Quick catch up

Been kind of busy the last few weeks. I can't remember if I mentioned that I got the project that would send me to Osaka, and therefore went to Osaka with Sara last Friday, and was supposed to stay until Tuesday morning, but ended up staying until Wednesday afternoon. My trip to Osaka just brought on a whole slew of emotions in me that had sort of been dormant in the last several months.

To start, I arrived in Osaka, and left Sara with Fiona and Emi, who I really cannot thank enough for taking care of Sara. I don't know what I would have done without her, though Sara's crying and freaking out about being without her mommy in a new place with new people seems to have traumatized both Fiona and Emi. So, so, sorry. Everything would have been so much easier if I could have just taken her with me, but that would have been impossible. Oh well. No one died, so I guess it could have been worse.

I was glad to have my meeting behind me to enjoy the rest of the weekend, however, the friend we were supposed to stay with Friday and Saturday texted me at noon on Friday to say she was sick and we couldn't stay with her. Hello!!! Couldn't she have at least texted me the night before?! If it was just me, I really wouldn't have been too concerned, but it was me and my 15 month old child. Really not cool. She did offer to get a hotel room for us and pay for it, but I didn't feel right about that, so I told her we would work it out and not to worry.

I thought about calling Corinne who was unbelievably kind in offering to let Sara and me stay with her, but I had SO much stuff, there was no way I would be able to get Sara, myself and all our stuff to her place, and then the thought of having to get back on the train and do it all again to stay with the friends who had a room for us the last two nights made me want to cry, so I got a really super cheap hotel room very near to my friends' place for Friday night, and I called every hotel in the city, but none had a room available for Saturday, so we crashed at a different friends' place on Saturday night. We probably could have crashed there Friday as well, but I didn't want to put them out too much since they have 2 kids and a tiny place. But it's very good to have good friends. I was seriously feeling the love.

Sunday I went to my other friend's place. She and her husband had been to Hokkaido and didn't get back until late Saturday which is why we didn't stay with them until Sunday. They have the most beautiful apartment! OH MY GOD! And it is in the most convenient place (although a little noisy for raising kids, which they are expecting their first in July) and I would just love to live there forever. If we ever get our house built and it looks 1/10th as nice, I will be happy. Although I can't imagine that it will since we are poor and they are not. I really loved being in such a beautiful, relaxing atmosphere, but at the same time it sort of made me depressed about the reality of my life. I don't want money to purchase nice material possessions. I would prefer to carry a 1000 yen handbag to something with some designer's name splashed all over it. I don't need fancy clothes (although having a GAP in Nagano would be the best thing to ever possibly happen to me). I'm just not into fancy cars and clothes and crap like that. But I want a nice house and nice place to live. That would make me happy. And I want to be able to travel. I don't mind staying in $10/night accommodations, I just want to see other places.

Having friends who are rich, and can afford whatever they want, is kind of depressing. I know money isn't everything. I know we will never be rich, and I'm happy with that. But seeing how those who "have" live, is just a little depressing. Knowing that my fantasy is their reality just kind of depressed me. Enough said about that.

Monday we went to my former office. That was more emotional for me than I ever imagined it would be. I had plans to have lunch with some former co-workers before going to the office to say hello. I could see a few of them crossing the street as I was approaching from the station and all of a sudden I got all teary-eyed. Then I walked into the restaurant where we were meeting and 8 of them were standing around the table waiting for us, and I just burst out crying. I really missed them, a lot more than I even realized. It was so good to see them all, and to see that nothing had really changed.

When we did get to the office it was just craziness with everyone fawning all over Sara and the excitement of seeing everyone. It really felt like coming home again. Then I got some really awful news that kind of put me over the edge for the day and the remainder of my trip. One of the managers, a woman around 40, definitely not much older, had passed away about a month prior to my visit. I kind of lost it a little. She was a friend and she was kind and fantastic at her job. She encouraged me at a time when I felt completely worthless, and was always full of praise. She was fun and funny and someone you could always, always, without fail, count on. I still can't believe she's gone.

A little while ago when I wrote about my JET friend and my 1st boyfriend's mother dying, I was actually thinking, there's got to be a 3rd, death always comes in 3's. I was hoping I was wrong, but unfortunately I wasn't. This woman passed away on the same day as my ex-boyfriend's mom actually. The world is definitely a lonelier, darker, sadder place without you Toda-san. I pray that you are no longer in pain and resting peacefully, looking down at all of us who you protected on earth, and doing the same from heaven.

Apparently Toda-san's family didn't inform the office of her funeral arrangements, and the office took it upon themselves to have a ceremony for her, which was scheduled for Tuesday night, which is why I changed my plans to come back to Nagano on Wednesday instead. I'm glad I stayed even though Sara prevented me from really participating very much. Not much you can do about that, but at least I was there and I got to say goodbye.

So besides being exhausted from the trip, and from working on this project, which is depriving me of sleep in a major way, the unexpected turn of events while I was in Osaka, has just kind of drained me of much blogging motivation. I'm having a lot of trouble shaking the sadness. I'm hoping that getting it all out here will be therapeutic for me, I mean afterall, that's what this blog was intended for, right?