took her out the night before or not. Well, there's no rash yet which is supposed to come out after the fever goes away, so I'm not yet convinced that our poor baby's illness isn't our fault. Luckily I'm still breastfeeding because I can't get her to eat anything, and with all the medicine we've been pouring down her throat, she won't open her mouth for anything but the boob or senbei now anyway. Hopefully when she's fully recovered she'll want to eat a real meal again. Having a sick baby is so horrible in so many ways. It's awful to watch your child suffer, and see them so listless when they are usually so full of energy and happy. It's awful to not be able to get any sleep yourself because you're up all night with a baby who can't sleep unless you, and you alone, not daddy, only mommy, are holding her. It's awful to not be able to leave the house because your baby can't leave the house. But most of all, because she's still so tiny and can't speak, she can't tell me what's wrong. She can only cry and it makes me so sad to see her so sad and unhappy. Thank goodness she is finally feeling a little better because I couldn't handle this for much longer. We were watching some horrible TV show where a mother was looking after her dying child in the hospital. Oh my god. I think I used up at least half a box of tissues. Not a good show to watch when your own child is sick.

Okay, well I feel kind of caught up and today we are stepping out of the house just for a little while so I've got to go and get ready. If the weather had been awful this past week I don't think I would have minded staying home at all, but it's been so beautiful everyday we have been stuck inside I'm going nuts!!! Here's hoping for the best!

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Akinori went back to Japan yesterday. I was sooooo sad all day. I don't know how many times I cried. I think there was a bit of PMS mixed in with the loneliness though, and EVERYTHING I watched on TV made me cry. EVERYTHING. It was getting a little ridiculous, and I think poor Sara was very confused at her mother's uncontrollable weepiness. I really wish he stayed longer, and of course he said several times, "I should have stayed longer". He said the same thing when we came two years ago, and this year extended his stay by one bleeding day!! I told him a zillion and a half times 4 flipping days was not long enough, but of course he never listens to me. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother offering my opinion when I know he's only going to disagree. Besides my constant griping though, I love him to death and miss him terribly. I was so relieved when he called to say he got in okay.

We ended up not getting to the cemetery until Monday morning. The cemetery is closed on Saturdays for the Sabbath and it's closed for all major Jewish holidays, and of course Sunday was a major Jewish holiday, so we finally got to the cemetery on Monday. It was kind of cathartic to finally visit my grandmother after so long, but still made me very sad. I was happy to finally introduce my husband and daughter to her and my grandfather though, and I'm sure they were happy to meet their grandson-in-law and great-granddaughter too.

After the cemetery we went shopping downtown and got some good omiyage for Akinori's family and all the neighbors. Of course we forgot to buy some so I have to get more before I go back. I'm going to have to ship a few boxes I think because there is no way we're getting all of our stuff back to Japan in only the suitcases I brought with me, and certainly not under the weight limit. We then met my parents at the local mall to get some family photos taken. My shithead brother was supposed to make it into town in time for the family party the day before, but didn't. Then he was supposed to get here in time for the photos, but he and his wife decided to go to her parents' house first even though we told them about the photos way ahead of time. We went to dinner after the photos and my brother's family was supposed to meet us for dessert, and by the time they showed up it was nearly 10p.m. and Sara was a mess. So we skipped dessert and made them come back with us to my parent's house where we had a nice visit, but it was ridiculously late by the time they left and we finally got to bed. Plus I was having trouble being warm to them since they had been pissing me off for days on end at that point.

Today is now Wednesday and Sara and I met my friend J and her daughter to go to the zoo. I knew that getting out today would undo all the yucky feelings I had the day before. It was great to see J too. It was probably about 12 or 13 years since I had last seen her and she really didn't look any different than I remembered her. She has a great house and her husband is an amazing artist. I really enjoyed spending time with her and her daughter today. I only wish we had more time to spend. I had to leave around 2:30 because I had a belly dance class today. Another great class. I really love this teacher and can't wait to go back to Japan and teach my students all the wonderful things I'm learning. I'm going to a group class tomorrow night and then my last class is next week. So sad.

Aside from the belly dance class tomorrow night I have lunch plans with T. If I had never moved to Japan, T and I would probably be married with children right now, which is why we have a lunch date with Sara and not a dinner date while my parents babysit. I could write a whole book about my romance with T, and I definitely think it would make a really great movie, but it is completely innocent these days. I just enjoy seeing him for drinks or lunch when I come into town, and we reminisce about the old days and have a good catch up. Of course I make sure I am looking my absolute best when I see him, but really, what else would you expect? Speaking of which, it's time for me to go and get some beauty rest for tomorrow. 'Night!

Small favors and small pants

So yesterday I was unfortunately unable to find anything to do that didn't involve whipping out the credit card OR going to an ATM machine, so I did both and went to the mall and got some shopping for myself done. Up until now I haven't really seen too many clothing items that I just *had to have* so I hadn't really purchased anything for myself, besides shopping for Sara, my little dress-up doll, is so much more fun! But breastfeeding has been an absolute godsend and I am at a weight now that I haven't seen in at least 6 or 7 years, and even then it was just for a little while, so really since high school, and my clothes, especially pants, just don't fit anymore. Like even a belt doesn't help, don't fit. So even before coming to Chicago I knew I needed to buy at least a few pairs of pants.

First on my list was a pair of jeans and I found a really nice pair at Express. Then I went to the GAP thinking I'd get maybe one more pair of jeans, but I found a nice pair of capri pants on sale and tried them on in a size 10, but found to my very, very pleasant surprise they were too big! So I tried a size 8, and they fit, even a little roomy! Of course I couldn't say no to buying a pair of pants in a size I hadn't bought in nearly 20 years! I wore them all day today and they feel like maybe they are even a little too roomy. Could I possibly be a size 6?! I think I might have to throw a party for myself if that's the case.

My only worry now is what will happen when I stop breastfeeding? Is this weight going to all come back? Will belly dancing keep it off? I also have all these clothes that don't fit now. Do I sell them or give them away or do I keep them so I can wear them as maternity clothes the next time I get pregnant? I've heard one of the best ways to keep weight off is to get rid of your "fat" clothes because then you have no choice but to lose a few pounds when your new "skinny" clothes start getting tight. Hmmm. I'll think about that when I get back to Japan.

After shopping, I had a belly dance lesson, that I felt much better after than the one on Tuesday. I told the master guru teacher about how crappy I felt after Tuesday's lesson, and she kind of helped me get through everything I was feeling. She is such an amazing teacher. I really wish I had more time here, like a year, so I could really, really study with her. She teaches not only moves and steps, but the rhythms and which of your muscles are moving in order to move the body parts you want to move, and how to teach certain things, and Arabic vocabulary, just amazing. I really loved my teachers in Japan, but this master guru is truly a master guru. Oh I am so glad I found her! Too bad I can only fit in 2 possibly 3 more lessons with her. Makes me sad. But we talked about her maybe coming out to Japan to do some workshops so hopefully we can make that a reality sooner rather than later.

Akinori arrived today. I am so happy to see him! Of course I missed him, but I really missed having someone to help me look after Sara. It's been really hard looking after her on my own the last two weeks. I already explained in a previous post about my parents and their grandparenting, so having another pair of hands that I can pass Sara off to, guilt-free, is awesome! And Sara is really happy to see her father. The smile on her face was priceless. When I get on a computer that can take a memory stick I'll post photos because I rarely get to see a smile as big as the ones I saw today.

I had planned to take Akinori and Sara out to the cemetery where my maternal grandparents are buried after picking Akinori up from the airport. My grandmother raised me, and I haven't been to her grave since her funeral. I'm still not over her death, and just the thought of her can bring tears to my eyes, so going to her grave has been more than I could handle for the last 12 years, but I really want my grandmother to meet my husband and my daughter, who I named after her, and I want them to meet her, so to speak.

So we arrived at the cemetery at 3:50, and there was a sign posted saying it closed at 3:30, but the gate was open, so we drove in. A car was following us as soon as we got in, making me think someone else was there to visit a grave and the sign was just old and wrong. But when I eventually stopped, the car pulled up next to us, and the man inside told us that the cemetery gates were closing in 10 minutes. I tried to explain I was looking for my grandmother's grave, and I just started crying. I think the man in the other car was a little surprised because his gruff manner all of a sudden softened. The cemetery is huge and I knew we wouldn't find the graves within the next 10 minutes, and the office with people who can help you do that was already closed according to the man, so we turned around and left. I cried and cried and cried.

We plan on going back tomorrow, and I know I'm going to cry a lot more again tomorrow, but this is something I need to do. I miss my grandmother so much (crying again). It hurts just as much today as it did the day I got the phone call from my mother she had died. Will it ever get any easier? I don't know how to get past this pain. I think that's one more reason I prefer living in Japan. I'm not faced with the absence of my grandmother every single day. She lived with us since I was 2 years old, so being in my parents' house is a reminder everyday, that my grandmother is not. I sit on the sofa and look at where her easy chair used to be, and I can still picture her sitting there watching TV. Her bedroom is now my mother's office, and it pisses me off to no end that one would never know that was where my grandmother slept every night for 20 years, unless you told them. Her bed and dressers are gone. Her clothes are no longer in the closet. Needless to say I have a hard time going in there. I miss her so much. I wish my husband and daughter could meet her in person, she would just adore them and I'm sure they would adore her back.

Alright, gotta get to bed and get some rest before the crying fest tomorrow.

p.s. My mother has been sitting next to me jabbering away about something or other the entire time I've been typing this not even paying attention to the fact that I'm not paying attention to her OR crying. Oh mom! Now I have to get her off to bed too!

Belly Dance Blues

I had a private belly dance lesson on Wednesday night. It was a great lesson. I learned a lot and was reminded of moves and other things I had forgotten. BUT I was having trouble keeping up with some of the combinations or getting them down really. I know if I practiced them at home and then went back and did them again, I'd get it, but it really made me feel like a beginning dancer and what the hell am I doing teaching kind of feeling, and kind of depressed in general. Let's just say it was a very humbling experience. I think the master guru belly dance instructor was also a little bit disappointed with my performance. And the most horrible thing is that when I get frustrated I don't perform as well, and then I get more frustrated and perform even worse, and it's just a vicious cycle. I have another lesson tomorrow night so I am hoping I wasn't too traumatized by the last lesson and can perform at the lesson tomorrow night. I think I am going to need a bit of ego stroking before I go back to Japan to teach and really make an effort to build my school. I really felt like I had no business teaching after that last lesson. (sigh)

In other news, yet another friend canceled on me. I was going to meet my friend and her daughter to go to the zoo tomorrow, but her husband developed pink eye, and she's not sure whether she or her daughter have contracted it yet, so we decided to play it safe and postpone til next week. Not a big deal, I think another friend mentioned going to some park tomorrow anyway, so I'm sure we can find something to do that preferably doesn't involve me whipping out the credit card or stopping at an ATM every hour or so.

Tonight however, I went to CLK's house for dinner with his family and CM's family. It was so nice to see everyone. I was thinking in the car on the way home how I knew CLK and CM before either of them were married, or even dating their wives, and now all three of us are married and have children. It was one of those nights that make me sad I don't live here and can't see those people I hold near and dear to my heart more often. And it was a school night, so we had to say goodnight early because everyone has to work or go to school tomorrow. Of course there's no guarantee I would see them more often even if I did live here. CM is so busy with work and his 3 kids, I don't think anyone sees him very often.

CLK has a really beautiful home. The kitchen alone is about the same size as the first floor of our house. That's another thing that kind of makes me sad about not living in America. Not that we would ever be able to afford a home of that size even in America, but it would cost millions of dollars to build a home like that in Japan, and it would start depreciating in value the moment we moved in. To tell you the truth, I don't necessarily want to live in such a big, glorious home, but it's really nice to have the opportunity to visit them once in awhile. :)
Ah well, someday (hopefully in the not-too-distant future) we will build our own home, and it will be nice, and comfortable, if not spacious, and I won't have to lust over other people's homes anymore.

CM also has a little girl who was born 1 week before Sara. It was really funny to see the two of them in the same room. Sara is a little taller and a LOT skinnier and moves, A LOT more. Abby is very content to just sit apparently, and although she turned 9 months last week, still has no desire to crawl, where Sara on the other hand is a crawling, climbing, getting-ready-to-walk monster on wheels! Both sets of parents tonight agreed that in their experience of the 5 children among them, they had never seen a baby so incredibly, not just mobile, but active. Yes, we have one 8-kilo ball of trouble on our hands, and boy are we proud! Actually, having every parent I meet be amazed and astonished at how active Sara is just makes me feel more and more justified that I am such a bad housekeeper and cook. Maybe not the desired effect, but at least I don't feel as guilty about not vacuuming or being able to make dinner most nights of the week anymore.

Off to bed now so I can recharge for another fun day of chasing baby!

The Saga Continues...

After the teariest dinner in the history of the world, Sara went to sleep, still clothed and unbathed at 7:30, and although she has woken up several times since (it's now nearly midnight), I have nursed her back to sleep because I am not dealing with a fully awake baby at this hour of the night, and even if it means she's going to be up at an ungodly hour of the morning, I'd rather deal with her then.

So, yesterday Sara and I went with my mom to the festival held every year by S's place of work. She works at a facility for severely developmentally disabled people aging from infant to senior citizen. It's a really amazing place, and every year they hold this festival to raise money. I wasn't planning on going, but since G canceled on me for the day I figured why not. I was hoping we weren't going to run into S, and since there are literally thousands of people at this event, I thought the chances were fairly slim. Nope, guess again. Within 5 minutes of walking in the gate, who do run into? It was all fine and pleasant. I think I might have been a little distant, which I think she might have picked up on. She asked if I had been by Novelty, where we both used to work, and I said I had, and then proceeded to explain that I had a friend from Japan staying with us the first week and was showing her around, which was why we went. Why did I feel the need to justify the fact that I went to Novelty and saw those folks, but didn't bother to contact her? Why am I still trying to pacify her and make sure I don't step on her toes? God that bugs me! From what she said, she will still be showing up here on Sunday, so I guess we'll have to see what happens then, and hope there's no big showdown. I think she has taken a step back from the relationship also though, so there probably won't be any big showdown and everyone will just play nice for the day and that will be that for this trip home. I made the mistake though of telling the whole saga to CLK at Novelty though and he has a super big mouth, so I'm sure if I don't tell him not to say anything, he will go mentioning something to her at the BBQ like "So I heard you and Brenda aren't getting along because you had a tantrum at her wedding." I'm going to dinner at his house on Wednesday, so I'll have to warn him then to keep his big trap shut!

In other news, I have another belly dance class tomorrow afternoon and this one is happening for sure since it's a private lesson. I can't wait! I want to SWEAT! I'm sure I've put on a ton of weight just in the two weeks I've been here. There's so much crap food just lying around this house and I keep sticking it in my mouth! Arrgghh! I keep telling myself it's only while I'm here on vacation and I'll work hard to take off the weight when I get back. That is like putting one foot into the black hole of weight gain. Bad Brenda! But I am very excited about the lesson, and really glad that my mom has been a lot more proactive about dealing with Sara lately. The fact that Sara has really taken to my mom has seemed to help a lot. My mom is a total egomaniac, and loves it when people love her, so we have a win-win situation here. Poor Grandpa though, he's gaga over Sara and she would rather sit in my mom's lap.

Got some more good shopping in today, and I found it really strange that I just wasn't into shopping for myself. I find it a lot more fun to shop for Sara now. I also keep thinking about the ridiculous amount of clothing I already own. Half of it doesn't even fit me anymore after all the weight I've lost, and I'd like to get rid of it, but I keep thinking that if I get pregnant again, I'll probably want those clothes around then. Hmmm. I guess I'll have to take a look at what I've got when I get back. It was just a little sad though that shopping wasn't as much fun. I got lots of yoga pants and sports bras though, so I am ready to teach belly dance everyday if I have to. Bring on the students!

Alright, I should get off to bed so I can deal with Sara in the morning. Goodnight!

Craptastic

Today was not the best day. I think I'm premenstrual again because the whole day just started out with me feeling kind of crappy for no particular reason. I was pretty excited about doing a belly dance class though, however when I got to the studio I was the only person who showed up for the lesson, so they canceled it. They need (want) a minimum of 3 students to hold a class. I shouldn't have been so disappointed since the woman teaching it was filling in for the master guru teacher who is out of town this weekend. But I think I just really wanted to move and sweat. I NEED to move and sweat! I chatted with the woman behind the counter and the fill-in teacher for about 30 minutes, and when it was painfully obvious that there was no way she was going to teach this class just for me, I left feeling pretty crappy.

What better way to drown one's sorrows than shopping, so I decided to go and look for the really cute sports bra I saw the other day at the Target by my parent's house, but they didn't have my size. I went to the Target by the belly dance studio, and the bra was like half price, but they still didn't have my size. Feeling even crappier now. I get home and my dad comes running down the stairs with Sara saying "You're mother's home! We're saved!" And poor Sara's face is all tear-stained and her nose is all runny. Poor thing was thrilled to see me, so that was kind of nice. We then ate some lunch, I had a shower and mucked about the house for awhile. I hate doing that I feel so damned unproductive when I do that.

So around 4:30 I finally decided to put Sara in the stroller and take a walk up to Devon Avenue, otherwise known as Little India. It's about 3 blocks from my parent's house and I was hoping to find some nice material for belly dance veils at one of the sari shops. Lo and behold the shop right at the end of our street is the same shop that was advertised in the belly dance studio, so I go in. Lovely little Indian woman behind the counter practically forces all kinds of belly dance accessories on me, and I can't say no. What is wrong with me? Well I managed to say no to the veils she wanted me to buy that were absolutely inappropriate for dancing with. She kept trying to tell me they were good for it, but no way. Just would not work. The veils she did convince me to buy are actually way too short for me, but I figure they are good lengths for my little Japanese students to use, so I bought two (was only going to buy one) and hopefully I can sell them both to my students. She also convinced me to buy FOUR bra tops. They are really, really beautiful, and I'll have no problem selling them, but still, I felt like a total heel for saying okay when I was only going to buy one or two. Aaachh! So instead of feeling accomplished and productive I left the store feeling like I had been taken for a ride and a little apprehensive about whether or not I'll really be able to unload all this loot on someone.

Got home and then we all went out to dinner. Sara fell asleep in the car and luckily stayed asleep through the first half of dinner. When she did wake up, I sat her in the high chair and fed her her dinner to keep her quiet and happy, and by the time she finished, dad was finished with his meal and he took her for me so I could finish eating. It was the first time in a long, long, long time we had a relatively quiet meal, with little cause for stress. That was probably the best thing that happened today. Unfortunately because she napped at such a late hour (in the restaurant) getting her to go to sleep at 9:30 was impossible, and it was more like 11 before she finally fell asleep. At least she's down now.

I was supposed to see one of my friends from high school tomorrow so I texted him to find out what the plan was, and he totally bailed on me. Said he and his wife had to paint before furniture arrived or some shit like that. Whatever. I suppose I'm a little relieved because now I don't have to worry about where we can go with my little screamer in tow, and instead I can continue hunting down that sports bra at various Targets around the city. There is still other shopping I want to do too, so I guess I could do that as well.

My parents are going to the annual fundraising festival held at the place where S works. I could go with them, but there is a 99% chance that I will see her there, and I'll have to talk to her, and it's going to be awkward since I haven't called her, and I don't know if I really want to go through all that. I guess we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Time for bed. Here's hoping I have some nice dreams to put me in a nicer mood tomorrow!

My Kind of Town..

I've been here in Chicago the last week and a half, and I'm really glad I cooled my "I want a divorce" guns before I left, because I miss Akinori like crazy! I've even been having some sexy dreams about him, which is rare. Usually my sexy dreams are about ex-boyfriends. (What does that mean I wonder?) It has just made it all the more clear to me how much having a child has affected our relationship. We are still definitely as in love as we were two years ago when we got married, but it's really hard to be a mother and wife and probably even harder to be a father and husband, since he obviously doesn't seem to have much of a clue as to what his wife would like out of her daughter's father. Does that make sense? Though I've discovered that even if he's not going to win any father-of-the-year awards, having him around is definitely better than nothing at all. My parents are here of course, but that is about one step up from nothing at all. They're not the "let me take her from you and you go have a rest" type grandparents. They are the, "she's nice to play with for 5 minutes, but we finished parenting a long time ago" type grandparents, so although they SAID they would be happy to babysit anytime when I spoke to them over the phone before I got here, they didn't really mean it.

My daughter is very spirited, more spirited than any of the other babies we play with in Japan, and if she were walking, she would have totally domineered the 18 month-old we played with yesterday here, but that is all the more reason why I need SOME time alone. I cannot chase after her every waking minute or I will go insane. If I ask them to, my parents are pretty good about keeping an eye on Sara so that she doesn't get into anything dangerous or terrorize the dog too much. And they even babysat for me last night when I went to a belly dance class, and my dad reluctantly agreed to babysit again tomorrow afternoon when I go to another one, but I stress reluctantly. I think he can see the big picture though and knows that his only granddaughter is returning to Japan in just over two weeks and he won't see her again for at least a year probably, so he should make the most of the time he has with her now. My mom is a different story, or I think she doesn't know how to behave around her or something. I don't know. I guess it makes sense she left the raising of her own children to her mother. Hmm, think I have some issues with my mother? Yeah, that would take about 300 posts and at least 2 years of counseling to get through.

I haven't seen as many friends as I would like to yet, which makes me kind of sad, but it's so hard to get out since it's just me and Sara here, and my friends are all working and have kids and blah blah blah and life is just getting in the way! Oh well, at least I'm getting lots of shopping done. We are going to be so poor when I get the Visa bill next month, but at least our little darling will be the fashionista of the playground, and isn't that what's important in life anyway? We're having a big BBQ on the Sunday that Akinori is here anyway, so hopefully lots of people will turn up for that and I can see everyone in one blow. I'm kind of hoping 1 friend who said she would come with her two kids doesn't show up, and I have a feeling she might not.

S used to be my best friend. She is a very difficult person to be friends with. One of our mutual friends summed it up perfectly yesterday: she is super sensitive about her feelings, and totally insensitive about others' feelings. We've had our ups and downs in our relationship, but always worked it out. I was a bridesmaid at her wedding, which I came in from Japan for just 4 days for.

I didn't have bridesmaids at my wedding, just a flower girl and 2 ring bearers, and 1 bilingual friend was our MC at the reception. That's it. She did come all the way to Maui for my wedding though, just after breaking up with her boyfriend who was supposed to come with her and she had to leave her 2 girls with her parents since her ex-husband is a total and complete asshole. However, everyone at my wedding came all the way to Maui, one friend was unemployed at the time, one friend was 6 months pregnant and had 2 toddlers in tow. It was a big deal for everyone to make the effort to get on a plane, book a hotel and be there for us. I organized the entire affair via internet and e-mails, and DH did NOTHING!! He can't speak English, granted, but he still did nothing which was a bone of contention at the time.

We never really organized a rehearsal dinner, but just kind of invited everyone who came to the rehearsal to dinner later that night, and then went back to our condo before the dinner and called everyone who wasn't at the rehearsal to invite them too. I called S and she said she was staying too far away and we were meeting in an hour, so no, she wouldn't be making it. She turned up at my wedding the next day and was a total sour puss the entire time. I wanted to spend some quality time with her, but who gets to spend any quality time with any of their individual guests at their wedding? So when it was time for me to change into my belly dance costume to perform my belly dance, I asked her to come with me to change. I asked what was wrong since she was pulling her "I'm upset, but I'm not going to tell you why" silent act, and she refused. She was silent the whole time I was getting changed even though I tried to make conversation. After I was changed I said "You know I love you", and she ran out of the room crying. I was devastated. I wanted to cry myself, but I didn't want to ruin the beautiful make-up I paid a mint for. I wanted to cancel my belly dance but I didn't want all that practice and effort to go to waste and I didn't want her to ruin my wedding, MY special day! Hopefully the only one I'll ever have. So I went and performed anyway. She stayed until the end of the evening and said goodbye.

I tried calling her hotel room the next night or the night after and the friend she ended up coming to Hawaii with said she was at the bar having a drink. I asked her what the problem was and she said "You'll have to talk to S." S never called me back. I spent the rest of the two weeks we had in Hawaii having nightmares nearly every night about S, and worrying about what was going on while I was awake. This was on my honeymoon! How foolish I was.

I sent out our thank you cards for the gifts we received at the wedding and I get an e-mail from S saying she wasn't sure if she was ever going to get in touch with me again because she felt like I treated her as an afterthought regarding the rehearsal dinner, and that I treated her like a stranger at my wedding, after she had gone out of the way to make me feel special at her wedding.

OKAY...so I write her back that the entire rehearsal dinner itself was an afterthought, and I asked her not to stay so far away from the wedding location and our hotel in the first place. And at the wedding, I was running around like mad right up until my parents walked me down the aisle since there was practically no one to tell all the vendors where things needed to go, so I had to have my hair and make-up done while directing the florist and caterers, then get dressed while introducing and interpreting for the Japanese and English speaking guests, and of course DH isn't allowed to see me, so he gets out of doing anything by standing at the altar the whole time, fair enough since he can't speak English so wouldn't be much help with the caterers, florist or interpreting. Plus I did my best to make her feel special by asking her to help me change. I also said I was sorry that she felt the way she did because obviously I hadn't succeeded, but I was really upset by the way she made me feel at my own wedding. So she writes back that she has all the sympathy in the world for my situation, but all I had to do was ask her to help and she would have been happy to, and this is the person that she is now, and she's not going to apologize for it. WHAT?!?!?! This was my wedding!!

So I never wrote her back after that. Then she finds out I'm pregnant and sends me an e-mail wishing me well. Fine. I included her in the e-mail I sent to everyone with Sara's birth announcement, and she sends us a check for $100. Why on earth would she do that? There was no need for her to send such an outrageously generous gift. She could have just sent a card. I didn't know what to do since I really didn't feel comfortable cashing the check, and I didn't want to out and out insult her by sending it back. Luckily in Japan there is the custom of giving return gifts, so we went out and bought outfits for her girls that cost about as much as she sent, more with shipping. I certainly didn't want that hanging over my head. And then I went and e-mailed her telling her we were coming for a whole month and we were having a big BBQ party and all. Why did I do that? I don't know. So she writes back saying she has the girls that weekend and they'll all be coming, but she hopes we can get together before that.

So I've been here a little over a week now and I still haven't contacted her. She knows I'm here too. But when I thought about contacting her, and then the thought of having to see her, I just couldn't do it. I'm done I think. It was hard enough to be friends with her without all that mess, but she made me feel like shit at my wedding, and then blamed it on me, and refused to apologize AFTER I apologized for making her feel like shit, which I never should have had to do in the first place. She shouldn't have felt like shit because the day wasn't about her, it was about me. And if she was going to feel like shit, she should have damn well kept it to herself and hidden it well enough so that I didn't have to feel like shit too. AAAAARRRRFGGGGHHHH!! I'm still really angry at her, and I don't know if I'll ever get over it. I'm not a vindictive person in the least (unless I'm married to you, then watch out!), but I have to draw the line with her somewhere, and I think my wedding is a good place to draw it. Don't you? I mean, IT WAS MY WEDDING!!!

Geez, I've written a fucking novel! Time for bed!