Might as well

I am supposed to be working on a short (but incredibly boring, though aren't they all?) translation project, and I'm not getting very far with it as I keep turning back to Facebook or my e-mail every time I have to use the online dictionary, so I figured I may as well post.

Thanks for all of the validating comments on my last post. It's over a week later and there is still absolutely no line whatsoever on the last test, a very faint line on the 2nd test, and a definite line on the 1st, so I'm pretty sure it was a chemical pregnancy, not that it even matters anymore. It was what it was, and it's time to move on and try again. We are now in "子作り週間” (baby-making week) as Akinori calls it, which last night he told me is his favorite week of the month. No surprise there I guess. Please keep your fingers, toes and t's crossed for us. Thanks in advance!

The dance studio couple called me again on Wednesday to ask if I could come in for another fucking meeting about the trial lesson I'm doing on Sunday. I don't know how many of these ridiculous meetings we need to have before I finally do this trial lesson and we get things moving. I guess they had complaints from prospective students that 2000 yen a lesson was too expensive. I told them there was no way they should charge any cheaper considering 2000 yen for an 80 minute lesson was already cheap as, and no decent belly dance class charges any less, ANYWHERE! I'm sure you could find cheaper at some kominkan somewhere, where some woman who has taken lessons for a year up and decides she's ready to teach and gathers some other women who have no idea what the difference is between belly dance and hula, and only charges them 500 yen or some nonsense. But no respectable belly dance teacher is going to accept any less than what I charge.

Anyway, I finally convinced them not to change the price, and they finally agreed to a 60-40 arrangement for payment. Thank goodness! I really was not looking forward to fighting with them about money forever and ever. AND I was able to back out of the English teaching deal too. I just told them that I really have no interest in teaching English, which therefore means I really would not be a good teacher, and I'm sure there are tons of better teachers out there who are genuinely interested in teaching and would love to teach their son (though I can't guarantee they'll do it in return for ballroom dance lessons). The father/husband is such a stubborn, fruitloop he basically dismissed everything I said and said, "Well the biggest problem is that you have a young child. That makes everything difficult." I'm sure if I was really interested in teaching his son, I would figure out a way to do it even though I have a small child. But I wasn't about to go over it with him again, and he was finally taking no for an answer so I left it. Let him think what he wants about me not teaching English to his son, just as long as I don't have to do it.

Unfortunately that's not the end of my belly dance drama this week. A Japanese friend of mine passed out my flyers at her mommy/baby English conversation group, and the leader of the group decided that once a month I should come and teach belly dance in English. At first she asked if I would do it for 500 yen/person, as she taught them all English for free (she's Japanese btw). I told her I couldn't do it for any less than 1000 yen/person, and that is my super-best-friend-thank-you-for-the-introduction rate. So she agreed and I went to the lesson for the first time this past Monday.

My friend couldn't go to the lesson because her younger son developed an ear infection, but when I got there, the leader of the group seemed to be the only one actually interested in the lesson. The other moms were just kind of going along with it. One mom couldn't even participate since her daughter refused to let go of her. When she tried to pay me at the end I refused to take her money. It's one thing if people WANT to take a lesson, it's another if they are being forced to, and that's what I felt like was going on. So my friend e-mailed me later in the day to find out how the lesson went and I told her I didn't think anyone was really into it besides the leader. She wrote back saying that I was right in thinking that the leader was really the one who wants to take lessons, and she just decided without really asking anyone, that once a month they were going to do belly dance. So we have plans to meet up and talk about this later next week.

This whole situation bugs me for a number of reasons though. The leader knows I have a mommy/baby class on Thursdays that she can bring her daughter to. She also knows that I charge 2000 yen for that class. So in bringing me to her little English group, she gets lessons at half price. Plus she promised me there would be at least 10 women at the group, which is part of the reason I agreed to 1000 yen/person, and there were only 5, 1 of whom my conscience wouldn't let me take money from. Plus I don't want to be put in the middle of some teacher/student impending mutiny thing. (Big sigh) why do things have to be so complicated?

Alright, guess I really should get some more translating done before going to bed. Have a great weekend everyone! I'll leave you with a gratuitous photo of my belly dance flyer that Akinori designed for me (only took him 64 years to finish!).

Validate me!

So seeing as my period was due one week ago today, I decided today would be just as good as Sunday to try the HPT again to make sure I am, in fact, not pregnant. Did not get even a faint hint of a line, so I think it's safe to say that I'm not. Although I checked the test again this evening because I wanted to compare what it looked like to the other two tests after some time had passed. Reading up on the internet, it says you shouldn't consider faint lines that appear after the prescribed amount of time to be positive indicators because the test becomes more sensitive as time goes on and will start to respond to trace levels of HCG that can be found in both male and females. Anyway, the first test definitely had more than just a faint line. The second test was quite faint, but still darker than today's result, which was nothing, even after a full day of sitting out.

The first test I took is on the bottom, the middle was the 2nd, and today's test is on top. The lines look much fainter in the photo, but even in the photo you can see the line in the bottom test, right? I should have known when I got a fainter line the next day that something was wrong, but there is really nothing I could have done, is there. I think I just need for someone else to see the tests and agree with me that the first was definitely positive enough to allow me to reasonably believe that I was pregnant.

I am trying to look at the positives.
- All of our attempts last month, were not in vain. We did in fact fertilize an egg, so my timing was not off.
- It is believed that chemical pregnancies tend to happen because of chromosonal abnormalities in the fertilized egg so if the egg had matured the baby would have most definitely had certain health problems, and it is definitely easier to raise a child without significant health problems.
- Miscarrying sucks whenever it happens, but the sooner it happens, the less time it takes for my body to recover, so we can start trying again this month.
- Miscarrying so soon means I didn't have a chance to become truly emotionally attached to my baby. I think miscarrying, even a week later, let alone a month later would have been much more traumatic.
- Because chemical pregnancies usually go undetected, it doesn't technically count as a miscarriage on any medical history.

Anyway, on to happier stuff. Last night's dinner party was actually quite fun. We had tomato nabe, and Akinori was really, really good about making sure I didn't have to do anything for it. Akinori promised to do the clean up in the morning before he went to work, which he didn't, but I just left it, and he did it when he got home. Luckily only 4 girls showed up, instead of 6 because there was no way another 2 adults would have fit in our tiny kitchen. The girls didn't leave until after midnight, so I couldn't get Sara to sleep until after 1 which I wasn't too happy about. But she slept until 10:30, so at least that was good. The tomato nabe so totally yummy and there was enough ingredients left over for me to cut them up and throw them in the nabe again tonight, so dinner tonight was easy-peasy, just the way I like it. I bet you'll never guess what we're having for dinner tomorrow night...

Lunch today was great!　My friend C is American, and has been living in Nagano for 19 years, or something crazy like that. Her husband made us all the most delicious pasta and ratatouille with homemade cheese for lunch. I don't know where she found a husband who not only likes to cook, but is amazingly good at it, but I would like to trade mine in for one of those models please. The other woman C invited to lunch is English and has two super sweet girls who are 4 and 2. Our 3 kids had a great time making a huge mess of C's house, and then C's 3 kids came home from school and the fun was doubled. We didn't leave until just after 6 or so and we got there around noon, which to me is an undeniable sign of a truly fabulous day. I talked so much my throat hurt when I got home! We have decided that we have to have a girl's night out sometime soon, so I am really looking forward to leaving Sara at home with her daddy and having some ME time with friends. In fact it is just so nice to have such nice, normal people that I actually would like to be friends with, who live relatively close to me, and not feel like I am trapped in some skewed relationship with a psycho stalker woman.

Sara and I have gomi toban in the morning so I really need to be getting off to bed! Gomi toban is serious rubbish in every sense of the word, if you ask me, especially on the coldest morning of the year when it is supposed to me -7 out and snowing! I have a 1 year-old baby for christ's sake. Aren't I allowed to switch with someone else for a warmer month at least? Will have to ask Akinori to look into this further. Goodnight!

Feeling better? Not sure...

Thanks for your comments everyone. I really, really appreciated them. For some reason the internet inexplicably disappeared after my last post, and then reappeared this morning so I couldn't post or reply to anything until now. Why mechanical items think they are allowed to develop minds of their own, I have no idea, but I'm glad the internet is back because I sure as hell missed it. Another newly discovered addiction I guess.

I canceled my Tuesday night belly dance class, and I canceled my class this afternoon too. Tuesday I was just way too out of sorts to handle teaching a 90 minute class, and today, besides the fact that all but one of my students canceled, it is just too damn cold outside. I have no motivation to do anything that requires me to leave my living room, on top of feeling a bit emotionally zapped at the moment. I feel like shit for canceling the classes, and I so need the money, but I just couldn't handle it today. If winter doesn't end soon, I don't know if I will ever be able to handle it again. I've said it before, and I'm going to say it again, probably another 7 million times before winter is over, I fucking HATE winter!! The cold weather is doing absolutely nothing to improve my mood either.

I couldn't avoid going out at all today though. I had a meeting at the dance studio where I'm going to start teaching a regular belly dance class next month. So frickin' frustrating! This older couple owns a dance studio where they teach mostly ballroom and latin, but they want to start a belly dance class. So far we've pretty much avoided talking about payment, but obviously we have to talk about it sometime. I'm doing a trial lesson on Feb 14, and I've agreed to that for free, which I think is extremely generous! The husband then offered me 500 per student per lesson after that. WTF? If one student shows up, I get 500 yen? I don't think so! That won't even pay for parking! Even if two students show up, 1000 yen? I think not.

From this week I'm teaching another class that only meets once a month, but they wanted to give me 500 yen per student, and I said no, it has to be at least 1000 yen AND there are at least 10 students in that class. So the owner of the studio said that this would be weekly, not monthly, and I understand that, but I want at least 5000 yen per lesson, and even that is really super cheap. Ridiculously cheap, but I'm willing to do it. Hell, they pay for a flamenco teacher to come from Nagoya once a week and teach, and I'm sure she charges more than 500 yer per student. So the money talks have been put off once again.

Before I left though the guy tried to get a free English lesson off of me, which really pissed me off. They want me to teach their 16 year old son English. Their son wants me to teach him English too, but I really don't want to teach English. There are so many JETs and other English teachers in this city, why do they have to harass the only native English speaker in the city who has absolutely no interest in teaching, for lessons? Not only that, they asked before how much private lessons cost, and I told them I thought the average these days was about 2500 - 3000 yen an hour? (Am I about right here? Someone tell me if I'm way off.) So I sort of entertained the thought of teaching him. He wants to learn, which makes all the difference in the world when teaching (although I am still not keen on the idea), but it is some extra pocket money that I can really use. Anyway, today the wife tells me that he wants to know if he can trade English lessons for dance lessons (the son teaches ballroom and latin dance too). I am really not so interested in taking ballroom dance lessons. I mean I'm not all that uninterested, but I would much, much rather have the cash. I mean I would much rather not teach at all. Auggghhh I feel like any dealings I have with this couple leaves me with the short end of the stick. Someone tell me how to grow a backbone and stand up for what I want or don't want to do!

This has just been another one of those days, and now I am waiting for a gaggle of 6 of Akinori's girlfriends to show up here for dinner. Why, you ask? I would like to know why too! I know two of the girls coming tonight, and like them both a lot, but I have no idea who the other four are. Apparently they are bringing over all of the ingredients and cooking the dinner, we are just providing the location. We invited this one girl over to our place when we first moved, but there was never a good time, and since that was now 6 months ago, somehow her coming over for dinner has snowballed into this huge event, on a Thursday of all nights. Seriously! Why? Knowing my recent mood, Akinori wanted to cancel but felt too guilty since we've canceled on her the last 3 times we tried to get together, and I told him as long as I don't have to lift a finger I could really care less. It's not exactly as if I've felt like cooking lately anyway. The last 3 nights we either ate food from the conbini or hokka ben, so as long as they take care of the cooking and clean up, they're really doing me a favor. I just don't necessarily feel like putting on my friendly hostess with the mostess face, but I will try.

At least tomorrow I have something I am truly looking forward to! I'm going to lunch at a friend's house, and I haven't seen her for several months. She lives about 10 minutes away by car, and yet we rarely see each other. She has 3 kids though who are all much older than Sara, so I'd feel bad calling her all the time to hang out. But she has also invited another foreign wife with 2 young kids who lives in the next town, so it will be nice to meet her, and hopefully make another friend!

All in all, I'm feeling better about the events of earlier this week. Not great, but better. More embarrassed and stupid than anything else I think. Though every time I think about trying again and being disappointed again a month from now, I want to cry, but we will try because like the lottery, you can't win if you don't buy a ticket. I even went out and bought a fancy basal thermometer to aid in our attempts. Let's hope it helps!

Spoke too soon

Last night I started to feel quite crampy, not painful cramps, but just cramps you don't want if you think you are pregnant, and this morning I had a gotta poop type cramps. So I did, and there was lots of blood (TMI? sorry) and I couldn't tell which type of blood it was, and with the faint lines from the previous few days I was really confused so I called the hospital and they told me to come in.

I had a urine test there, and it was negative for pregnancy, but then the Dr. called me and said that he couldn't say with 100% that it was negative because it looked like there was a faint positive line to him. So I am either 1. not pregnant, and never was. 2. Was pregnant, but have now miscarried. 3. In fact pregnant, but it is still too early to tell. The doctor did an internal exam and there was no little yolk sac. In fact he said it looked the the uterus does at the onset of one's period. Makes sense if this is my period, but he refused to say for sure that it was or wasn't or that I had miscarried or not, or anything really. He just said wait another week, do another HPT, and if it's positive then, then come back in. Wonderful!

So I am assuming I am not pregnant because this is just a little too much of a whirlwind for me to continue hoping that I am, and then be completely disappointed when I find out I'm not in a week. Of course I will still do the HPT in a week, just to see what happens, but for now I'm not getting my hopes up, and I am now in a right shit mood, and Sara is being an absolute monster this morning. I know she can't help it. She's 1 and doesn't understand why all of the stuff she wants to touch is dangerous and bad, but I could do without the tantrums and tears every 10 minutes, and the maniacal laughing every 5 minutes in between, when she thinks she's getting away with something. Maybe my kid is bipolar, or maybe she NEEDS A NAP!

Anyway, I am feeling like the biggest idiot in the world for being so convinced I was pregnant with just a faint line. Next time I'm adopting Akinori's stance, and I'm definitely waiting a full week after my period is due before I do any HPTs, as difficult as that may be. The crappiest part is that if this is my period, and just a regular period, not an early miscarriage or anything, I now have no idea what my cycle is. It's sort of all over the place. I guess that means we'll just have to have a lot more sex this month. I suppose that should be the silver lining on this cloud over my head, but right now even the thought of lots of sex can't put a smile on my face.

I'm going off to wallow in my misery. Later folks.

A B+ for the weekend

I can't believe the weekend was here and gone already. It went by so quickly! And so will the next 8 weeks or so hopefully, because (drumroll) we got a faint line on the HPT I took yesterday!! I took another one this morning and still only a faint line, but my period was due Friday-ish depending on how long my cycle is, which I'm not exactly sure of, so it could have been due anywhere from Friday to yesterday (Sunday) and it didn't come!!! Yippeeeeee!!! I'm going to wait another couple of days before doing a test again, but I can't wait to go to the Dr. and see my little yolk sac on the big screen!

Getting past the first trimester is pretty nerve wracking though. I don't know how it is in the States since I've never been pregnant there, but in Japan people are so worried about you making any kind of false move that could cause a miscarriage before you're 12 weeks along. In my understanding, exercise or lifting, or any normal activity is not what causes miscarriages, but I'm no expert. When I got pregnant with Sara, the doctor told me at my very first appointment when I was 5 weeks and 2 days along, "Congratulations! Now continue living life and doing everything exactly as you have been." That's why I loved my doctor in Osaka. She was awesome. Although the clinic where I gave birth to Sara was awesome, I want to try giving birth at a midwifery near here this time. Hopefully they'll have the same attitude as my doctor in Osaka did.

It was really nice to have Sarah and Sakura (and in the end, Ryohei) here with us to share in our happy news. Sarah and Sakura arrived Friday afternoon and we hung out here and ordered a pizza for dinner and watched a movie, and Sara and Sakura played together, which was soooooo cute. I've never seen Sara be so gentle with another child before, but she seemed to understand that Sakura was littler than she was and she kept patting her head and cuddling her and being very big sister-like and cute. Up until now she's mostly played with children very close to her age or older, so there's much more rough and tumble going on. It was actually quite a relief to see her behaving so well with a baby smaller than she is. She's going to be a very good big sister I think (hope).

On Saturday we went for a short walk around Zenkoji temple (the big tourist attraction around here, which happens to be 3 minutes from our house), and then I wanted to provide Sarah with a pseudo-Mexican lunch, but wouldn't you know it, the one and only Mexican restaurant in Nagano is only open for lunch Sunday through Thursday! WTF is that all about? So I took her to a very nice Italian restaurant that we often go to in the next town over. Then we went grocery shopping and I made tacos for dinner. At least I was able to provide her with somewhat of a Mexican fix.

Sarah went to bed early as Sakura was up really early that morning. It was early the next morning that the weekend went from being an A+ to a B+. Around 5:30, Akinori and I both woke up with a start from the distinct sound of wretching and crying. The first sound was from poor Sarah, and the second from poor Sakura. Don't want to go into too much detail, but Sarah was not in a good place! She was meant to meet up with Ryohei on the way home Monday morning, but she got in touch with him, and he came to Nagano on Sunday night to help look after Sakura. Sarah's temperature started to go up in the afternoon/evening, and the 3 of us (Ryohei, Akinori and myself) sort of insisted that Sarah go to the hospital and hopefully get a drip. So I took Sara to the hospital and we left the boys to take care of the girls. It would have been awesome if Sarah was healthy and the two of us got to go for a GNO, but unfortunately our little trip wasn't much fun.

The hospital didn't give Sarah a drip, nor a proper diagnosis as it was Sunday night and they were seeing her during emergency hours, but Akinori went to the pharmacy earlier that day (to pick up more HPTs) and when he described Sarah's symptoms to the chemist, two of them right away said "without a doubt Noro virus". Akinori's mother is a chemist too, and she said the same thing. Anyway, the Dr. gave Sarah some meds and we came back to our place, and ordered more pizza. (Poor Sarah had to have o-kayu. It's really no fun being sick.) Ryohei was really good with Sakura though, and even managed to get her to sleep while we were gone! Sakura was obviously thrilled to see him too. She gave him a HUGE smile when he came in the house.

I took the K family to the station this morning before my mommy/baby yoga class. After yoga Sara and I went shopping to stock up on baby food, and she slept most of the time we were in the car and store. Once we got home, I think the excitement of the weekend caught up with both of us and we had a nice looooong nap. I woke up around 4 and Sara woke up at 5.

Well I guess it's back to our boring every day routine of braving the cold and thinking up ways to avoid Mrs. X. Speaking of which, I plan on using the whole pregnancy thing to my advantage as much as possible on that front. Wish my luck that the next 36 weeks are as uneventful as possible!

Narrow escape

Well today was a much better day, despite meeting Mrs. X for lunch/coffee. Luckily (usually unluckily) Sara is at an age right now where she will not sit still for longer than 20 minutes at a time, 30 if it's a good day. So I didn't make a particularly big effort at keeping Sara by my side, and after 30 minutes or so of Mrs. X pointless naddering I just started getting Sara dressed again in her coat, and said we had to go.

Mrs. X would not be fobbed off that easily though and suggested we go for a walk. It was a really beautiful day so I said OK. Somehow it's easier to listen to her talk on and on about nothing when I can concentrate on something else and don't actually have to look at her. After visiting MUJI and Heiando though she suggested we go to a shopping mall nearby, but luckily (usually unluckily) I was wearing boots with fairly high heels on them, and it was the first time I wore them and my feet were starting to hurt, so that was the perfect time to say I just couldn't go on any longer, had to go home, bye! As we're parting ways she says "I'll call you next week!" And I very nearly blurt out "please don't!" But I just said it under my breath instead.

I feel bad that Sara seems to have picked up on my dislike for this woman though, and she has started showing a dislike for her as well. (Although I secretly think this is kind of funny, but I still feel a little guilty.) Mrs. X used to pick her up and kind of grind her face into Sara's, sort of kissing her cheek/chin, and it would make Sara laugh hysterically. Although I hated watching this woman defile my daughter like that, and leave her perfume and make-up/lipstick all over my poor baby for the rest of the day, it made Sara laugh, and what mother doesn't love to hear the sound of her baby laugh? Today though, she picked her up, and tried to do the same thing, and it looked like she was actually hurting her, she was pressing her face into Sara's so hard, but not a giggle or even a smile from Sara. Just pushes to get away. I wanted to grab her away since she looked so miserable, but she was able to wriggle herself out of Mrs. X's grasp on her own. (That's my girl!)

All in all it was one of the more painless meetings with her. I just don't want to see her again next week. I think I'm going to be abducted by aliens for awhile.

Afterward I went grocery shopping and when I walked into the store I thought I recognized the woman with a child in front of me as a woman from my maternity yoga class, and who happened to give birth at the same clinic, but she lives in Turkey, so I figured I was mistaken until she obviously recognized me back. We chatted for a bit, and it turns out she's visiting until the end of March while her husband remains in Turkey. It seems she had planned to come back just for the New Year, but found out she was pregnant with her second child just before she left Turkey, and since she's having severe morning sickness, decided to stay for longer so her mother can help with her daughter. This woman was also due to give birth 2 or 3 days after me, and gave birth 9 days before me. It seems I am destined to forever be envious of her reproductively.

I'm glad I bumped into her though because I really like her, and we promised to get in touch and hang out with our daughters soon. I think it was seeing her and hearing her news though that threw me over the edge and I did an hpt when Akinori got home. Not even a faint little line. I know it doesn't mean anything until I don't get my period because it's quite possible that if I am pregnant then my hcg numbers aren't high enough to register yet, but I thought since AF is due this weekend, if I were pregnant then I might get even a faint line, and since there was NOTHING, I am resigned to trying again next month. Still praying I am wrong, but better to be resigned than get really upset when I get my period.

I promised myself I was going to sleep before midnight tonight, so getting off the computer...now!

Just generally pissed off, oh and happy 2nd anniversary

*There may be a lot of swearing in this post, if you're easily offended don't even bother reading

So the morning starts off with me taking my temperature as I have been everyday for the last 2 months or so, because I am now addicted to taking my temperature as well as trying to get pregnant, and it is a wee bit lower than it has been for the last week. The thought that I am not pregnant just puts me in a bad mood from the very start. That and the fact that Sara woke up at 7:30 and refused to go back to sleep. Until sometime last week she was sleeping until 10 or 11 o'clock, letting me have plenty of rest, but all of a sudden she has decided to join the ranks of the civilized and wake up at a reasonable hour. Before giving up on getting Sara to go back to sleep, I took my temperature about 3 more times and it was up then down, then up, so really who the fuck knows whether or not I am pregnant. I am feeling really pre-menstrual though, so I have a feeling I'm going to be getting a visit from Sarah, Sakura and Aunt Flo this weekend. Not happy!

So we go downstairs and I try and feed Sara breakfast. Not happening. She won't sit in her high chair and she won't open her mouth. Great, you're going to starve to death child, and everyone is going to blame me because I'm the mother. She will of course eat akachan senbei (rice crackers for babies) and she is pawing and snatching at the package faster than I can open it, thus crumbling the senbei into little wee bits. Thanks for the mess! I get us dressed because I have decided that from this week we are going back to our Tuesday playgroup (great way to avoid Mrs. X too!). Getting ready to leave the house and notice Sara squatting and getting red around the eyes, which is a sure sign there is poopage. Pull off her pants rather wildly as I'm trying to make her laugh, and a whole shitload of poop (pun intended) sprays all over the place. There is poop all over the inside of her pants, now on her socks, her undershirt onesie and the long-sleeved onesie she was wearing over that. Just lovely! Good thing I decided against the leggings under the pants or there would have been an even bigger mess.

All cleaned up and ready to go. Get to the jidokan and there is only 1 other member of playgroup there with her son. No one else showed up today, and the 1 kid who did show up has to leave within 30 minutes of us getting there so he can go get his flu shot. Just my fucking luck today. But what was even worse was we got there at lunchtime so I bought a bento and thought I would feed Sara some of that, since she only seems to want to eat whatever the grown-ups are eating these days. Sit her down and since she is plenty hungry by now, she is more than happy to eat whatever I put in her mouth. 10 minutes later, it all comes right back out. The damage wasn't too bad. Not a single tear or even whine for that matter, after puking. Her sweater and pants got the brunt of it, and I was able to get most of the yuck out of them. Luckily I decided to put leggings on her when I re-dressed her after the poop fiasco, so I just let her run around in her leggings and onesie since she seemed genki and was dying to be allowed to go play.

Spent two hours at the jidokan chasing Sara and trying to prevent her from taking all the toys off other innocent kids, listening non-stop to "kawaii ne" "yappari gaijin no ko wa chigau ne". Honestly this was the first time that phrase has really bothered me, and maybe it's because I'm so hormonal and all, but I don't want my child being told "wow, foreign kids are obviously different". I know they mean it in a "good way" but it was the first time I really felt that my daughter is going to have to hear how "different" she is for the rest of her life.

Anyway, Sara falls asleep 2 seconds after I put her in the car seat to go home, and I decide she definitely has the right idea, so I forego shopping for cat food, even though we are all out. The cat had a little food left this morning so she can suffer a few more hours without food. We go back home and lay down on the living room floor for a nap. I would love to stay there forever. Am totally not interested in teaching belly dance tonight, but I know I will feel better after I go to the lesson and start moving.

Sara is still sleeping (going on 3 hours now) when Akinori comes home at 5:30 with 1 red rose for me. Today is the 2nd anniversary of our wedding in Hawaii. I still can't believe it was 2 years ago already, or that it was even real. It was such a beautiful wedding, in such a beautiful location. It was my dream wedding. Ah, reality is such a downer, but back to it. So I accept the rose, a quick kiss and "sorry I don't have the money today. It's in the bank, but with my work schedule I won't be able to get it out of the bank until Friday." WTF?! I forgot to mention before that my money unsavvy husband doesn't have a cash card OR bank book for this account, so he has to go to the bank in person and hanko every fucking time he wants to withdraw money, which means he has to get there by 3:00 because that's what time the banks close. Why in the fucking world do banks close at 3:00? Do they not realize that the rest of the country works until at least 5:30? Where is the bloody logic in this? Anyway he tells me he will sleep in the K-truck. It is -5 degrees outside right now. I am obviously not about to let him sleep in the truck, nevermind the fact that it is our anniversary. I really, really hate the fact that this money saga is not yet finished though.

So he drives me to my belly dance lesson and of course I am much happier for having done the lesson, he comes to pick me up after, then we go to get cat food and some home pregnancy tests, which I can't even use yet, but I feel better having them on hand. I don't know why. I am probably just insane and addicted to hpt's too. I am having a lot of trouble being patient and waiting to see if my period comes or not this weekend. We get home and that's when all hell breaks loose over the most stupid shit anyone has ever fought about. But this is what happens when I am hormonal, and in my book when a woman is hormonal men should just shut up and apologize, and pretend to be sincere about it, regardless of the reason. So much time and anger would be saved if he would just cop on to what time of the month it is, or the fact that I am upset about something so stupid it doesn't warrant a serious argument, but he doesn't. He just ends up getting his knickers twisted and being an asshole and pissing me off even more. So I tell him to go sleep in the car.

Of course this is not what I really want, despite everything I've said in my previous 2 posts. I really do not want him to not be in bed with me at night. I just want to teach him a lesson. So he says that regardless of the fight we are currently having he is going to sleep in the car anyway, as he broke his promise to me, and he needs to do a penance to show how sorry he is and that he will mend his evil ways. So now I am forced to apologize for telling him to go sleep in the car during the heat of the moment, which pisses me off even more, because I'm hormonal and that's all the reason I need to be pissed off.

And to top it all off I am currently still meeting Mrs. X for lunch tomorrow. Ugh. Despite Mrs. X tomorrow's got to be a better day right?

Give them an inch...

So first of all a brief update of the weekend as I'm sure everyone is wondering if I am getting divorced tomorrow or not. As pissed off as I was with hub Saturday morning, I kind of had to put that aside as Sara was puking her poor little guts out all Saturday afternoon and night. She didn't have a fever and besides a bit of a cry after a puke she was as genki as ever, so we weren't too worried, and by Sunday morning she was fine.

I, on the other hand, have been nauseous since Friday afternoon. This morning I was feeling better, but now not so much. I'm hoping to not get my period this weekend and then this will all make sense, but I think it is a little too early for morning sickness. We made a fantastic effort at making a baby this month though, with all the counting days and whatnot, so hopefully there will be some happy news in a week or so.

Which brings me to today. Akinori called his friend yesterday and told him outright that if I didn't get the money today, then I was going to divorce him, and the friend promised he would transfer it today. Yesterday Akinori and I had another discussion about the whole situation, and it seemed really silly to me to divorce someone I love so much and who loves me. I mean, what if I am pregnant? That would just be silly to get divorced without even knowing whether I am or not, but I didn't want him to think that there still were not serious repercussions to his actions, so I told him he couldn't come back home until I had the money. I am still waiting for confirmation that the money has been transferred into his account. Apparently his friend has been at work all day, but promised that he would transfer the money before the day was out and send a photo of the receipt after it was done. So if Akinori doesn't come home with 470,000 yen tomorrow after work, he's not coming home. (He did come home with 40,000 yen Saturday. An attempt at a peace offering.) He knows that this is still a big deal since he can't go back to his parents' house as he, nor I, want to worry them with our domestic situation, and he doesn't want to impose on any of his friends. He swears he is going to sleep in the K-truck. He has offered to leave tonight, but I am giving him until tomorrow as that was the original date I was going to go to city hall anyway. Stay tuned.

About the title, I haven't seen Mrs. X for nearly a month now, and what a peaceful, happy month it has been for me! I said I wasn't going to blog about her anymore, but there was a lot of stuff in December that went on that is really pushing me towards the edge. The last time I saw her, her constant ramblings and outright insanity nearly had me in tears by the time I went home. I was just so stressed from listening to her. I could write a book of all the crazy things she says and does, and no one would believe that half of it was true. The woman is INSANE! She gave me a Christmas present the second to last time I saw her. It was the book that she had been reading one of the times I saw her previously. The thought was nice and all, but I didn't plan on buying her a Christmas present to begin with, and seeing as she was giving me a sort-of recycled gift, I didn't see the need to reciprocate. Even if she had spent money on a gift for me, I don't think I would have given her one. I just don't want to, and therefore I am not going to. In my mind you give presents to people you want to, when you want to, regardless of the occassion, not out of obligation, which is exactly what it would have been. Maybe I'm just a bitch, but I'm not going to be guilted into being her friend! She made a comment at that time though about not getting gifts from people who you had given gifts to and how much that hurt. I pretty much ignored the comment. Maybe I'm a bitch. I don't care.

Anyway, getting to the point...she texted last week asking if I wanted to meet for lunch Friday, but I already had plans for Friday, so I said maybe next week (this week). So of course it's Monday morning and at 10 am I get a text, "Let's meet at Starbucks at 12." Lucky for me Akinori had the day off work today so I wrote back saying we were spending the day together (especially as it may be the last for awhile), but that I was free only on Tuesday or Wednesday this week. So she has the nerve to write back, "Let's meet Tuesday AND Wednesday." WTF? I'm pretty sure that any normal person who recieved my message would understand that I meant I would meet her one day OR the other, not both! Why would you assume that I even wanted to meet you two days in a row? I've been a right bitch to her too, the last few times I saw her, so why on earth she wants to spend any time at all with me, I have no idea. Maybe not an out-and-out bitch, but I basically don't talk at all (not that I have much of a chance to say anything, but in the rare silent moments I don't even make an effort to make conversation), carefully watch the clock, and after an hour, get up and tell her I have to go. I can tell that she is getting a vibe from me, but she is quite clueless, so she may not understand the vibe she is getting. I've said before that I don't necessarily want to hurt her feelings, but I can't handle this forever, and as long as we both live in Nagano, she is never going to leave me alone. I'm going to have to make a greater effort at only seeing her in a group of people. So this may not be the last you have heard of Mrs. X after all.

Money troubles...again (>.<)

To be honest, I'm not sure I really want to blog about this as it frustrates me beyond belief and just makes me sad in general. But the ultimate goal of keeping this blog is to let off some steam so that things don't have to bother me so much.

My husband is many, many things, but money savvy he is not. Not an ounce of it in his body, not a drop, not a nano-drop. You get the picture. Unfortunately he is quite good at selling things on Yahoo Auction, and if he were money savvy, he could probably make us a nice little nest egg, but alas he is not, and here is where the problem lies. His friends who are not computer savvy ask him to sell stuff on Yahoo Auction quite often. He also gets asked by other people who he's met online through selling things before. He has a reputation of sorts of being able to put buyers and sellers together, and make a small profit for himself. However once in awhile, and once is far too often if you ask me, something will happen, and he will be put in the position to front the money to the seller before the buyer comes through with the cash. Are the alarms going off yet?

My husband has no access to our savings, and of course, not being money savvy, has no savings of his own. So when the above mentioned situation comes up, he comes crying to me about needing money and promising left, right and center he will pay me back the next day, or sometime within the week, or whatever, but it's always soon. More often than not, he pays me back later than he promised, whether it be by a few days, weeks or worst case scenario, months. In fact, his debt to the family savings as of yesterday was just over 300,000 yen. Half of that is sitting in his bank account, but he hasn't had a chance to get to the bank this past week because of work (he does construction of sorts so he works at different sites all over the prefecture, this past week a particularly far and busy site). That's all fine and good, but he promised that I would have half of that half January 4th, and the other half I was supposed to get 2 days after I loaned it to him. But something ALWAYS comes up! He can't get to the bank or he has to pay this or that, so can I wait another day? or week?

He promised me that he would stop this nonsense at the end of last year and stop selling things for friends so that these types of situations would not come up anymore. The last time I loaned him money I told him it was the last, and that no matter how much he begged and pleaded, I wasn't doing it again, and certainly not while he still had a huge debt to the family savings. And then yesterday happened.

He came home all upset and said he introduced a friend of his in Tokyo, with an item to sell, to someone he met through Yahoo Auction looking for that particular item. It was a piece of silver jewelry, a very expensive piece of jewelry in the shape of an eagle. So the buyer (who happens to live in Nagano, about an hour away from here) sent the seller the money, and the seller was supposed to send the buyer the item, however one of the eagles' wings broke. So the seller offered to send the buyer his money back. The buyer refused and said that if he didn't get the item by Sunday he was calling the police and claiming he had been scammed. WTF? Why is this my husband's problem? And why won't the buyer just take the fucking money back??!!

So the seller is willing to pay to buy a new eagle at a considerable loss, but the only one they can find is 370,000 yen at a second hand store online, and the only way they can get the eagle to the buyer by Sunday is to pay by credit card and have the online store deliver the item to our house Sunday morning, and Akinori will hand deliver it on Sunday. I guess it makes sense to not deliver it to the buyer directly as he can possibly claim it was never delivered even if it was. Anyway, the only person with a credit card is, you guessed it, me. By his own admission, handing a credit card to my husband in his own name is too dangerous, so he doesn't have any. I told Akinori that if his friend in Tokyo transferred the funds to my account by noon today (Saturday) and sent a photo of the receipt saying he did so (since it wouldn't show up in my account until Monday) that I would use my credit card. He said that his friend wouldn't be able to get the funds together until Monday. So that rules out me helping. End of story, right? I only wish.

Since I refused to help, Akinori said that he would have to go to Tokyo after work today and blah, blah, blah. Whatever, his problem, he has to deal with it. Not happy about the situation either way, but not going to be swayed to help this time. He then wakes me at the crack of fucking dawn asking if there is any way at all I will change my mind. I told him no and to let me go back to sleep. This is then followed of promises to have the funds in my account on Monday, and if they aren't there then he will drive to Tokyo on Monday and pick up the money himself. Loaning him cash is one thing, but I don't want to be pissing around with my credit card. More begging and pleading. So I finally break down, but I told him that if I don't get that money back on Monday I am going to city hall on Tuesday and filing for divorce, and I'm not kidding, and I'm telling all of you too, I am not kidding. I may be a swinging single at this time next week.

Usually I try not to pressure him too much about when he is going to return the funds he has previously borrowed because I know it stresses him out and he knows he has to return the money, and it just causes a fight. But I took this opportunity to give him as much shit as I possibly could about all the money he has borrowed. So basically he needs to cut his debt down to 100,000 yen by the end of the month, or we are, in no uncertain terms, getting a divorce February 1st (or sooner depending on what happens Monday).

So he tells me how relieved he feels and thanks me and showers me with kisses, which I am not in the mood to receive. It's all bloody well and fine that he feels better, but I feel 370,000 times worse, so don't expect me to rejoice until you show me the money.

Perhaps I am being a bit melodramatic, or too drastic, but if doesn't think I am serious, or that there aren't serious repercussions to his actions, he will just continue to be irresponsible with money. It's how he was raised. His family is by no means wealthy, but as the oldest son of the oldest son of the oldest son of a family of Japanese craftsmen, with their old and revered traditions, he was raised as the golden boy, and his every whim catered to, and his every wish granted. This is the end of the line for me. I am not dealing with this type of bullshit anymore.

All I can say is we are in for a very tense weekend at the Kaneta household.

Late night cooking

Bless the little old lady who lives next door and always shares the loot she gets sent from relatives. Curse her for the same reason. Some things I am very happy to receive, usually fruit. Vegetables not so much because that means you have to use them in cooking, which means I have to cook. I usually buy one onion at a time since I rarely use them. Little Old Lady gave us a whole bag, more than half went in the bin after several months. I know! I know! I hate to waste food too, which is why receiving it usually stresses me out.

A week or two ago Little Old Lady's daughter came by with apples (yeah!) and a nagaimo (boo!). But I promised myself that I was going to 1. cook as much as possible and 2. do my best not to waste food products. So that meant looking for a way to use nagaimo. I decided to finally get off my ass and out of the house today (because the only thing left to eat in the house was dill pickles and canned soup) so before going grocery shopping I checked the Internet for nagaimo recipes and decided I would try okonomiyaki, which despite all my years living in Osaka I have never attempted to make the traditional way even.

Anyway go to Nishimatsuya and the grocery store with Sara who is becoming more and more difficult to take out of the house. She kept trying to crawl out of the shopping cart seat and into the back of the cart with the food. She's a little daredevil with no sense of fear and we have to keep a constant eye on her or she'll try to climb everything and anything and end up falling on her head the second we look away for a moment. But I digress. By the time I got home I was exhausted since I hadn't left the house since we came back from Kyushu on Thursday , except to take Sara to the doctor Saturday morning, and had turned into a sloth-like recluse. So I got Sara down for a nap when we got home and I relaxed a bit before I had to go teach a belly dance class.

I got home around 8:45. Akinori had already dug around and found something to eat for himself, so I'm not sure why I decided it would be a
good idea to start grating the nagaimo to make okonomiyaki at 9 pm, but I did. I started out working in the kitchen on my own, but Akinori comes in with Sara, puts her in her high chair and says "she missed you, she wants to be with you, call me if you need anything." He's lucky
I wasn't holding a knife! Sara will not sit in her high chair willingly for more than 3 minutes when she's starving. It took 30 seconds for her to crawl out of the high chair so she was standing on the foot rest from outside the high chair. I've got sticky, slimey nagaimo all over my hands
at this point but I do my best to grab her without touching her with my hands and take her and the goddamn nagaimo into the living room
where Akinori is so he can watch her, and she won't freak out because I'm in the other room.

It took me 45 minutes to grate the potato. 45 minutes! Luckily Akinori was able to get Sara to sleep during that time and I was able to go back into the kitchen to cook. The recipe called for 380g of grated nagaimo. I had a helluva lot more than that, but nevermind I figured I'd find something to do with it. Follow the instructions on the recipe and after just a few minutes in the fry pan it is obvious my concoction is not
cooking the way it is meant to, but nevermind I just continue to let it fry while I look for more nagaimo okonomiyaki recipes. Find one and start cutting up more ingredients as the 1st batch continues to fry and get nowhere. So now the 2nd batter is mixed and ready and the 1st batch is just looking more and more pathetic with every attempted flip so I give up on it and dump it on a plate. I was honestly ready to give up on cooking altogether, like ever again it was such a pathetic attempt, but then a miracle happened and the 2nd attempt came out perfect! I was very proud! Unfortunately it was 11:30 pm at this point and I was not in the mood to eat okonomiyaki, and Akinori had passed out on the floor in the living room who knows how long before that. I took photos of both attempts which I'll post later.

Akinori was asleep, but we had baby-making plans last night that fell through again thanks to a super-genki Sara, and I am bound and determined to get pregnant, especially since I got an email from my dad tonight saying my sister-in-law is pregnant again and due at the end of August. Why do I feel more pressure to get pregnant with every announcement of someone else's pregnancy? I know it's not a race and it's stupid to want to be pregnant because everyone else is, but with every notice of someone else's pregnancy I feel another surge of urgency. Probably the best way to not get pregnant. Anyway Akinori got a very pleasant wake up call and gave it a good effort. Whether or not we do get pregnant, I have to say that all these efforts have been great for our relationship. We fight so much less and we're both in better moods. There is definitely something to be said for regular sex.
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