Big old bloggy purge!

So I had originally planned on writing a post last Sunday about what a saint my husband is because he took Sara out on an errand he had for 3 whole hours in the afternoon leaving me alone at home to do as I pleased. His errand was actually a meeting of sorts with one of his Yahoo Auction "friends" (Grr), but he knew I wouldn't be pleased about him taking a precious few hours of the weekend out to go off and do something I not only didn't necessarily approve of, but to also leave me with our daughter who I look after 24/7 6 days a week would have probably pushed me over the edge, so right from the start he offered to take Sara with him. All of a sudden I was thrilled to see him go off on a Sunday afternoon.

I didn't have any mad parties, but I did vacuum all the rooms, finally put away 3 baskets full or laundry, washed the kitchen floor, baked brownies, watched a little CSI and some other random stuff that I can't normally do with Sara around. Akinori met his friend at this awesome 50's style hamburger joint near the interchange and actually came home with an avocado/gorgonzola burger and fries for me. This put him in my good books for awhile, but by the time I had finished all that cleaning and whatnot I was too tired to blog Sunday, and the rest of the week was actually super busy.

Monday I taught two belly dance classes. The one I taught in the morning was the "Mommy and me" class I teach once a month, where the leader lady is pretty much taking advantage of me, and the leader lady wasn't even there this time! Two new ladies to the class were there though, and I'm sure they were surprised when they showed up expecting an English conversation class and getting a belly dance lesson instead. That class is a total joke, but they pay me so I'm not going to complain.

The Monday night lesson was at the dance studio. I really like the students in that class, but the owners can bite me! They pulled me aside afterward and said they had a meeting with their accountant and he said that paying me 40% of the lesson fee was too much, and would I accept 30%? I'd like to meet that bastard accountant! I really don't know where they even find the nerve within themselves to ask me if I will work for such a pittance. It is truly an insult. They said that if there were lots of students, paying me 40% wouldn't be so difficult for them, and I told them that if there were lots of students I wouldn't need 40%, 30% would suffice, but until there are at least 10 students, I can't accept anything less than 40%. They said they'd like to have 20 students between the 2 classes I teach. That's just dandy. Let me know when they sign up. Too tired after all that to blog on Monday.

Tuesday our little playgroup went out to lunch at this awesome place. It was a karaoke box (is that what they're called in English?), now turned into a restaurant. Each individual room still has the karaoke machine, but they also have slides and toys and stuff for little kids to play on and keep themselves occupied with while the adults eat their meals, and they also have a great kids menu - perfect portions, yummy food. It was great! Don't have to worry about disturbing other customers. Don't have to worry about keeping your kid occupied while you try to eat. What a fabulous idea! The weather was absolute crap though all day and all night.

That night I taught another belly dance class. One of my students, an American girl on the JET program told me that she was actually interested in teaching the dance studio's son English in exchange for ballroom dance lessons, so after our lesson I took her over to the studio to meet the weirdo couple and their son. I told the weirdo couple the night before about my student and they asked me to bring her by, which is why I did, and then the father tells us that they actually found a teacher for the son a few weeks ago, and the son is happy with that teacher. WTF?! Why didn't he tell me that the night before?! The wife actually got really angry and told him that he was totally rude for not telling me sooner and for wasting all of our time. So then after 40 minutes of his endless, nonsensical, blah blah blah he finally says that he would like my student to teach HIM English, and he'll teach her dance in exchange. Why the fuck couldn't he just tell me that the night before? And why couldn't he spit that out the first 10 minutes we were sitting there instead of taking an hour of our time to finally get to the point? I swear he is a senile bastard. Anyway, that whole exchange left me way too tired to blog Tuesday night.

Wednesday I had another belly dance class at the studio. Instead of putting Sara in daycare though, my SIL offered to take her for the afternoon. Sweet! She even picked her up and dropped her off AND fed her lunch. Seriously the best daycare service ever! And free! The senile old bastard at the dance studio managed to piss me off yet again though. I asked him if there was somewhere I could park my car during the Wednesday lesson since paying for daycare and parking was leaving me way in the red for the Wednesday classes. He told me to park in front of his car. I get to the studio at 12:40 for the 1:00 lesson. His car isn't there yet. If I park first, he'll have to park behind me blocking me in, so I drive around the block TWICE. Still not there and it's 12:50. I give up and use the paid parking lot next door. Studio is locked of course because the senile bastard has yet to arrive. He finally walks in at 1:00 exactly. He has a phone and he has my number. Why in the hell didn't he call me to tell me he'd be late? At least the lesson went well.

SIL brought Sara back around 4 and she and her 2 kids hung around for an or so, which was really fun since I hadn't seen them in ages. I threw dinner together in about half an hour that night and was thinking about how that was proof that my domestic skills have drastically improved recently and was going to blog about that on Wednesday night. So I get on the computer and remember that I have to take care of some banking. So I log onto our savings account (it's our savings account now, but it was MY savings account before we were married, there is still only 1 ATM card, and it sits in my wallet). I'm looking at the balance and something is terribly wrong. There is no way there should be such a small amount in the account. I look at all the transactions, and a few weeks earlier 500,000 yen was withdrawn. I start freaking out because I know I didn't take that money out. I call Akinori into the room all in a panic because someone has stolen 500,000 yen from our account and I can't figure out how and with this much time passed how will we ever find who did it and we have to call the police and and and, Akinori takes my hands and starts to kneel. This is not a good sign at all.

He gives me this whole sob story about how someone he sold something to 2 years ago has come back claiming that the item was fake and he wanted his money back. Akinori promised him that it was original and that if he didn't believe him, he would buy it back from him at any time. So the guy had been having a fit about it and it looked like he was getting ready to take some drastic measures and Akinori knew I wouldn't lend him the money so one morning before work he took the ATM card out of my wallet and withdrew the money from the 7-11 down the street and came back and put the card back in my wallet, and has just been praying ever since that I wouldn't check the account until he was able to put the money back in, which will supposedly be this Monday. We'll see about that. Remember the 470,000 yen from January? Yeah well I just FINALLY got that back Tuesday, and the sneaky bastard said "give me the ATM card, I'll put it in the bank since I have to go anyway and pull the money out of my account" so that I wouldn't see the balance for myself. I asked him for the statement receipt when he got back because he ALWAYS comes back with one, and of course this time he conveniently forgot. It all started to make sense. Needless to say Akinori is out of the good books and into the you'll-be-lucky-if-you-come-home-tomorrow-and-the-locks-aren't-changed books. I was devastated, and cried through all of his excuses and explanations. I can't believe he would steal from our account! He keeps correcting me and telling me that he borrowed the money, not stole it. But until I get that money back, it was stolen. Bastard's lucky I don't call the cops on him! Too exhausted from that whole experience to blog Wednesday night.

Thursday was awesome! It was the one day this week I didn't have a belly dance class to teach, and though I love belly dance, too much of a good thing can get a little tiring. My friend H came up from Matsumoto and although we've hung out many, many times, it's always been in a group of people, and I always thought, "You know I would really like to just hang out with H one-on-one. I think we would have a good time together and LOTS to talk about." And of course I was right. LOTS to talk about, GREAT time! We started out at our house, which was good because when we went out for lunch Sara gave us both a great workout by making us chase her all over the restaurant. Not conducive to great, continuous conversation, but we managed.

After we took H to the bus stop Sara and I went shopping for some household stuff and then I had this fantastic idea. I would take Sara to a pet shop so she could see the dogs, since she seems to like them so much. I'm not sure what came over me or why I thought this was a fantastic idea, but we went to one of the few pet shops I know of around here. It is probably the stinkiest too, and the smell was stuck in my hair and clothes well after we got home. Ugh. But Sara seemed to enjoy looking at the dogs and cats and properly "wan wan" ed at the dogs and "nyah" ed at the cats. I was very proud of her for being able to make the distinction. She definitely did not want to leave though, which is when I realized my fantastic idea was really a disaster waiting to happen. Luckily my daughter only nuts out for a minute or two before becoming distracted by something else. When we got home I once again threw dinner together in 3o minutes. Getting good at that! Not in the mood to blog though as I had to think about what I was going to do for the belly dance lesson I had today.

This morning I taught a one-off lesson sponsored by the city as "refreshment time for moms". The jidokan we go to offers these courses for moms once in awhile, along with babysitting services while the moms are "refreshing" themselves for an hour. They asked me awhile back if I would be interested in teaching one someday, and I said sure. So we set a date and it was this morning. I thought I had told them 10 people would be the ideal maximum, but somehow that turned into 20 and they were still turning people away.

It was a GREAT class though! Didn't get much done, but all the ladies seemed to really enjoy themselves, and they were all gung-ho about coming to one of my other classes and at the end the jidokan staff member asked if they would be interested in another belly dance "refreshment" class and they all raised their hands. Very satisfying! And they paid me 5000 yen! That's way more than the tight-ass couple at the dance studio pay me for an 80-minute class! And they validated my parking for 5 hours!! And I got free babysitting for an hour!!! That was definitely an excellent deal!

At the very end, when only a handful of the ladies were left, two of them asked if I ever performed anywhere as they would like to see what a full on choreography looked like, so I put the music back on and did a short choreography for them. One of the other remaining ladies started crying because she said she was so moved. I thought that was a little overboard, but I was still flattered. The woman and I were actually in the same maternity yoga class when I first moved to Nagano and she seemed a little emotionally unbalanced then too. But maybe I can use her reaction in my promotional flyers and stuff, "Brenda has been known to move people to tears with her beautiful performances." Sounds good, eh?

There were lots of familiar faces there though, so hopefully today's class will have served as an icebreaker for the next time I see the same moms at the jidokan, and they will come up and chat with me and maybe I can make some lovely new friends!

After the jidokan I took Sara for her measles and mumps vaccination. Lots of fun that was. She started to get whiny when I was pulling off her sweater and shirt in the inner waiting room and the full on waterworks started as soon as we sat down in front of the doctor. The crying lasted until we walked out the door. It was a gorgeous day though so I decided that it would be a waste to just go to the grocery store and go back home so in another stroke of genius I decided we should visit the free zoo that's kind of behind our house.

That was fun. We were there for the sea lions feeding time, but unfortunately Sara was more interested in collecting rocks. It was a good way to enjoy the nice weather though, and certainly more fun than grocery shopping! Sara "wan wan" ed at the sea lions and miniature horse, and "nyah"ed at the monkeys, so yeah, I think she's got all of the appropriate animal sounds worked out.

I was exhausted after everything today too, but I figured if I didn't start getting some of this out here. words were going to start pouring out of my ears as I have rewritten this blog so many times in my head this week!

One more piece of news. My Osaka trip has been confirmed for next weekend! Yeah! Unfortunately the friend I was hoping to stay with is going to be out of town the 1st two nights I'm going to be there, but I'm sure I can find somewhere else without a problem. I can always stay in my old apartment with my crazy friends who live there now, but their living arrangement really tends to be quite crazy and I don't know if I want to subject my 15-month old daughter to that just yet. I stayed there last year when Sara was 3 months old and totally regretted it, and ended up getting really sick and going home sooner than planned.

I am really looking forward to visiting Osaka though. Not so looking forward to the 4 hour train ride with Sara, but I'm sure we'll manage somehow. Not so looking forward to the project that I am going to Osaka for in the first place either. I had a glimpse at it yesterday and it is really super convoluted. Hopefully this meeting will shed some light on the process, and of course the money I will earn is always welcome.

Alrighty, well now that I've gotten everything there could possibly be clinging to me off my chest, it is time for bed! Night all!

So long yesterday!

I decided I couldn't post yesterday because there was no way I would have been able to keep up the whole new positive me image. It was just not a great day. I had trouble sleeping the night before because I was anxious about whether or not my period would come, and taking Sara to hoikuen. My sleep wasn't aided at all by little knees and feet in my stomach and back all night, or sudden hair pulling every now and again. It is definitely time to move Sara to her crib. Sleeping in bed with us is just getting way too uncomfortable.

So my period did come. Enough said about that. At least now I know when I see those faint lines that I REALLY shouldn't get my hopes up and once and for all, I SHOULD NOT DO AN HPT UNTIL AF IS AT LEAST A WEEK LATE!!! When is this going to sink in for me? I feel so thick! Waiting is just so damn hard! It's also hard not to freak out about whether or not I can actually get pregnant again. But we shall persevere. As I've said before, at least it's a pleasant process :)

Then the whole Sara and hoikuen business. I dropped her off and she was fine. I knew she would be. She's not the type to freak out right away. It takes her a little while. She's super curious, so I had a feeling that it would happen exactly like the teacher said it did. She wandered around for awhile checking stuff out and taking it all in, and then it hit her that I wasn't around, and there was no mollifying her. She cried and cried until she cried herself to sleep, which is what she was still doing when I got there. Poor bunny.

The time we were apart wasn't all that wonderful for me either. I just gave Sara a little wave goodbye and told her I would be back later. Then got in the car and had a wee cry and off to the belly dance lesson, which was not all that much fun. It was one of those lessons, where the students don't get it, and somehow I feel like they are blaming me for not being able to do it. This lesson is 2 older, as in 10 or so years older than me, ladies, and one of them kept saying, she would buy a hip scarf when she got better, and she would wear something that showed her stomach once she got better. Woman - if I tell you, you need a hip scarf, you NEED a hip scarf. If I tell you you need to show me your stomach, you NEED to show me your stomach. I cannot help you if I can't see how your body is or is not moving. With a baggy T-shirt and baggy sweatpants I have no idea if the way you are moving is even close to what you should be doing, and frankly neither do you since you can't see yourself in the mirror anymore than I can.

This is why I hate teaching English. It doesn't happen through osmosis, or just because you WANT to speak English. You have to practice and study and work at it, and at the very least, if you don't listen to your teacher's advice, it's never going to happen. Okay, well I probably just blew up all the brain cells my positive thoughts over the past few days had nurtured, but I feel like I needed that little rant.

After the lesson I went for Mosburger and actually sat inside the restaurant and ate lunch by myself. It was nice to have a few moments to myself, but nearly as nice as I had previously imagined, and I felt too guilty to really enjoy it. I went to pick up Sara just before 4, took her home, and we both got some really good cuddles in. It didn't take long before Sara was back to her usual self though, perfectly happy to play on her own.

But in the end, I think the events of the day did take some toll on her because she had a super-sized-all-out-nut-out tantrum around 9 because I wouldn't let her play with the salt and pepper shakers while I was trying to eat my dinner. I can't wait until she understands what "This is not a toy" really means. Akinori was kind enough to scarf down what he was eating, and take Sara in the other room, and shove a bottle in her mouth so I could have a few minutes of true peace and quiet. (Your husband looking after your child and a complete stranger looking after your child are two completely different things!) By the time I finished washing the dishes and went back into the living room Sara was knocked out. Poor poor bunny.

I was pretty knocked out from my day too and we were all in bed before midnight, which is literally unheard of in our house. I did manage to write my appreciation diary before going to sleep though. I thought about doing it in the morning, but then I thought better of it. If ever there was a day I needed to go to sleep thinking positive thoughts, it was yesterday.

More positive = more smart...I mean smarter

At least according to the Japanese TV show エチカの鏡 it does. I guess that would translate as something like "The Mirror of Ethics". Kind of relates to the show, but mostly it's about how to make your children, or like this past week, yourself, smarter. Who knows if all of the advice they give is correct or not, but Akinori is totally addicted to the show ever since they had that Kayoko Baachan on it. She's this little old lady married to a neuroscientist/surgeon and she has this whole philosophy on how to raise children to be geniuses based on her husband's research.

Anyway, this past week was about how adults can make themselves more intelligent. I wasn't paying attention to the whole show (as I was more engrossed in playing Solitaire on my iPod Touch) but Akinori records it every week, so I figured I could just watch it later. I did catch a few things that I found interesting. There are 10 things you can do every day to make yourself smarter, like hang up the laundry with only the opposite hand you normally use, so if you're right-handed you would only use your left hand to hang the laundry. Another thing was to write out a schedule of everything you plan on doing that day, like 8am wake up, 8:10 - 8:15 make breakfast, etc. I've already decided I am going to forfeit any IQ points I might gain from doing that. Just not going to happen. Pre-baby...maybe, but definitely not now.

The last point of the 10 that I remember is to write an appreciation diary at the end of every day. You write down all the good things that happened that day and whatever you are grateful for. Kind of like how some bloggers do the "Things I love Thursday" thing, but you do it every night before you go to bed. I didn't pay attention to what the benefits of doing this are, but even without being told why, this just seems like a good idea. For one thing, you can't help but go to bed full of positive thoughts and remembering the good things about the day. That can't be bad just before you recharge for the night, can it? So I started doing this last night, and I have no idea if that affected my day or not, but I was in a pretty good mood all day, approaching downright giddy by the time I went to my belly dance lesson tonight.

I don't know if this program can actually change your life or not, but if definitely made me rethink any complaining I do. The brain specialist on the program said that we think we are relieving stress by complaining and voicing negative thoughts, but we're really doing ourselves more harm than good. I have my doubts about how true this is, because I certainly love a good bitch session, but I figure that no harm can come from giving this "no complaining, be more positive and appreciative" frame of mind a try, so we'll see how it goes.

In following with my new zen attitude about life, I was doing a little researching online and found this article today. I bookmarked it so that I can look back at it often. Every point in it makes so much sense, and especially since I am someone who tends to dwell way too much on what others think of me, it really struck a chord with me.

Thanks for all of the comments on my last post. My ex actually wrote me back this morning and told me that my mail was able to bring a smile to his face. Well that certainly wiped away any apprehension I had about what I had written (along with everyone's very kind comments)! It still makes me sad to think about his mother, but apparently it was really, really fast. They only found the cancer in October, and she had surgery in December and things started going downhill from there. As far as battles with cancer go, hers was short and relatively painless, and she went surrounded by family and friends and lots of love. What more could you ask for out of life?

I felt like I didn't have anything to blog about for days, and now I'm overflowing with stuff I want to write about. I started a new belly dance class on Monday nights at the dance studio this week. After the class the owner asked me if I could do a class on Wednesday afternoons too. There are only 2 students at the moment. At first I was really not too pleased about doing this class. It means I have to put Sara in daycare for the afternoon on Wednesdays. I have never left her in the care of anyone but family so far, so this is a really big step for us, well...for me. It almost made me cry right then and there just thinking about leaving Sara at the daycare. The money I will get for this Wednesday class will only just cover the cost of daycare, so I thought about refusing to do it, but then I thought about it again.

Akinori has been telling me since Sara was about 5 or 6 months old that if I was really stressed out by how much attention she demands, that we should consider putting her in daycare once or twice a week. Of course I feel stress looking after my daughter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. But I love my daughter more than life, so although it's frustrating to not have my own time, I don't necessarily mind it all that much. I actually find being a full-time mom quite rewarding. But I digress. I thought about what having Sara in daycare would mean, in that she would be there for 4 hours, and the lesson is only 1 hour and 20 minutes. That's 2.5 hours to do whatever I want! I almost never have 2.5 hours to myself, especially not during the day, and definitely not on a weekday. So I decided that even if there are no financial benefits to doing this Wednesday lesson, there are definitely some psychological benefits, for me anyway. My daughter may be scarred for life after tomorrow, but for now I have decided this is a good thing, and I am looking forward to 4:30 tomorrow when I pick Sara up, and that feeling of having missed her and being really happy to see her, and hopefully, her me. The amount of stuff I have to prepare for her thought is ridiculous! She's going for 4 hours, not a week long camping trip! (Sorry I forgot I was not complaining and trying to be more positive for a moment there. )

And finally, my period is due tomorrow. I think it was actually due earlier, but I am really, really super trying to not get my hopes up, so we will assume Fertility Friend is correct, and it's due tomorrow. Although Akinori has been after me to do an HPT since last week, I have been good and patient and didn't give in until this evening. (So maybe not all THAT patient, but damn good for me!) I got a very, very, very faint line after 4 or 5 minutes, but the prescribed time is 1 minute, and you are supposed to discard any results achieved after that. So, I am doing my best at taking the result of the test at face value, but still hoping that I don't get my period tomorrow or the day after, or the day after that, and that I will get a darker line in a few days (if not tomorrow because let's face it, who am I kidding? I just don't have any patience when it comes to finding out if I'm pregnant or not. Not a lick.)

Okay, I don't think I have left out even one detail of my life at the moment, which means I have a pretty boring life, huh. But that's okay. I'm happy. Goodnight and sweet dreams bloggy world!

Feeling like an ass

I had a few bits of really sad news this past week. The first was that a friend from when I was on JET died. He wasn't a good friend, and I hadn't seen or heard from him in at least 5 or 6 years, but it is incredibly sad, nonetheless, to know that he is no longer here. Even sadder is that he took his own life. I'm not sure of the details. I heard everything 5th hand or so, but there is a Facebook page dedicated to him, and reading it made me cry like a baby. He was definitely not the type of person I would ever believe could do something like that. He was funny and good-looking and nice to everyone, and really, really smart. Apparently he had become depressed while teaching in Africa, and returned to the States, where he was still depressed, but refused treatment. I just hope he is happier now and at peace. Rest in peace, my friend.

The other bit of sad news was also a death. My first boyfriend ever's mother passed away. It looks like it was from cancer. Again I found out through Facebook (better than the evening news, that Facebook). I'm not in touch with him that often anymore. He lives in LA now, so I saw him 5 or 6 years ago when I was there visiting my aunt and uncle on my way home, and I'll drop him a line now and then, but he's a successful (not really famous though) actor/dancer/comedian/public speaker, and is constantly traveling or filming something. I just figure he doesn't have time for the little people anymore and only contact him when I go home to see if he'll be around.

Anyway, I was so shocked to hear that his mother passed away. It made me cry like a baby again for the 2nd time in as many days. There were so many posts on his Facebook wall with people sending their condolences, and I wanted to send mine too, but writing something on his Facebook wall seems so impersonal. I wanted to call him, but it was only a day after his mother passed, and I didn't know if it would be appropriate to call him. So I sent him a message on Facebook, and I was crying the whole time I was writing. I wrote it and re-wrote at least 6 times, and it took forever. I had no idea what to write. I couldn't think of any words that would portray how saddened I was to hear. I just said that I was sorry to hear the news, that I thought of calling but didn't know if it was appropriate, that I was sorry there was so little I could do from so far away, but I would like to send flowers or make a donation, so when you have time please let me know where I can send one or the other to, and I shared a memory that I had of her.

I read everyone else's messages, and they were so well-worded and sounded so heartfelt. I felt like I had made a total ass of myself and that what I wrote didn't seem heartfelt at all. I'm just not good at expressing myself in these situations I guess. If I could see him or talk to him, it would be different, but in writing, I don't think I come across very sincere at all. I just feel horrible. I wish I hadn't sent the message at all and just sent flowers to the funeral home or something. I seriously feel like an ass. (big sigh)

Perfect cure for a hangover (long)

Yesterday was a great day, and today even better! Though I expected a horrible day since I woke up at 7a.m. with a pounding, painful headache and completely nauseous, but that is what 6 Heinekens will do to you.

It has been gorgeous every day this week so far. On Monday it was a whopping 13.5 degrees! We didn't really do much though besides grocery shop rather late in the afternoon, so I promised myself I wasn't going to let us waste anymore beautiful weather inside the house, because who knows when winter will rear its ugly head again. I made okonomiyaki for dinner and 1. it was not a disaster 2. it was fast and 3. it actually came out quite delicious, so I think it will be a permanent addition to my very limited cooking repertoire.

Yesterday morning it was warm enough to put Sara in the stroller and actually walk to play group. It's about a 20 minute walk, so when it's cold it sucks and I end up driving, but yesterday was totally enjoyable. We were the first to arrive at playgroup and the last to leave. Sara ran around like the mad little monkey that she is, and tired herself out enough to fall asleep in the stroller about 3 seconds after I put her in.

Left playgroup and went to the Docomo shop because my phone is fucked. I'm dying to get a new one, but I want the brand-new, super shiny, fancy shmancy Experia, and it's not coming out until April, so I went in to see if they could fix it at least temporarily, and it turns out they can, and for free, which is even better! But it's going to take about 2 weeks, so they gave me a loaner in the meantime. And I got to reserve my brand spanking new phone too! Left the Docomo shop on a total retail high!

While I was in the Docomo shop though I got a text, text, text, phonecall, text from Mrs. X. I've managed to avoid her for a month or so, and that's usually when the guilt starts to settle in, so I was feeling rather guilty and agreed to meet her for coffee. I have finally realized why I can't stand spending time with her though, I find her incredibly, insufferably boring. We have absolutely nothing in common except that we are both married to Japanese men, but even our husbands and marital situations are as different as night and day. If we were married to Saudi Arabian men, she would be married to a sultan, and I would be married to a basket weaver. So when she complains about trying to convince her husband to buy her a Mercedes instead of a fully-loaded Toyota van, I really cannot sympathize with her plight, nor am I interested in any of it. Okay, enough about that.

Went back home, got changed and ready to teach. Had 5 students show up again at last night's lesson, which is fantastic for me motivationally and financially. I feel like they're improving a lot too, which is the best feeling. I feel like I'm actually earning the money they pay me, and I get a great work out while doing it! What could be more satisfying? We decided last week that after class this week we would go out for a drink, so we did. That's where the 6 Heinekens made their very welcome appearance. God I miss beer! I figured it was probably (hopefully) one of my last chances to really get liquored up for awhile, so I just went for it. I even smoked 2 whole cigarettes (and I felt totally guilty about it the moment I walked in the door)!

Lots of talk about sex, hot guys, drinking, sordid pasts. It all made me really, really miss being young and single, well being single. I'm pretty happy with my age and who I am at this stage, so I don't really feel like I need to get any younger, but man, the damage I could do without a husband or a child. I think it was probably all of those thoughts that propelled my drinking, and I stumbled (literally) into the genkan at around midnight I think. I had two sips of water before going to sleep, and in my impaired state I thought that would be enough to prevent a hangover in the morning because I couldn't be arsed to actually go into the kitchen and poor myself a glass. I was so wrong.

Sara slept until 9 yesterday, so I was hopeful that she would today too. Murphy's law and all that. She woke up at 7, and I popped a bottle in her mouth, which will usually buy me another hour or two of sleep, but not this morning. Wide awake, bright eyed and bushy-tailed 10 minutes later. It was so beautiful outside though, I didn't care as much as I thought I would. Plus my hangover wasn't really letting me get the best sleep either. I can't believe I used to sleep all day after a night out drinking. Well, I would also get home at 5 or 6 in the morning, on an early night, 10 or 11 if I was really enjoying myself. So I guess sleeping all day made sense.

Anyway, we got up and I let Sara run mad around the living room while I tried to keep my dinner down on the sofa for a few hours. I finally decided that it was time to clean myself up and get out and enjoy the day around noon. So for the first time EVER, I turned on BabyTV, left Sara alone and took a shower. Don't get me wrong, we turn on BabyTV all the time, but I have never left her alone for more than 2 or 3 minutes when she was awake, or when I couldn't run right back into the room if she started screaming. We have the living room gated off so there's not that much trouble she can get into if left alone, but she can still definitely get into trouble unfortunately. Our house is just so poorly designed that I can't really do anything in any other room and confidently leave Sara alone in the living room. But lately I've been feeling like Sara has matured enough that maybe she won't kill herself or the cat, if I take a quick 10-minute shower. So I did and it was a brilliant success. No tears, no injuries, intact baby and cat. Clean me. Yeah!

So first we went to 7-11, took out some money to pay the bills and bought some snacks for the park. Went to the post office and paid the bills, of which there were many, sadly. Then off to the park. We passed by the local fruit and vegetable stand and Sara used her feminine wiles to snag 3 tangerines. We then stopped by the photo studio where we took ridiculously expensive photos last month and had them made into a book, only they spelled our last name with a "d" instead of a "t", so Akinori had me take the book back so they could create a new cover with our name spelled correctly. Now we were finally ready for some fun, except Sara was asleep.

The sky was so perfectly blue I had to take a photo:

The beautiful WARM (16.5 degrees!!!) weather, having a shower and eating a bowl of rice smothered in cheese and salsa right before we left the house was doing wonders for my hangover, so I was quite happy to just sit outside while Sara slept. And we were at the park, and so was everyone else, so it was just a matter of time before the screams of other children woke up mine. And once she was up there was no stopping her. She is a little machine!! And boy has this girl got balls! If anyone gets in her way, she just pushes past and soldiers on. Not necessarily a trait I want to encourage, I can't wait for her to understand the concept of "excuse me", but that's not for a little while I'm guessing.

I am absolutely exhausted though after our day. Forget the fact that I was hungover, I got a full workout at the park today. I was definitely not planning on climbing walls over and over and over, but that is what happened. Sara has got a thing for climbing. For those of you not on my Facebook, this is a video we took a couple of weeks ago http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eeYhmJwmqgM of her climbing in and out of her highchair. She loves to do that, ENDLESSLY! So I wasn't too surprised when she started climbing up this:

It's not stairs. It's just logs screwed together with two ropes running down to hold on to. Of course my little monkey isn't old enough to grasp the concept of holding on the ropes, so she just did it holding on to the logs. I wanted to take a photo of her on it that far away, but I was not about to risk her falling backwards and cracking her skull open. So this is what I managed to take as I was climbing up after her.

There was a 3 year old girl who wanted to climb up too, but she kept saying "kowai yo! kowai yo!" (I'm scared). The mother said "Look at that wee little baby climbing up. She's way tinier than you and she's not scared." The mom was very impressed with Sara's - gumption, shall we call it? This was far from the first time that another mother has commented on Sara's lack of shyness or fear. I'm a little worried to tell you the truth. Is this one of those things that will wear off with time, and as she gets older she'll become more shy and careful? Or is she a daredevil for life? Right now I think it's great that she's so fearless, but I'm wondering how I'll feel about it when she starts talking back or gets a little older and starts experimenting with really dangerous things.

This was the first time she has really had free reign to walk around outside since learning to walk, so she was just enraptured with everything. Dirt on the ground, grass, rocks, manholes. EVERYTHING! Watching her run around was amazing! Days like today are why people have children. I kept thinking about how funny it is that last night I was almost regretting being married and having a child, and today I felt such complete and total bliss at being a parent.

I tried to stay out of her way as much as possible and just let her do what she wanted. But man, I have decided we need to have "outside play clothes" and "inside play clothes" She was absolutely filthy by the time we left for home! I'm far from being OCD, but not as far as some people I suppose, and I need a little mental preparation for getting my hands dirty kind of play or whatever. I guess that's just something I'm going to get used to really quick. I've also learned that I need to bring snacks to share with other kiddies we may meet at the park since Sara definitely mooched way more than her fair share off of other kids. That was pretty embarrassing, so on the way home I gave one of the mothers two of the tangerines we got from the fruit store (we had already eaten one).



So that is how my hangover was cured. But now that my body is free from aches and pains, that incredible exhaustion is setting in, and it is time to go to bed. Man am I going to sleep well tonight!

Still here

I haven't posted in nearly a week. Not that I haven't wanted to, but for some reason I have been totally and utterly exhausted at the end of every day, and could not possibly even think about turning on the computer, let alone blogging. That has not kept me from reading everyone else's blogs via my iPod Touch though. (I swear iPod Touch is the BEST invention EVER!! If you're wondering what you want for your birthday...you want an iPod Touch, and no, unfortunately Apple is not paying me to promote their products.) Although I have wanted to comment on several blogs I haven't had the energy to do that either. Apologies all around.

So let's see. There was Valentine's day on Sunday which was basically just another excuse for us to order Domino's pizza. Doesn't take much for us to find an excuse to order Domino's though. I asked Akinori if he wanted the heart-shaped pizza they had, and he said no, not enough volume, so not really anything Valentine-y about ordering Domino's at all, is there. I did make him brownies though in order to fulfill my chocolate giving obligation. And this time, they were actually successful! Screw Betty Crocker, I used a Japanese mix I found at the local supermarket, and although they were not as moist as Betty Crocker, they were still yummy! I think the moistness factor may be because I baked them too long. Which just means I now have an excuse to make brownies again in an effort to perfect my baking method. Anyway, here's a before and after photo of the brownies, as in before and after hopeless decoration attempt.
I really do not bake, let alone cook, so I was actually pretty chuffed with the outcome. Perhaps there is hope for me yet as a semi-decent housewife and mother.

I also taught the trial lesson at the dance studio on Sunday. It went well I thought, but I have a feeling there will only be 3 or 4 people in the class of the 8 that came to check it out. I did meet one really cool girl there though who is a friend of my BIL's ex-girlfriend (who's British and went back to England about a year before I moved to Nagano, gutted about that since I really, really like her!) She's married to a Canadian guy and really nice, and an ex-party girl pre-marriage herself, so we had lots to talk about as we walked home together. I'm looking forward to hooking up with her again.

After the lesson I came home and FIL, SIL and her 2 kids came over. I hadn't seen them since New Year's, so it was nice to catch up. They brought shitloads of chocolate and sweets though. We're getting close, but are still trying to finish off the St. Valentine's Day chocolate massacre this house has suffered. Nice to feel loved, but really, didn't need nearly that much chocolate. SIL #2 sent over a box of chocolate, and MIL sent over a box via courier with a truly ridiculous amount of chocolate in it. I laughed when I opened the box there was so much chocolate inside. And despite this, we are nearly finished with it all. I am going to suffer serious chocolate withdrawl when it's all gone since I refuse to buy sweets. Maybe I'll try the brownies again when all the chocolate is gone...

Baby making week has come and gone so now we are in the "wait for what seems like FOREVER" stage. I hate this part of the month the most. Hopefully there will good news in a few weeks. I have since found out that 2 more good friends of mine are currently pregnant with their 2nd children, so that means I personally know 10 women who are pregnant right now, and those are only the women I know IRL. I can think of at least 5 more that I have either never met in person, or are friends of friends. That is what makes this more difficult. On the other hand, I was just thinking yesterday about how I really absolutely love spending time with Sara, 1-on-1, and that will all end when we have another child, and we can never get that back again, nor will any of our future children be able to experience what Sara and I have this past year. It's a really special time, and I need to treasure the fact that it is just me and my gorgeous little girl right now (and Akinori, but you know what I mean). So although I really do want to be pregnant, part of me wonders how much of that is feeling pressured by everyone else I know being pregnant and some sort of competitive feeling about having a 2nd child first, or giving birth first or something stupid like that. Either way, I'm definitely in a better place about the situation than I was a few weeks ago. Whatever will be, will be, and I am okay with that. Just call me Zen master, if you like.

Oh my gosh! I can't believe I nearly forgot! I got a call today from the company in Osaka that throws me lots of juicy translating bones, and apparently there might be a big project coming up in March that they want me to do a part of. So yeah for income, but even better...it's a convoluted project and they want to explain the process in person, so they will pay for me to travel to and from Osaka!! I'm thinking that I will try and work it so I can spend a few days there. Hopefully I can find someone to babysit Sara while I'm in my meeting with the company, and then we can hang out in Osaka for a few days. That would be so awesome!! Otherwise, I'll have to leave Sara in Nagano and at the most just go for one night, if not just for the day, which would not be so nice, but I'm not looking any gift horses in the mouth. You want to pay for me to go to Osaka? I'll take it!

And with that, I am going to clean up the cat puke that my cat has just left next to me on the sofa, and go to bed. Sweet dreams world!

Might as well

I am supposed to be working on a short (but incredibly boring, though aren't they all?) translation project, and I'm not getting very far with it as I keep turning back to Facebook or my e-mail every time I have to use the online dictionary, so I figured I may as well post.

Thanks for all of the validating comments on my last post. It's over a week later and there is still absolutely no line whatsoever on the last test, a very faint line on the 2nd test, and a definite line on the 1st, so I'm pretty sure it was a chemical pregnancy, not that it even matters anymore. It was what it was, and it's time to move on and try again. We are now in "子作り週間” (baby-making week) as Akinori calls it, which last night he told me is his favorite week of the month. No surprise there I guess. Please keep your fingers, toes and t's crossed for us. Thanks in advance!

The dance studio couple called me again on Wednesday to ask if I could come in for another fucking meeting about the trial lesson I'm doing on Sunday. I don't know how many of these ridiculous meetings we need to have before I finally do this trial lesson and we get things moving. I guess they had complaints from prospective students that 2000 yen a lesson was too expensive. I told them there was no way they should charge any cheaper considering 2000 yen for an 80 minute lesson was already cheap as, and no decent belly dance class charges any less, ANYWHERE! I'm sure you could find cheaper at some kominkan somewhere, where some woman who has taken lessons for a year up and decides she's ready to teach and gathers some other women who have no idea what the difference is between belly dance and hula, and only charges them 500 yen or some nonsense. But no respectable belly dance teacher is going to accept any less than what I charge.

Anyway, I finally convinced them not to change the price, and they finally agreed to a 60-40 arrangement for payment. Thank goodness! I really was not looking forward to fighting with them about money forever and ever. AND I was able to back out of the English teaching deal too. I just told them that I really have no interest in teaching English, which therefore means I really would not be a good teacher, and I'm sure there are tons of better teachers out there who are genuinely interested in teaching and would love to teach their son (though I can't guarantee they'll do it in return for ballroom dance lessons). The father/husband is such a stubborn, fruitloop he basically dismissed everything I said and said, "Well the biggest problem is that you have a young child. That makes everything difficult." I'm sure if I was really interested in teaching his son, I would figure out a way to do it even though I have a small child. But I wasn't about to go over it with him again, and he was finally taking no for an answer so I left it. Let him think what he wants about me not teaching English to his son, just as long as I don't have to do it.

Unfortunately that's not the end of my belly dance drama this week. A Japanese friend of mine passed out my flyers at her mommy/baby English conversation group, and the leader of the group decided that once a month I should come and teach belly dance in English. At first she asked if I would do it for 500 yen/person, as she taught them all English for free (she's Japanese btw). I told her I couldn't do it for any less than 1000 yen/person, and that is my super-best-friend-thank-you-for-the-introduction rate. So she agreed and I went to the lesson for the first time this past Monday.

My friend couldn't go to the lesson because her younger son developed an ear infection, but when I got there, the leader of the group seemed to be the only one actually interested in the lesson. The other moms were just kind of going along with it. One mom couldn't even participate since her daughter refused to let go of her. When she tried to pay me at the end I refused to take her money. It's one thing if people WANT to take a lesson, it's another if they are being forced to, and that's what I felt like was going on. So my friend e-mailed me later in the day to find out how the lesson went and I told her I didn't think anyone was really into it besides the leader. She wrote back saying that I was right in thinking that the leader was really the one who wants to take lessons, and she just decided without really asking anyone, that once a month they were going to do belly dance. So we have plans to meet up and talk about this later next week.

This whole situation bugs me for a number of reasons though. The leader knows I have a mommy/baby class on Thursdays that she can bring her daughter to. She also knows that I charge 2000 yen for that class. So in bringing me to her little English group, she gets lessons at half price. Plus she promised me there would be at least 10 women at the group, which is part of the reason I agreed to 1000 yen/person, and there were only 5, 1 of whom my conscience wouldn't let me take money from. Plus I don't want to be put in the middle of some teacher/student impending mutiny thing. (Big sigh) why do things have to be so complicated?

Alright, guess I really should get some more translating done before going to bed. Have a great weekend everyone! I'll leave you with a gratuitous photo of my belly dance flyer that Akinori designed for me (only took him 64 years to finish!).

Validate me!

So seeing as my period was due one week ago today, I decided today would be just as good as Sunday to try the HPT again to make sure I am, in fact, not pregnant. Did not get even a faint hint of a line, so I think it's safe to say that I'm not. Although I checked the test again this evening because I wanted to compare what it looked like to the other two tests after some time had passed. Reading up on the internet, it says you shouldn't consider faint lines that appear after the prescribed amount of time to be positive indicators because the test becomes more sensitive as time goes on and will start to respond to trace levels of HCG that can be found in both male and females. Anyway, the first test definitely had more than just a faint line. The second test was quite faint, but still darker than today's result, which was nothing, even after a full day of sitting out.

The first test I took is on the bottom, the middle was the 2nd, and today's test is on top. The lines look much fainter in the photo, but even in the photo you can see the line in the bottom test, right? I should have known when I got a fainter line the next day that something was wrong, but there is really nothing I could have done, is there. I think I just need for someone else to see the tests and agree with me that the first was definitely positive enough to allow me to reasonably believe that I was pregnant.

I am trying to look at the positives.
- All of our attempts last month, were not in vain. We did in fact fertilize an egg, so my timing was not off.
- It is believed that chemical pregnancies tend to happen because of chromosonal abnormalities in the fertilized egg so if the egg had matured the baby would have most definitely had certain health problems, and it is definitely easier to raise a child without significant health problems.
- Miscarrying sucks whenever it happens, but the sooner it happens, the less time it takes for my body to recover, so we can start trying again this month.
- Miscarrying so soon means I didn't have a chance to become truly emotionally attached to my baby. I think miscarrying, even a week later, let alone a month later would have been much more traumatic.
- Because chemical pregnancies usually go undetected, it doesn't technically count as a miscarriage on any medical history.

Anyway, on to happier stuff. Last night's dinner party was actually quite fun. We had tomato nabe, and Akinori was really, really good about making sure I didn't have to do anything for it. Akinori promised to do the clean up in the morning before he went to work, which he didn't, but I just left it, and he did it when he got home. Luckily only 4 girls showed up, instead of 6 because there was no way another 2 adults would have fit in our tiny kitchen. The girls didn't leave until after midnight, so I couldn't get Sara to sleep until after 1 which I wasn't too happy about. But she slept until 10:30, so at least that was good. The tomato nabe so totally yummy and there was enough ingredients left over for me to cut them up and throw them in the nabe again tonight, so dinner tonight was easy-peasy, just the way I like it. I bet you'll never guess what we're having for dinner tomorrow night...

Lunch today was great!　My friend C is American, and has been living in Nagano for 19 years, or something crazy like that. Her husband made us all the most delicious pasta and ratatouille with homemade cheese for lunch. I don't know where she found a husband who not only likes to cook, but is amazingly good at it, but I would like to trade mine in for one of those models please. The other woman C invited to lunch is English and has two super sweet girls who are 4 and 2. Our 3 kids had a great time making a huge mess of C's house, and then C's 3 kids came home from school and the fun was doubled. We didn't leave until just after 6 or so and we got there around noon, which to me is an undeniable sign of a truly fabulous day. I talked so much my throat hurt when I got home! We have decided that we have to have a girl's night out sometime soon, so I am really looking forward to leaving Sara at home with her daddy and having some ME time with friends. In fact it is just so nice to have such nice, normal people that I actually would like to be friends with, who live relatively close to me, and not feel like I am trapped in some skewed relationship with a psycho stalker woman.

Sara and I have gomi toban in the morning so I really need to be getting off to bed! Gomi toban is serious rubbish in every sense of the word, if you ask me, especially on the coldest morning of the year when it is supposed to me -7 out and snowing! I have a 1 year-old baby for christ's sake. Aren't I allowed to switch with someone else for a warmer month at least? Will have to ask Akinori to look into this further. Goodnight!

Feeling better? Not sure...

Thanks for your comments everyone. I really, really appreciated them. For some reason the internet inexplicably disappeared after my last post, and then reappeared this morning so I couldn't post or reply to anything until now. Why mechanical items think they are allowed to develop minds of their own, I have no idea, but I'm glad the internet is back because I sure as hell missed it. Another newly discovered addiction I guess.

I canceled my Tuesday night belly dance class, and I canceled my class this afternoon too. Tuesday I was just way too out of sorts to handle teaching a 90 minute class, and today, besides the fact that all but one of my students canceled, it is just too damn cold outside. I have no motivation to do anything that requires me to leave my living room, on top of feeling a bit emotionally zapped at the moment. I feel like shit for canceling the classes, and I so need the money, but I just couldn't handle it today. If winter doesn't end soon, I don't know if I will ever be able to handle it again. I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again, probably another 7 million times before winter is over, I fucking HATE winter!! The cold weather is doing absolutely nothing to improve my mood either.

I couldn't avoid going out at all today though. I had a meeting at the dance studio where I'm going to start teaching a regular belly dance class next month. So frickin' frustrating! This older couple owns a dance studio where they teach mostly ballroom and latin, but they want to start a belly dance class. So far we've pretty much avoided talking about payment, but obviously we have to talk about it sometime. I'm doing a trial lesson on Feb 14, and I've agreed to that for free, which I think is extremely generous! The husband then offered me 500 per student per lesson after that. WTF? If one student shows up, I get 500 yen? I don't think so! That won't even pay for parking! Even if two students show up, 1000 yen? I think not.

From this week I'm teaching another class that only meets once a month, but they wanted to give me 500 yen per student, and I said no, it has to be at least 1000 yen AND there are at least 10 students in that class. So the owner of the studio said that this would be weekly, not monthly, and I understand that, but I want at least 5000 yen per lesson, and even that is really super cheap. Ridiculously cheap, but I'm willing to do it. Hell, they pay for a flamenco teacher to come from Nagoya once a week and teach, and I'm sure she charges more than 500 yer per student. So the money talks have been put off once again.

Before I left though the guy tried to get a free English lesson off of me, which really pissed me off. They want me to teach their 16 year old son English. Their son wants me to teach him English too, but I really don't want to teach English. There are so many JETs and other English teachers in this city, why do they have to harass the only native English speaker in the city who has absolutely no interest in teaching, for lessons? Not only that, they asked before how much private lessons cost, and I told them I thought the average these days was about 2500 - 3000 yen an hour? (Am I about right here? Someone tell me if I'm way off.) So I sort of entertained the thought of teaching him. He wants to learn, which makes all the difference in the world when teaching (although I am still not keen on the idea), but it is some extra pocket money that I can really use. Anyway, today the wife tells me that he wants to know if he can trade English lessons for dance lessons (the son teaches ballroom and latin dance too). I am really not so interested in taking ballroom dance lessons. I mean I'm not all that uninterested, but I would much, much rather have the cash. I mean I would much rather not teach at all. Auggghhh I feel like any dealings I have with this couple leaves me with the short end of the stick. Someone tell me how to grow a backbone and stand up for what I want or don't want to do!

This has just been another one of those days, and now I am waiting for a gaggle of 6 of Akinori's girlfriends to show up here for dinner. Why, you ask? I would like to know why too! I know two of the girls coming tonight, and like them both a lot, but I have no idea who the other four are. Apparently they are bringing over all of the ingredients and cooking the dinner, we are just providing the location. We invited this one girl over to our place when we first moved, but there was never a good time, and since that was now 6 months ago, somehow her coming over for dinner has snowballed into this huge event, on a Thursday of all nights. Seriously! Why? Knowing my recent mood, Akinori wanted to cancel but felt too guilty since we've canceled on her the last 3 times we tried to get together, and I told him as long as I don't have to lift a finger I could really care less. It's not exactly as if I've felt like cooking lately anyway. The last 3 nights we either ate food from the conbini or hokka ben, so as long as they take care of the cooking and clean up, they're really doing me a favor. I just don't necessarily feel like putting on my friendly hostess with the mostess face, but I will try.

At least tomorrow I have something I am truly looking forward to! I'm going to lunch at a friend's house, and I haven't seen her for several months. She lives about 10 minutes away by car, and yet we rarely see each other. She has 3 kids though who are all much older than Sara, so I'd feel bad calling her all the time to hang out. But she has also invited another foreign wife with 2 young kids who lives in the next town, so it will be nice to meet her, and hopefully make another friend!

All in all, I'm feeling better about the events of earlier this week. Not great, but better. More embarrassed and stupid than anything else I think. Though every time I think about trying again and being disappointed again a month from now, I want to cry, but we will try because like the lottery, you can't win if you don't buy a ticket. I even went out and bought a fancy basal thermometer to aid in our attempts. Let's hope it helps!

Spoke too soon

Last night I started to feel quite crampy, not painful cramps, but just cramps you don't want if you think you are pregnant, and this morning I had a gotta poop type cramps. So I did, and there was lots of blood (TMI? sorry) and I couldn't tell which type of blood it was, and with the faint lines from the previous few days I was really confused so I called the hospital and they told me to come in.

I had a urine test there, and it was negative for pregnancy, but then the Dr. called me and said that he couldn't say with 100% that it was negative because it looked like there was a faint positive line to him. So I am either 1. not pregnant, and never was. 2. Was pregnant, but have now miscarried. 3. In fact pregnant, but it is still too early to tell. The doctor did an internal exam and there was no little yolk sac. In fact he said it looked the the uterus does at the onset of one's period. Makes sense if this is my period, but he refused to say for sure that it was or wasn't or that I had miscarried or not, or anything really. He just said wait another week, do another HPT, and if it's positive then, then come back in. Wonderful!

So I am assuming I am not pregnant because this is just a little too much of a whirlwind for me to continue hoping that I am, and then be completely disappointed when I find out I'm not in a week. Of course I will still do the HPT in a week, just to see what happens, but for now I'm not getting my hopes up, and I am now in a right shit mood, and Sara is being an absolute monster this morning. I know she can't help it. She's 1 and doesn't understand why all of the stuff she wants to touch is dangerous and bad, but I could do without the tantrums and tears every 10 minutes, and the maniacal laughing every 5 minutes in between, when she thinks she's getting away with something. Maybe my kid is bipolar, or maybe she NEEDS A NAP!

Anyway, I am feeling like the biggest idiot in the world for being so convinced I was pregnant with just a faint line. Next time I'm adopting Akinori's stance, and I'm definitely waiting a full week after my period is due before I do any HPTs, as difficult as that may be. The crappiest part is that if this is my period, and just a regular period, not an early miscarriage or anything, I now have no idea what my cycle is. It's sort of all over the place. I guess that means we'll just have to have a lot more sex this month. I suppose that should be the silver lining on this cloud over my head, but right now even the thought of lots of sex can't put a smile on my face.

I'm going off to wallow in my misery. Later folks.