The Next Step

AF showing up last week was a lot tougher to handle than it has been the last few months. I was stupid for getting so excited so early, but I'm not usually as late as I was, and there was definitely a bit of a line within the prescribed time, so I got myself all excited over nothing. I was also excited at the thought that my SIL and I might be pregnant at the same time and have babies within a week or two of each other. The news that my SIL is pregnant was really a mixed bag of emotions for me. Don't get me wrong. I don't begrudge her her pregnancy, or have any bad feelings or ill will toward her, nor was it at all difficult for me to be around her during Golden Week. In fact, if anything I found comfort in being around her and talking to her. She's been trying to get pregnant for about a year now (and this is with her 3rd), so she knows exactly how frustrated I am, and the fact that she is pregnant gives me hope that I soon will be too.

Akinori has been great through all of this, and really supportive. Of course he is happy that he still gets an abundance of guaranteed sex this month, but I felt bad for getting his hopes up last month. He was all excited and talking about names and whatnot, but when I apologized for getting his hopes up he was totally supportive and understanding and not at all like, "I told you we shouldn't get so excited too soon", which I thought he might be. Anyway, I have promised myself that no matter what happens, I am not peeing on any sticks before my period is officially late this month. I have a feeling this month might be difficult for us to get pregnant though as my temps are all over the place, and considering I was not expecting my period to show up so late, I really am not sure how long my cycle is at this point. I guess being a few days longer or shorter is fairly normal, but then how in the world do you know when to expect AF or ovulation exactly?

Anyway, I've decided I want to go to the dr. anyway, just to get checked out and make sure there is nothing physically wrong with me that is keeping me from getting pregnant. I'm going to be 35(!!) in less than two weeks, and that thought has me kind of worried about the state of my uterus and what-not. I know you're probably thinking I'm worrying over nothing, and we've only been trying for 4 months, and we still have time. I know all that, but I just think I need the peace of mind that comes with a doctor actually saying "You and your eggs are perfectly healthy. Go off and procreate!" So I've decided Wednesday is the day. I have to teach in the afternoon, so SIL has agreed to watch Sara from the time I go to the Dr. until my lesson finishes. Bless her!

So on to more interesting topics. During Golden Week I went to Nagoya for a full day of belly dance workshops with 3 Egyptian choreographers and dancers. WOW! They were awe-inspiring. 2 men and 1 woman. The woman is the next big up and coming dancer in Egypt, so it was really exciting to get to meet her in person and learn her signature choreography and just to watch her move was worth paying for.

But wow, such an incredibly humbling experience. I've never been particularly good at picking up choreography. Normally when you're taking lessons, you have months to learn one choreography from start to finish, and believe me I need months. 3 hours for one 5-7 minute choreography just about shorts out my brain, so I was definitely feeling like an ass when all these women around me are dancing the choreography perfectly by the end of the 3 hours, considering we've gone over it about 783 times at that point, and I'm still stumbling through not able to take my eyes off the person in front of me. Not that everyone was dancing it perfectly, but I was the only non-Japanese person there, aside from the instructors, so I kinda stood out just a little bit. I'm still having visions of them sitting around their hotel room going "man, that whitey girl was the worst one of the group".

I was only able to do the first hour of the last workshop. I forgot to bring my dance shoes, and by the middle of the first workshop I started getting blisters on the bottoms of both my feet. By the middle of the second workshop (this is somewhere in the 4th or 5th hour of dancing barefoot) the blisters popped. After the 7th hour I could barely walk, let alone dance, and my feet were hurting so badly that whatever little choreography remembering skills I might have tucked away somewhere in my brain were completely overtaken by the pain part of my brain. So I had to sit out the last two hours and just watch. I was seriously disappointed, because it was a style of dance that I really want to learn. But I took a video of the dance on my phone, so that will have to be good enough I guess. My feet however were much worse for wear, so much so that I ended up going to the hospital when I got back to Nagano the next evening.

My feet had swollen up to the point where I couldn't move my big toes and it was incredibly painful to wear shoes, so I thought some bacteria had gotten into the popped blisters, cause let me tell you, the blisters were HUGE. But the doctor said, nope, just big blisters causing my feet to swell. They put some (big-ass) band-aids on my feet, and sent me home. Since then though, I have slowly been falling apart. My right hip and knee have gone funny and I can't sit on the floor with my legs crossed now. Very painful. Not sure how I'm going to teach a lesson tomorrow night without hurting some other part of my body or making what is already bad, worse, but I will have to manage somehow because I need the income!

I plan on going to Tokyo later this month for another workshop with the father of modern belly dance. Very super excited about that. Then next month I'm going to a workshop in Osaka with a major belly dance star in Egypt. Pretty excited about that one too. Then I'm going back to Osaka like 3 weeks later at the beginning of July for a friend's wedding, and I just got a phone call today from another friend in Osaka inviting me to their wedding at the end of July. Have yet to decide if I'll be going to that one yet. T was more of a "friend with benefits" in my swinging single days, and Akinori knows all about him and our history. In fact when he called today, I hung up the phone and Akinori was like, "That was T, wasn't it?" Mind you, I haven't spoken to T since before Sara was born I don't think, so how on earth Akinori figured that out is well beyond me, but sometimes it scares me how well he knows me. I mean really scares me. But I digress. The point is there is a lot of travel and expenditure in my near future that I need to pay for somehow, and I can't let some monster blisters or a few wonky joints get in my way.

Okay, that's a week worth of blogging right there I think. Gotta get some work done before we conduct the opening ceremonies of baby-making week in the Kaneta household.

The wait is over

and I'm not pregnant. That's all for now.

Time to sit back and just wait

Did another HPT this morning with fmu and got the exact same results as yesterday. No darker, no lighter. I watched the damn thing for the entire 10 minutes after I peed on it. It looks exactly like the one in yesterday's photo. But my temp is way down this morning. Seeing that makes it hard to remain hopeful. You're supposed to wait until you're a week late for reason I suppose. Anyway, too tired of the hoping/guessing. Got to give myself a reality check and just wait a little longer without getting my hopes up. Thanks for all the support folks.

You be the judge

I got the pink kind this time. Was gonna wait until tomorrow morning since I already did one this morning, but we all know how good I am at waiting. See the line on the left? Or is it just me? Do the pink ones not get evaporation lines at all? Or just not as obviously? Anyway, what do you think?

Another brief update (maybe TMI - be warned)

If AF is coming, she's probably making her appearance today, but my temps are still way up. I would be very surprised if she did show up. Also, she usually shows up first thing in the morning with a BM. I did have a BM, which I was totally scared to do for fear she would show up, but she didn't. Took another HPT, and the same result, only a very faint, possibly not even there, line. I am seriously going nuts at this point. I've been charting using Fertility Friend.com though, and according to my chart, FF thinks that I may have implanted 12 DPO (days post ovulation). That would account for the negative/faint HPTs until now. BUT there all these studies that show that implanting after 10dpo leaves you with a really high chance of miscarriage. Ok, I guess I'm still waiting. Hopefully I'll have some kind of (happy) update soon!

Nada

No AF and no conclusive HPT. Still waiting. Maybe tomorrow I'll have an answer.
In other news, yesterday Akinori's sister announced that she is pregnant again. I'd love to expand on how I am feeling about all this at the moment, but I have a 5p.m. deadline, and it's 2p.m. Gotta prioritize.

Continued

So my temperature was still way up this morning, so I did an HPT first thing and the line did not show up nearly as quickly as it did yesterday, and now I'm convinced that what I'm seeing is an evaporation line. The temperature thing is a bit confusing, but AF's not really due until tomorrow or the day after anyway, so I guess there's nothing to do but wait at this point, and try not to spend what little savings we have left on HPTs.

Fingers are still crossed, but spirits are way down. I was sure this was the month. Damn!

Butterflies in my stomach and ants in my pants

I know I shouldn't be blogging right now. I should be working. And I definitely shouldn't be blogging about this, but dammit, I'm going nuts and Akinori is being all level-headed and adult, so I have to do something to release this energy!

So after a truly wonderfully lovely day with lovely wonderful friends and their lovely wonderful children, we did a little shopping. We went to Toys R Us and got Sara a little chair that farts for you when you sit down on it because she will actually sit in one of those chairs for an extended amount of time, and we are desperately trying to teach her to sit down and eat. Lots of pacing and trying to stuff food in mouth as child passes, going on in our house. We also bought her her first baby doll. She's got lots of stuffed animals, but no dolls. Today she had the opportunity to play with one (thank you Amy!), and seemed to really like it, and Akinori noticed her playing with the doll's hair. The hope is that she will fall asleep while holding the doll and playing with her hair, instead of mine. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up in the middle of the night because my hair is being pulled. It's not a pleasant feeling. I'm desperately hoping this doll will replace me as her lovey.

After our little shopping spree Akinori asked if there was any other shopping we needed to do, and I spit out that I wanted to get some HPTs. The one I did yesterday was an internet strip. I wanted some real HPTs that I can trust. I know I should just wait until my period is late, but seriously, who can wait? I mean really? Who has the patience? Maybe there are people out there who can. Not me. Honestly, I probably could've waited if it weren't for the fact that my temps the fast several days have been very consistent. Usually, although they are all over my post ovulation cover line, they are a bit up and down and kind of all over the place. This time not so. Bit up and down the first few days, and then the last several they have all been 36.8-something. I couldn't help getting excited.

Bought the HPTs, brought them back home, and decided to wait until tomorrow morning to do one. Took a nap with Sara, woke up, had to pee, decided I couldn't wait and peed on a stick. Result - possibly positive. It's very faint, but I made sure to buy the same kind I bought last time, and the result is definitely visible this time. Obviously going to do another one tomorrow, if I can wait that long. Fingers and toes crossed that this is the real deal. Like I said, Akinori is being all level-headed and "I'm not getting excited until I see a dark line." But when I was pregnant with Sara he was the same. I knew 3 days after my period was late, and he was like, "Let's just wait to take a test." Funny, I was actually able to wait for my period to be late a whole week before I took a test that time. Probably because we weren't actually trying to get pregnant then. We were just not trying to not get pregnant anymore. Anyway, I'm all fluttery in my stomach and my nose itches, which is what happens when I get excited.

Okay, gotta get Sara in her bath now, but you may be hearing from me again if I feel the need to unload some of my excitement again.

Edit: I couldn't wait, and tried using an OPK as an HPT because I read on the all-knowing internet that you could do that. Well, either the OPKs I have are shit, or I'm not pregnant. I'm hoping for shitty OPKs. I hate this time of the month. Really, really, really, really hate it!

Hello again

I haven't felt like blogging for awhile. Nothing really to blog about I guess. More likely the fact that I have had a ton of work the last several weeks, so if I'm on the computer I feel like I should be working, not blogging. Although that hasn't kept me from checking Facebook, or other people's blogs. So I guess the real answer would be laziness, and nothing to blog about. It's still cold, and I'm tired of complaining about the weather. Plus, it's cold everywhere. We are no long special in Nagano. Now we're normal. I'm kind of happy about that. Because it would sure suck a lot more if it were only cold in Nagano and not everywhere else in Japan too.

One more reason I haven't felt like blogging is the whole trying to get pregnant thing. I'm tired of blogging about that too, but it's on my mind ALL the time, and part of me wants my next post to be telling the world about how I am with child. Alas, that does not seem to be the case yet. AF is due in a couple of days, and I did an HPT today with a negative result, so hopes are not very high. I even had a dream, just before I woke up, that I got my period several days early and I was crying because I wanted to be pregnant. Not a good sign. Though I have had dreams the last few months just before getting AF, about doing HPTs with positive results. So really, it doesn't seem that my dreams are a very reliable source of information.

I was actually going to wait and do the HPT until after AF was due this time, but today is Akinori's birthday, so I thought it would be a nice birthday present if the HPT was positive. Well it was a nice idea anyway. His actual present, or so I have told him, will be an iPad when they finally come to Japan. It will also be his Father's day present, Anniversary present and Christmas present, for the next 10 years possibly. Not going to get into the money situation right now because it will only depress me, but trust me if I did, it would depress you too.

His mom gave him 10,000 yen, and told us to have a nice meal with it. Taking Sara out for a nice meal is a miracle waiting to happen, and Akinori wanted to be able to relax while we ate, so we ordered up a shitload of Domino's. Like an honest-to-goodness shitload. Large pizza, pasta breadbowl thingy (which we didn't even touch and are leaving it for breakfast tomorrow. I know, we pride ourselves on our good nutrition.) chicken, fried potatoes. The works. Akinori got to keep the change. Happy birthday honey!

I went and got Akinori a cake today too (which we didn't eat because we were so full from all the pizza and crap), but when Sara and I came out of the cake shop, I was holding her hand and we walked to the car, instead of me carrying her. We got to the car and I let go of her hand for all of two seconds while I put the cake in the car, and I turn around and she was gone. I turn around further to find that she has run out of the parking lot and INTO THE STREET!!! My god, I still get heart palpitations every time I think about it. I ran after her, and she thought it was funny and started running herself and laughing while looking back at me, not at the oncoming traffic, not that she knows the difference anyway. That some big huge car could actually run her over and kill her. Luckily she didn't run into the middle of the street and stayed close to the curb, and it's not a very busy street.

After I grabbed her though and got her in her car seat, I was shaking all over. I couldn't stop, and then the tears started. The waterworks started again when Akinori got home and I told him what happened. I can't even watch a TV show about something horrible happening to a child without crying buckets and grabbing Sara close for a cuddle, and here I am, letting go of her hand in a parking lot. How incredibly stupid am I? I have definitely learned my lesson though. If there is a god, I hope that was her way of teaching me a lesson, and no other horrible tragedy is going to fall upon my baby. I don't know what I would do. I feel awful though. I must have apologized to Sara a million times in the car, and she just looked back at me and laughed like I was crying because I lost a game we were playing. All I could think was "I'm one of those parents that I always look down on because they don't watch their children properly, and now that's what everyone is thinking about me." Seriously, being a parent has made me feel more dumb than I have ever felt in my life.

So that is what you have been missing out on folks. I've got to get to bed now or I'm going to be a wreck for the lovely day we have planned tomorrow that was supposed to be a BBQ with friends, and is now lunch at a Thai restaurant due to crappy cold weather. Goodnight bloggy world!

Into the light

Just want to thank everyone for their hugs and positive vibes in your comments on my last post. It took a little while, but I am feeling much, much better. Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar, but I am pretty sure that nearly everyone has these feelings from time to time. I mean that's life, right? Ups and downs. If there were no downs, there would be no ups. It's all about balance, and I am finally feeling some of that, so all is good right now.

Of course the weather is a super huge major factor. The absolutely gorgeous weather we have had most of the week, and especially today has done wonders for my mood! I just hope it stays this beautiful! I'm also finally finished with the pain-in-the-ass project, and that is a huge weight off my mind. I have another big proofreading project lined up, worth semi-big bucks, so I am happy to have a steady stream of work at the moment. The new project was supposed to start this past Thursday, but the prior project went on longer than expected so the new project was put off until Monday. I was pretty happy when I found out since I knew if I had the work in front of me, I wouldn't really be able to relax over the weekend, and just the thought of that gave me little stress shivers. I really wanted to relax for just a bit, especially since Akinori has both Saturday and Sunday off for the first time in ages this weekend.

Today we went to the zoo with some friends of ours. They have a little girl just 2 months older than Sara, and the girls get along really well. They even hugged when we said goodbye today, and Sara cried when we finally pried them apart. Kind of surprising to see that kind of attachment to anyone other than myself or Akinori, but very heartwarming, and so so cute! I'll have to post some photos when I've got more time. After the zoo, we all went to lunch/dinner at my favorite hamburger joint, and Sara slept practically the entire time we were in the restaurant which meant Akinori and I could actually enjoy our meals. It was sooooo nice!

On the way home we drove past the park behind our house to check out hanami prospects. The cherry blossoms are just now starting to bloom so things look good for the BBQ we are planning on having in the park next weekend. There are all kinds of yatai out already though so we decided that's where we'll have dinner when the weather is nice enough to go for a walk in the evenings this week. Means I don't have to cook, and no conbini food! Win-win! (Not that yatai food is even remotely healthy, but that's not really the point here. Besides we're going to walk to the park and back which should make up for the unhealthiness of what we eat, right?)

No real plans for tomorrow which is dangerous. It means there is a good possibility we will sit around in our pajamas until 3p.m. when we finally decide to get out of the house. But since I woke up at the crack of dawn with Sara this morning, and Akinori got another hour of peaceful sleep, he has agreed to wake up with Sara tomorrow and let me sleep in. Just the thought of that makes me smile. He is also going to cook dinner tomorrow - my belated white day present. I told him before I didn't want him to buy me anything. I would much prefer a few hours to myself, or to not have to cook dinner, or to sleep in, than anything he could possibly buy for me. He had planned on making paella on White Day, but I think we were both exhausted after a day of shopping, and the paella got postponed. So last night he announced, without any prompting from me, that he would cook Sunday night's dinner. Yeah! Another reason to be in a good mood.

Sara has finally nodded off so I am off to pop some popcorn and some cans of beer open, and watch a movie with my darling hub (he's obviously in my good book this week). I hope everyone else is enjoying this gloriously beautiful weekend too!