I moved my blog

Recent events have prompted me to move my blog and make it a little more private. I really didn't want to do this, nor do I really want to write password protected posts, but I guess if I'm going to blog about stuff that I care about not being publicized to the world, I need to take those measures. It's nobody's fault but my own. Not that I even imagine my life is all that exciting that people would want to openly discuss it with others, hence why I never bothered protecting anything before, but I suppose it's for the best, and when I feel comfortable blogging to the world again, I won't need to protect my posts anymore. Anyway, here is the new address:
http://elemenopart2.wordpress.com
If you'd like the password please contact me. Hope to see you in my new space! Brenda

blog disclaimer

To all the folks who read my blog:

I am fully and totally aware that my blog is out there in cyberspace for anyone and everyone to see. However I am starting to reconsider the repercussions of this decision and have decided it may be time to move my blog to a more private place where I can have more control over who sees what information. That's not something I ever planned on doing, but recently it has come to light that people I know in real life have somehow stumbled upon my blog, and to tell you the truth, that doesn't even really bother me. It does kind of bother me to know that those people who have read that I am pregnant on my blog have taken it upon themselves to share the news with other people I may know in real life. I know it's my own stupid fault for putting it out there where anyone can see, but my blog is my therapy, as I assume it is for many people. Just because I am writing about my pregnancy on my blog does not mean
I have let the cat out of the bag to the real world. Besides my parents and a few select people who have s
tood by me through trying to conceive again, I had planned on keeping it to myself for a little while longer. At the very least until we see a heartbeat. I understand the desire to gossip is human nature. I really do, and I love a good gossip myself, but it just seems to me that unless you hear that someone is pregnant from that person first-hand, not because you managed to
stumble upon their blog, and you have confirmed with them that it is okay to start spreading the news, then telling others about said pregnancy is really not your news to share. Quite honestly if all goes well, and I give birth to a perfectly healthy baby come February, I probably won't even care that this incident happened, but if something tragic were to happen between now and then I know this whole fiasco is just going to make it worse. And yes, I know this is all my own fault for not being more private. So lesson learned. I'll update again once I've decided what to do. Until then, bye bloggy world!

Born to be a star?

The weather has been beautiful lately, and I am almost finished with the monster project, so I've been doing my best to get us out of the house during the day as much as possible. It helps Sara (and me, not that I need it) sleep so much better when she has a good run around outside too.

Today, we went to the conbini to get some snacks, and then off to the park behind our house. Sara was asleep in the stroller about 3 seconds after getting in, which meant I was able to have a nice quiet lunch in the park. And quiet it was, there were almost no other kids there. When Sara woke up she had a good run around, few trips down the slide, run through the grass, then she got to the stairs. Those bloody stairs, followed by her bloody knees, but I digress. Up and down, up and down, up and down, until I get sick of it, because she never, ever, ever will, no matter how much blood is dripping off of her. So I pick her up screaming bloody murder and decide it is time to coax her back onto the playground equipment.

As we're walking back down towards the playground, I notice lots of men in construction worker garb walking around with toolboxes, and think "This is an odd sight, but where have I seen this before?" And then it dawned on me "はじめてのおつかい” (First Errand) a program shown on TV usually around the New Year's and O-bon holidays, where really young kids are sent on their first errand all alone, or with a younger sibling. Anyway, when I looked around, sure enough there were two little girls in the middle of all those "construction workers".

As I was cleaning off Sara's knees the two girls started to play in the fountain in the park. It's only about 15-20cm deep, but the girls were running around having a blast, and slowly started taking off pieces of their clothing one by one, until one of the girls was buck-naked. It was then that a staff member stepped in. We were too far away to hear what she said, but I had a good laugh watching.

There is another kind of fountain in the park where you rotate a handle that kind of looks like the steering wheel on a boat, and water comes out. Sara is totally into playing with water at the moment (along with climbing stairs), so when the two sisters were playing with the water, Sara was right in there playing with them. I doubt we will be on TV though because I would expect that in that situation we would have to sign some sort of release, and I'm sure they have plenty of other footage to throw in the 30 minute segment, considering they were probably filming for a good 3 or 4 hours. But who knows, we may be in the background somewhere, so next time the show is on, probably during O-bon? look for the 2 sisters from Nagano-shi, and maybe you'll catch a glimpse of my little star too! (She'll be the one in the white t-shirt and pink shorts with the gaijin mother following her around saying "dame yo")

Oops in a good way

So you know how I said my big project is ending early minus 50,000. Well it seems I didn't read the e-mail well enough, and only some of the files have been already taken care of by their in-house staff. So the project is still going on until next Friday, and I've only lost 20,000 yen. A much easier sum to part with, although I guess it's not really parting with it since it's not like I actually received it in the first place. Unfortunately, I sent off an e-mail to the company last night at some ungodly hour confirming that the project was finished early and got a reply this morning saying "no, only some files have been done, and xx files still remain. Continue to stick with the schedule please." Oops. I was so completely embarrassed. I'm sure they think I am a totally incompetent ass and will never ask me to work for them again. Ah well, it was good while it lasted.

Then I got a phone call from a number I totally didn't recognize this morning in Osaka. I thought it was the tax office asking me where that last 70,000 yen I owe them for health insurance is, but it wasn't. It was the president of a company I used to do voice recording and textbook editing for something like 10 years ago. Can you imagine what they were thinking when they called? "We are totally desperate! Do you think that one foreigner chick is still around? Who knows? Might as well give the number a try." Anyway, I guess some voice recordings are coming up for a client I recorded for before and they have to submit 3 male and 3 female voice candidates, and they asked if I could send in a recording of my voice by tomorrow morning via e-mail. Sure, I replied, I can do that, but I moved to Nagano prefecture two years ago, so I don't know how much use I am to you here.

Get this, they would pay for my transportation to and from Osaka, and for a hotel for the night before recording AND for any daycare fees I might incur either here in Nagano or in Osaka if I want to bring Sara with me. AND the job pays 60,000 yen on top of that AND it would be on two separate dates sometime between the end of July and beginning of September AND they will work with my schedule if the dates they propose don't work for me. Hello?? What's the punchline because you have got to be kidding me that there are actually gigs out there with perks that sweet in this economy, not to mention that they would be willing to put out all that money to bring me from Nagano, when there are more than enough foreigners roaming the streets of Osaka/Kyoto/Kobe. Wow! Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed that they pick me.

Sometimes things just seem to fall into place. Oh happy day!

Happy birthday to me!!

Today was my 35th birthday. That looks so weird in writing. 34 doesn't seem nearly as old as 35. Hell I don't even feel 30. I still feel about 25 or so. I actually got nervous enough about being 35 today to look up "middle age" because I wanted to make sure I'm not yet, and at least Wikipedia still thinks I'm not (even though according to the US Census Bureau I am - screw the US Census Bureau BTW).

Anyway, it was actually a rather lovely day. I started getting happy birthday messages on my Facebook account last night, and all through the day my phone has been ringing with happy birthday calls, and texts. I woke up to a slight toilet malfunction though, when I went downstairs to use it and what Akinori had left earlier in the morning, was still there waiting for me. My first thought was "What a shitty birthday present". Ah, I kill me! Akinori, however, just about died of embarrassment when I told him what I found this morning. I don't see what the big deal is, though I probably wouldn't want him to find my bodily waste lying around either, but shit happens. (Am I on a roll or what? BTW, it's my birthday - you have to say I'm funny.)

Sara was actually quite well-behaved for me today and went down for a nap this morning in about 2 minutes, without any fuss. So I took that opportunity to take a shower. My mom, then my dad, then both of them called while I was in the shower, singing "happy birthday" into the answering machine. It was very cute. They made sure to call right around noon too, which is when I was born. Kind of sweet, I thought. I called back and my mom then had to relate the story of my birth, as she does every year. Having my own daughter, I now realize she does this more for her benefit than mine. She is thinking about what she was doing XX years ago today at this time. At least this year she left out the "...and then you RIPPED me open" line. Talk about a guilt trip.

Sara woke up and I decided to take advantage of the absolutely gorgeous weather Mother Nature, my new best friend, sent for my birthday. So we headed to the local jidokan for a bit of playtime, stopping off at a lovely little cafe for lunch first.
After Sara charmed the counter staff with all of her waving bye-bye, while bowing her head in proper "domo" fashion, we headed to the jidokan where Sara had a grand time running amok and screaming and laughing. I need to take more videos of her because she is seriously one funny character. I know she's my kid and all, but I really enjoy hanging out with her, a good thing I guess, considering she is my kid and all.
After the jidokan, I decided I had to stop by Starbucks because my lovely, lovely friend H sent me a Starbucks gift card in the mail since she couldn't take me to coffee in person. Is that not the sweetest thing ever? I actually teared up when I read the card I was so touched. Although I really would have loved to have coffee with her in person, I thoroughly enjoyed my Grande-sized Dark Mocha Chip Frappuccino (or something with a similar name) and every single frothy calorie infused into it. You can't beat chocolate and whipped cream.

Sara was asleep by the time we got home and Grey's Anatomy was just about to start. Perfectly perfect! Sara then woke up half way through and turned off the Sky Perfect box, as she does lately, at a really good part. That is perhaps her most annoying habit yet. I can deal with her turning off the Sky Perfect, but she always does it at the good parts. What is that? Anyway, I also got an e-mail from the company I am working on a monster job for telling me that the current volume I am working on will be the last, and that the last two volumes were needed in a hurry by the client so that had to get them done by someone in-house right away. I am a little torn about whether I am happy or sad about this. I think more sad because that was just over 50,000 yen pulled out from under me, and I really, really could have used that money. I am a little relieved though because that means I'll be finished with this project on Thursday, instead of next Friday, and I have been dying to be finished with this project. I miss not feeling guilty for using the computer for something other than work, or for playing with my daughter, or for not playing with my daughter. I just need a break from work, so it's not all bad.

Akinori came home mid-Grey's and wanted to work on some project he's doing outside until it was time to take me to belly dance, which was fine, except that he's never quite organized enough to time things just right, and we were 10 minutes later leaving the house than I wanted to be, and I was totally annoyed. The lesson went well though and I had a new student show up tonight, so that was good. The new student is a new friend as well, and she actually brought me a present to class, which was so sweet.

I forgave Akinori quickly for making me later than I wanted to be when he came to pick me up and sitting in the passenger seat was that baby blue bag that every woman loves. I know I said I didn't want him to buy me jewelry, but really, I'm very pleased with the lovely gift he got me. Plus, I'm not exactly sure how much this cost, but I know it's one of the less expensive items Tiffany has to offer. If he had to spend money on jewelry I'm glad it was on something tasteful but not too expensive. The first and second birthdays I had while we were together, he sent me 100 white roses because he was in Nagano and I was in Osaka. I LOVED receiving them, and I am grateful that I can say I have received a bouquet of 100 roses in my life, twice in fact, but twice is enough, two more times than most people I think, so I'm a lucky girl. But really 100 roses is pure, unadulterated luxury, something we can totally not afford and a totally impractical gift. How unromantic am I?

We're going out for a proper birthday dinner tomorrow night, so tonight we just stopped by the conbini as we usually do on Tuesday nights after I teach. Akinori and Sara had eaten earlier, so after I finished dinner, Akinori said he was going to get Sara's bath ready, and came back a few minutes later with this.
My husband did good.

All in all a very happy birthday. Here's to at least 35 more!

Playing hooky

I'm supposed to be working. I have 30-something files to get through before 5p.m. tomorrow, and yet again I am finding it difficult to concentrate, so I'm hoping a little blog purge will cleanse my soul and my brain.

I went to the gyno Wednesday to see what he had to say. He's pretty much THE Dr. to go to for infertility problems in Nagano, and probably because he's close to the ONLY Dr. who deals with infertility in Nagano, but everyone I know who has gone to him has a success story, so I figured he was probably the place to go. Showed him my temperature chart for the last several months, and he did the quickest and most painless internal exam I have ever been through. Hallelujah for that! Especially since I had a small polyp (I am prone to polyps) that he removed without me even feeling it (although my wallet certainly felt it)!! My Dr. in Osaka, who I loved, loved, loved was probably as gentle as she could be, but her polyp removal technique could definitely use some brushing up. That or she needs some new fancy-schmancy equipment. Anyway, my charts and my insides all look very normal and healthy. Good news I suppose. He did however say that considering my and Akinori's age, going through the whole range of tests might not be a bad idea, but that giving it another couple of months is also a perfectly reasonable choice at this point. Anyway, I have to go back next week to get the results of the uterine cancer, etc. exams and he said I can let him know then. We've pretty much decided that if it doesn't happen this month then we are going to go through the tests though.

However, as silly as it may seem, and I am afraid to even put this in writing, I have my hopes way up for this month. I used the OPK's I got from SIL, and I got a very definite line which means ovulation is going to occur within 24 to 36 hours. I had been using cheapy tests I got off the internet, and never got a definite dark lines, and I was kind of wondering what was really going on. It was just like getting all those very faint lines on the HPTs. You want to hope you're seeing something, but you're not sure. So it had been a long time since I saw any definite positive lines on sticks that you pee on, and I was quite elated by it. It's amazing how a silly pee-on-a-stick test can make me so happy and hopeful.

Anyway I made Akinori perform his husbandly duties 3 nights in a row. I know there are all kinds of theories about how you shouldn't do it more than once every 2 days, and blah, blah, blah. Don't worry, been there, done that. Except that whenever we do it that way, we always seem to miss the actual day of ovulation. I know it doesn't have to be the day you ovulate, but I have a feeling that's been our problem. I know my internet degree in medicine from Dr. Google means nothing, but I just have a feeling. Anyway, we hit the nail on the head this month, and that has given me way too much hope to be healthy, but I am. I can't help it. Now I just have to wait two awful, long weeks to find out if we are going through all the tests and I am going to go through another week of inconsolable depression, or if I can have a moment or 2 of sheer elation, and then something else to worry about for the next 9-10 months. Aaaggghh, someone press the fast forward button! No don't! I don't want to know! No yes no yes no yes!!! AAAAAaaaaahhhhggggghhh!

Really nothing else exciting to report. I turn 35 on Tuesday!! I can't believe it. I find 35 a bit of a scary number. It's so big, and so close to 40, which is even bigger. I certainly don't feel "old" (not that 35 is old, but it doesn't sound young either, unless you're like 60, and then I suppose it sounds pretty young), and I don't look 35, even if I do say so myself. I'm not that hung up on my age really, or anyone else's for that matter, but still it scares me a little.

Akinori keeps asking me what I want, but all I really want is for him to return all the money he owes the family savings, to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby (3 more times), build a nice, beautiful house, and to not have to worry about money ever again. None of these items are available at the local department store. My dear, sweet husband appears to be looking at buying me some jewelry, and although I really do truly appreciate the thought, I would rather he saved that money and just paid back his debt to the family savings. I know I sound ungrateful, but the fact that there is still a huge hole in our savings causes me a lot of unneeded stress, and relieving that stress would honestly be the best birthday present ever, well maybe second, the first being getting pregnant. Just the fact that he even wants to buy me expensive jewelry makes me very happy.

Okay, now I feel like I can get some work done, but before that I have to go and pull my daughter's fingers out of her nose, the latest of her "that concerns me" habits. That one, and hitting herself on the head when she doesn't get what she wants. I don't know where she picks this stuff up. It's not like her father or I walk around the house with our fingers stuffed up our noses, or whacking ourselves on the head (no matter how much I would like to) out of frustration. Aah the joys of being a mother.

The Next Step

AF showing up last week was a lot tougher to handle than it has been the last few months. I was stupid for getting so excited so early, but I'm not usually as late as I was, and there was definitely a bit of a line within the prescribed time, so I got myself all excited over nothing. I was also excited at the thought that my SIL and I might be pregnant at the same time and have babies within a week or two of each other. The news that my SIL is pregnant was really a mixed bag of emotions for me. Don't get me wrong. I don't begrudge her her pregnancy, or have any bad feelings or ill will toward her, nor was it at all difficult for me to be around her during Golden Week. In fact, if anything I found comfort in being around her and talking to her. She's been trying to get pregnant for about a year now (and this is with her 3rd), so she knows exactly how frustrated I am, and the fact that she is pregnant gives me hope that I soon will be too.

Akinori has been great through all of this, and really supportive. Of course he is happy that he still gets an abundance of guaranteed sex this month, but I felt bad for getting his hopes up last month. He was all excited and talking about names and whatnot, but when I apologized for getting his hopes up he was totally supportive and understanding and not at all like, "I told you we shouldn't get so excited too soon", which I thought he might be. Anyway, I have promised myself that no matter what happens, I am not peeing on any sticks before my period is officially late this month. I have a feeling this month might be difficult for us to get pregnant though as my temps are all over the place, and considering I was not expecting my period to show up so late, I really am not sure how long my cycle is at this point. I guess being a few days longer or shorter is fairly normal, but then how in the world do you know when to expect AF or ovulation exactly?

Anyway, I've decided I want to go to the dr. anyway, just to get checked out and make sure there is nothing physically wrong with me that is keeping me from getting pregnant. I'm going to be 35(!!) in less than two weeks, and that thought has me kind of worried about the state of my uterus and what-not. I know you're probably thinking I'm worrying over nothing, and we've only been trying for 4 months, and we still have time. I know all that, but I just think I need the peace of mind that comes with a doctor actually saying "You and your eggs are perfectly healthy. Go off and procreate!" So I've decided Wednesday is the day. I have to teach in the afternoon, so SIL has agreed to watch Sara from the time I go to the Dr. until my lesson finishes. Bless her!

So on to more interesting topics. During Golden Week I went to Nagoya for a full day of belly dance workshops with 3 Egyptian choreographers and dancers. WOW! They were awe-inspiring. 2 men and 1 woman. The woman is the next big up and coming dancer in Egypt, so it was really exciting to get to meet her in person and learn her signature choreography and just to watch her move was worth paying for.

But wow, such an incredibly humbling experience. I've never been particularly good at picking up choreography. Normally when you're taking lessons, you have months to learn one choreography from start to finish, and believe me I need months. 3 hours for one 5-7 minute choreography just about shorts out my brain, so I was definitely feeling like an ass when all these women around me are dancing the choreography perfectly by the end of the 3 hours, considering we've gone over it about 783 times at that point, and I'm still stumbling through not able to take my eyes off the person in front of me. Not that everyone was dancing it perfectly, but I was the only non-Japanese person there, aside from the instructors, so I kinda stood out just a little bit. I'm still having visions of them sitting around their hotel room going "man, that whitey girl was the worst one of the group".

I was only able to do the first hour of the last workshop. I forgot to bring my dance shoes, and by the middle of the first workshop I started getting blisters on the bottoms of both my feet. By the middle of the second workshop (this is somewhere in the 4th or 5th hour of dancing barefoot) the blisters popped. After the 7th hour I could barely walk, let alone dance, and my feet were hurting so badly that whatever little choreography remembering skills I might have tucked away somewhere in my brain were completely overtaken by the pain part of my brain. So I had to sit out the last two hours and just watch. I was seriously disappointed, because it was a style of dance that I really want to learn. But I took a video of the dance on my phone, so that will have to be good enough I guess. My feet however were much worse for wear, so much so that I ended up going to the hospital when I got back to Nagano the next evening.

My feet had swollen up to the point where I couldn't move my big toes and it was incredibly painful to wear shoes, so I thought some bacteria had gotten into the popped blisters, cause let me tell you, the blisters were HUGE. But the doctor said, nope, just big blisters causing my feet to swell. They put some (big-ass) band-aids on my feet, and sent me home. Since then though, I have slowly been falling apart. My right hip and knee have gone funny and I can't sit on the floor with my legs crossed now. Very painful. Not sure how I'm going to teach a lesson tomorrow night without hurting some other part of my body or making what is already bad, worse, but I will have to manage somehow because I need the income!

I plan on going to Tokyo later this month for another workshop with the father of modern belly dance. Very super excited about that. Then next month I'm going to a workshop in Osaka with a major belly dance star in Egypt. Pretty excited about that one too. Then I'm going back to Osaka like 3 weeks later at the beginning of July for a friend's wedding, and I just got a phone call today from another friend in Osaka inviting me to their wedding at the end of July. Have yet to decide if I'll be going to that one yet. T was more of a "friend with benefits" in my swinging single days, and Akinori knows all about him and our history. In fact when he called today, I hung up the phone and Akinori was like, "That was T, wasn't it?" Mind you, I haven't spoken to T since before Sara was born I don't think, so how on earth Akinori figured that out is well beyond me, but sometimes it scares me how well he knows me. I mean really scares me. But I digress. The point is there is a lot of travel and expenditure in my near future that I need to pay for somehow, and I can't let some monster blisters or a few wonky joints get in my way.

Okay, that's a week worth of blogging right there I think. Gotta get some work done before we conduct the opening ceremonies of baby-making week in the Kaneta household.

The wait is over

and I'm not pregnant. That's all for now.

Time to sit back and just wait

Did another HPT this morning with fmu and got the exact same results as yesterday. No darker, no lighter. I watched the damn thing for the entire 10 minutes after I peed on it. It looks exactly like the one in yesterday's photo. But my temp is way down this morning. Seeing that makes it hard to remain hopeful. You're supposed to wait until you're a week late for reason I suppose. Anyway, too tired of the hoping/guessing. Got to give myself a reality check and just wait a little longer without getting my hopes up. Thanks for all the support folks.

You be the judge

I got the pink kind this time. Was gonna wait until tomorrow morning since I already did one this morning, but we all know how good I am at waiting. See the line on the left? Or is it just me? Do the pink ones not get evaporation lines at all? Or just not as obviously? Anyway, what do you think?

Another brief update (maybe TMI - be warned)

If AF is coming, she's probably making her appearance today, but my temps are still way up. I would be very surprised if she did show up. Also, she usually shows up first thing in the morning with a BM. I did have a BM, which I was totally scared to do for fear she would show up, but she didn't. Took another HPT, and the same result, only a very faint, possibly not even there, line. I am seriously going nuts at this point. I've been charting using Fertility Friend.com though, and according to my chart, FF thinks that I may have implanted 12 DPO (days post ovulation). That would account for the negative/faint HPTs until now. BUT there all these studies that show that implanting after 10dpo leaves you with a really high chance of miscarriage. Ok, I guess I'm still waiting. Hopefully I'll have some kind of (happy) update soon!

Nada

No AF and no conclusive HPT. Still waiting. Maybe tomorrow I'll have an answer.
In other news, yesterday Akinori's sister announced that she is pregnant again. I'd love to expand on how I am feeling about all this at the moment, but I have a 5p.m. deadline, and it's 2p.m. Gotta prioritize.

Continued

So my temperature was still way up this morning, so I did an HPT first thing and the line did not show up nearly as quickly as it did yesterday, and now I'm convinced that what I'm seeing is an evaporation line. The temperature thing is a bit confusing, but AF's not really due until tomorrow or the day after anyway, so I guess there's nothing to do but wait at this point, and try not to spend what little savings we have left on HPTs.

Fingers are still crossed, but spirits are way down. I was sure this was the month. Damn!

Butterflies in my stomach and ants in my pants

I know I shouldn't be blogging right now. I should be working. And I definitely shouldn't be blogging about this, but dammit, I'm going nuts and Akinori is being all level-headed and adult, so I have to do something to release this energy!

So after a truly wonderfully lovely day with lovely wonderful friends and their lovely wonderful children, we did a little shopping. We went to Toys R Us and got Sara a little chair that farts for you when you sit down on it because she will actually sit in one of those chairs for an extended amount of time, and we are desperately trying to teach her to sit down and eat. Lots of pacing and trying to stuff food in mouth as child passes, going on in our house. We also bought her her first baby doll. She's got lots of stuffed animals, but no dolls. Today she had the opportunity to play with one (thank you Amy!), and seemed to really like it, and Akinori noticed her playing with the doll's hair. The hope is that she will fall asleep while holding the doll and playing with her hair, instead of mine. I cannot tell you how many times I wake up in the middle of the night because my hair is being pulled. It's not a pleasant feeling. I'm desperately hoping this doll will replace me as her lovey.

After our little shopping spree Akinori asked if there was any other shopping we needed to do, and I spit out that I wanted to get some HPTs. The one I did yesterday was an internet strip. I wanted some real HPTs that I can trust. I know I should just wait until my period is late, but seriously, who can wait? I mean really? Who has the patience? Maybe there are people out there who can. Not me. Honestly, I probably could've waited if it weren't for the fact that my temps the fast several days have been very consistent. Usually, although they are all over my post ovulation cover line, they are a bit up and down and kind of all over the place. This time not so. Bit up and down the first few days, and then the last several they have all been 36.8-something. I couldn't help getting excited.

Bought the HPTs, brought them back home, and decided to wait until tomorrow morning to do one. Took a nap with Sara, woke up, had to pee, decided I couldn't wait and peed on a stick. Result - possibly positive. It's very faint, but I made sure to buy the same kind I bought last time, and the result is definitely visible this time. Obviously going to do another one tomorrow, if I can wait that long. Fingers and toes crossed that this is the real deal. Like I said, Akinori is being all level-headed and "I'm not getting excited until I see a dark line." But when I was pregnant with Sara he was the same. I knew 3 days after my period was late, and he was like, "Let's just wait to take a test." Funny, I was actually able to wait for my period to be late a whole week before I took a test that time. Probably because we weren't actually trying to get pregnant then. We were just not trying to not get pregnant anymore. Anyway, I'm all fluttery in my stomach and my nose itches, which is what happens when I get excited.

Okay, gotta get Sara in her bath now, but you may be hearing from me again if I feel the need to unload some of my excitement again.

Edit: I couldn't wait, and tried using an OPK as an HPT because I read on the all-knowing internet that you could do that. Well, either the OPKs I have are shit, or I'm not pregnant. I'm hoping for shitty OPKs. I hate this time of the month. Really, really, really, really hate it!

Hello again

I haven't felt like blogging for awhile. Nothing really to blog about I guess. More likely the fact that I have had a ton of work the last several weeks, so if I'm on the computer I feel like I should be working, not blogging. Although that hasn't kept me from checking Facebook, or other people's blogs. So I guess the real answer would be laziness, and nothing to blog about. It's still cold, and I'm tired of complaining about the weather. Plus, it's cold everywhere. We are no long special in Nagano. Now we're normal. I'm kind of happy about that. Because it would sure suck a lot more if it were only cold in Nagano and not everywhere else in Japan too.

One more reason I haven't felt like blogging is the whole trying to get pregnant thing. I'm tired of blogging about that too, but it's on my mind ALL the time, and part of me wants my next post to be telling the world about how I am with child. Alas, that does not seem to be the case yet. AF is due in a couple of days, and I did an HPT today with a negative result, so hopes are not very high. I even had a dream, just before I woke up, that I got my period several days early and I was crying because I wanted to be pregnant. Not a good sign. Though I have had dreams the last few months just before getting AF, about doing HPTs with positive results. So really, it doesn't seem that my dreams are a very reliable source of information.

I was actually going to wait and do the HPT until after AF was due this time, but today is Akinori's birthday, so I thought it would be a nice birthday present if the HPT was positive. Well it was a nice idea anyway. His actual present, or so I have told him, will be an iPad when they finally come to Japan. It will also be his Father's day present, Anniversary present and Christmas present, for the next 10 years possibly. Not going to get into the money situation right now because it will only depress me, but trust me if I did, it would depress you too.

His mom gave him 10,000 yen, and told us to have a nice meal with it. Taking Sara out for a nice meal is a miracle waiting to happen, and Akinori wanted to be able to relax while we ate, so we ordered up a shitload of Domino's. Like an honest-to-goodness shitload. Large pizza, pasta breadbowl thingy (which we didn't even touch and are leaving it for breakfast tomorrow. I know, we pride ourselves on our good nutrition.) chicken, fried potatoes. The works. Akinori got to keep the change. Happy birthday honey!

I went and got Akinori a cake today too (which we didn't eat because we were so full from all the pizza and crap), but when Sara and I came out of the cake shop, I was holding her hand and we walked to the car, instead of me carrying her. We got to the car and I let go of her hand for all of two seconds while I put the cake in the car, and I turn around and she was gone. I turn around further to find that she has run out of the parking lot and INTO THE STREET!!! My god, I still get heart palpitations every time I think about it. I ran after her, and she thought it was funny and started running herself and laughing while looking back at me, not at the oncoming traffic, not that she knows the difference anyway. That some big huge car could actually run her over and kill her. Luckily she didn't run into the middle of the street and stayed close to the curb, and it's not a very busy street.

After I grabbed her though and got her in her car seat, I was shaking all over. I couldn't stop, and then the tears started. The waterworks started again when Akinori got home and I told him what happened. I can't even watch a TV show about something horrible happening to a child without crying buckets and grabbing Sara close for a cuddle, and here I am, letting go of her hand in a parking lot. How incredibly stupid am I? I have definitely learned my lesson though. If there is a god, I hope that was her way of teaching me a lesson, and no other horrible tragedy is going to fall upon my baby. I don't know what I would do. I feel awful though. I must have apologized to Sara a million times in the car, and she just looked back at me and laughed like I was crying because I lost a game we were playing. All I could think was "I'm one of those parents that I always look down on because they don't watch their children properly, and now that's what everyone is thinking about me." Seriously, being a parent has made me feel more dumb than I have ever felt in my life.

So that is what you have been missing out on folks. I've got to get to bed now or I'm going to be a wreck for the lovely day we have planned tomorrow that was supposed to be a BBQ with friends, and is now lunch at a Thai restaurant due to crappy cold weather. Goodnight bloggy world!

Into the light

Just want to thank everyone for their hugs and positive vibes in your comments on my last post. It took a little while, but I am feeling much, much better. Sometimes I wonder if I am bipolar, but I am pretty sure that nearly everyone has these feelings from time to time. I mean that's life, right? Ups and downs. If there were no downs, there would be no ups. It's all about balance, and I am finally feeling some of that, so all is good right now.

Of course the weather is a super huge major factor. The absolutely gorgeous weather we have had most of the week, and especially today has done wonders for my mood! I just hope it stays this beautiful! I'm also finally finished with the pain-in-the-ass project, and that is a huge weight off my mind. I have another big proofreading project lined up, worth semi-big bucks, so I am happy to have a steady stream of work at the moment. The new project was supposed to start this past Thursday, but the prior project went on longer than expected so the new project was put off until Monday. I was pretty happy when I found out since I knew if I had the work in front of me, I wouldn't really be able to relax over the weekend, and just the thought of that gave me little stress shivers. I really wanted to relax for just a bit, especially since Akinori has both Saturday and Sunday off for the first time in ages this weekend.

Today we went to the zoo with some friends of ours. They have a little girl just 2 months older than Sara, and the girls get along really well. They even hugged when we said goodbye today, and Sara cried when we finally pried them apart. Kind of surprising to see that kind of attachment to anyone other than myself or Akinori, but very heartwarming, and so so cute! I'll have to post some photos when I've got more time. After the zoo, we all went to lunch/dinner at my favorite hamburger joint, and Sara slept practically the entire time we were in the restaurant which meant Akinori and I could actually enjoy our meals. It was sooooo nice!

On the way home we drove past the park behind our house to check out hanami prospects. The cherry blossoms are just now starting to bloom so things look good for the BBQ we are planning on having in the park next weekend. There are all kinds of yatai out already though so we decided that's where we'll have dinner when the weather is nice enough to go for a walk in the evenings this week. Means I don't have to cook, and no conbini food! Win-win! (Not that yatai food is even remotely healthy, but that's not really the point here. Besides we're going to walk to the park and back which should make up for the unhealthiness of what we eat, right?)

No real plans for tomorrow which is dangerous. It means there is a good possibility we will sit around in our pajamas until 3p.m. when we finally decide to get out of the house. But since I woke up at the crack of dawn with Sara this morning, and Akinori got another hour of peaceful sleep, he has agreed to wake up with Sara tomorrow and let me sleep in. Just the thought of that makes me smile. He is also going to cook dinner tomorrow - my belated white day present. I told him before I didn't want him to buy me anything. I would much prefer a few hours to myself, or to not have to cook dinner, or to sleep in, than anything he could possibly buy for me. He had planned on making paella on White Day, but I think we were both exhausted after a day of shopping, and the paella got postponed. So last night he announced, without any prompting from me, that he would cook Sunday night's dinner. Yeah! Another reason to be in a good mood.

Sara has finally nodded off so I am off to pop some popcorn and some cans of beer open, and watch a movie with my darling hub (he's obviously in my good book this week). I hope everyone else is enjoying this gloriously beautiful weekend too!

Dark place

That is where I am right now, and I need to get out because it feels awful in here! I think it's a combination of the crappy, most-un-spring-like weather EVER! and all the work I have to do, and of course my shithead husband being an asshole to me today, and I'm afraid to say it...PMS (please please PLEASE! don't be PMS! please be whacked out pregnancy hormones!!)

I don't feel like blogging, but I really feel like I need to get some thoughts out or I might just burst. This isn't going to make a lot of sense, mostly just babble so I can clear my head. You've been warned.

The amount of work I have to do is definitely weighing down hard on me. And what sucks is that it's not even really interesting. Akinori has taken Sara out for a little while so I can get some done, which is why I feel kind of guilty about blogging instead. I think he just did that in attempt to be nice and apologize for his assholeness earlier. He wasn't even being a true asshole. I was probably being more of an asshole. In fact, now that I think about it. He definitely wasn't being an asshole. What gets me is how immature he is. That is what bothers me more than anything. And I start thinking about whether I can live with that aspect of him forever, and ever, and then I get depressed because I don't want to live with that aspect, but I don't want to live without him. How do you force someone to behave like an adult? I suppose you have to love everything about your partner, the good and the bad, and sometimes his immaturity is charming, but when we're fighting I want to send him to his room without dinner, because I feel more like a mother arguing with her 10 year-old son.

It's my fault too. I get bitchy, and when I get bitchy, he gets bitchy back. I want the right to get bitchy though! I don't want to feel like I have to control all my bitchy urges because it's going to lead to a fight. Why can't I say something bitchy once in awhile and have him just ignore it? Why can't he just assume it's PMS or something else, completely unrelated to him, and just let it go?

I wish it was just Akinori bothering me because I know that will blow over. My trip to Osaka may have done more harm than good. I just miss it there. I miss all of my friends. I don't hate life here, but I will never stop missing Osaka I don't think, and compounded with the weather and fighting, it just seems all that more attractive right now.

Okay, guilt is starting to set in even further. I really need to get some work done if I ever want to dig myself out of this black hole. Sorry for depressing the masses. Just not in a good place today.

Quick catch up

Been kind of busy the last few weeks. I can't remember if I mentioned that I got the project that would send me to Osaka, and therefore went to Osaka with Sara last Friday, and was supposed to stay until Tuesday morning, but ended up staying until Wednesday afternoon. My trip to Osaka just brought on a whole slew of emotions in me that had sort of been dormant in the last several months.

To start, I arrived in Osaka, and left Sara with Fiona and Emi, who I really cannot thank enough for taking care of Sara. I don't know what I would have done without her, though Sara's crying and freaking out about being without her mommy in a new place with new people seems to have traumatized both Fiona and Emi. So, so, sorry. Everything would have been so much easier if I could have just taken her with me, but that would have been impossible. Oh well. No one died, so I guess it could have been worse.

I was glad to have my meeting behind me to enjoy the rest of the weekend, however, the friend we were supposed to stay with Friday and Saturday texted me at noon on Friday to say she was sick and we couldn't stay with her. Hello!!! Couldn't she have at least texted me the night before?! If it was just me, I really wouldn't have been too concerned, but it was me and my 15 month old child. Really not cool. She did offer to get a hotel room for us and pay for it, but I didn't feel right about that, so I told her we would work it out and not to worry.

I thought about calling Corinne who was unbelievably kind in offering to let Sara and me stay with her, but I had SO much stuff, there was no way I would be able to get Sara, myself and all our stuff to her place, and then the thought of having to get back on the train and do it all again to stay with the friends who had a room for us the last two nights made me want to cry, so I got a really super cheap hotel room very near to my friends' place for Friday night, and I called every hotel in the city, but none had a room available for Saturday, so we crashed at a different friends' place on Saturday night. We probably could have crashed there Friday as well, but I didn't want to put them out too much since they have 2 kids and a tiny place. But it's very good to have good friends. I was seriously feeling the love.

Sunday I went to my other friend's place. She and her husband had been to Hokkaido and didn't get back until late Saturday which is why we didn't stay with them until Sunday. They have the most beautiful apartment! OH MY GOD! And it is in the most convenient place (although a little noisy for raising kids, which they are expecting their first in July) and I would just love to live there forever. If we ever get our house built and it looks 1/10th as nice, I will be happy. Although I can't imagine that it will since we are poor and they are not. I really loved being in such a beautiful, relaxing atmosphere, but at the same time it sort of made me depressed about the reality of my life. I don't want money to purchase nice material possessions. I would prefer to carry a 1000 yen handbag to something with some designer's name splashed all over it. I don't need fancy clothes (although having a GAP in Nagano would be the best thing to ever possibly happen to me). I'm just not into fancy cars and clothes and crap like that. But I want a nice house and nice place to live. That would make me happy. And I want to be able to travel. I don't mind staying in $10/night accommodations, I just want to see other places.

Having friends who are rich, and can afford whatever they want, is kind of depressing. I know money isn't everything. I know we will never be rich, and I'm happy with that. But seeing how those who "have" live, is just a little depressing. Knowing that my fantasy is their reality just kind of depressed me. Enough said about that.

Monday we went to my former office. That was more emotional for me than I ever imagined it would be. I had plans to have lunch with some former co-workers before going to the office to say hello. I could see a few of them crossing the street as I was approaching from the station and all of a sudden I got all teary-eyed. Then I walked into the restaurant where we were meeting and 8 of them were standing around the table waiting for us, and I just burst out crying. I really missed them, a lot more than I even realized. It was so good to see them all, and to see that nothing had really changed.

When we did get to the office it was just craziness with everyone fawning all over Sara and the excitement of seeing everyone. It really felt like coming home again. Then I got some really awful news that kind of put me over the edge for the day and the remainder of my trip. One of the managers, a woman around 40, definitely not much older, had passed away about a month prior to my visit. I kind of lost it a little. She was a friend and she was kind and fantastic at her job. She encouraged me at a time when I felt completely worthless, and was always full of praise. She was fun and funny and someone you could always, always, without fail, count on. I still can't believe she's gone.

A little while ago when I wrote about my JET friend and my 1st boyfriend's mother dying, I was actually thinking, there's got to be a 3rd, death always comes in 3's. I was hoping I was wrong, but unfortunately I wasn't. This woman passed away on the same day as my ex-boyfriend's mom actually. The world is definitely a lonelier, darker, sadder place without you Toda-san. I pray that you are no longer in pain and resting peacefully, looking down at all of us who you protected on earth, and doing the same from heaven.

Apparently Toda-san's family didn't inform the office of her funeral arrangements, and the office took it upon themselves to have a ceremony for her, which was scheduled for Tuesday night, which is why I changed my plans to come back to Nagano on Wednesday instead. I'm glad I stayed even though Sara prevented me from really participating very much. Not much you can do about that, but at least I was there and I got to say goodbye.

So besides being exhausted from the trip, and from working on this project, which is depriving me of sleep in a major way, the unexpected turn of events while I was in Osaka, has just kind of drained me of much blogging motivation. I'm having a lot of trouble shaking the sadness. I'm hoping that getting it all out here will be therapeutic for me, I mean afterall, that's what this blog was intended for, right?

Big old bloggy purge!

So I had originally planned on writing a post last Sunday about what a saint my husband is because he took Sara out on an errand he had for 3 whole hours in the afternoon leaving me alone at home to do as I pleased. His errand was actually a meeting of sorts with one of his Yahoo Auction "friends" (Grr), but he knew I wouldn't be pleased about him taking a precious few hours of the weekend out to go off and do something I not only didn't necessarily approve of, but to also leave me with our daughter who I look after 24/7 6 days a week would have probably pushed me over the edge, so right from the start he offered to take Sara with him. All of a sudden I was thrilled to see him go off on a Sunday afternoon.

I didn't have any mad parties, but I did vacuum all the rooms, finally put away 3 baskets full or laundry, washed the kitchen floor, baked brownies, watched a little CSI and some other random stuff that I can't normally do with Sara around. Akinori met his friend at this awesome 50's style hamburger joint near the interchange and actually came home with an avocado/gorgonzola burger and fries for me. This put him in my good books for awhile, but by the time I had finished all that cleaning and whatnot I was too tired to blog Sunday, and the rest of the week was actually super busy.

Monday I taught two belly dance classes. The one I taught in the morning was the "Mommy and me" class I teach once a month, where the leader lady is pretty much taking advantage of me, and the leader lady wasn't even there this time! Two new ladies to the class were there though, and I'm sure they were surprised when they showed up expecting an English conversation class and getting a belly dance lesson instead. That class is a total joke, but they pay me so I'm not going to complain.

The Monday night lesson was at the dance studio. I really like the students in that class, but the owners can bite me! They pulled me aside afterward and said they had a meeting with their accountant and he said that paying me 40% of the lesson fee was too much, and would I accept 30%? I'd like to meet that bastard accountant! I really don't know where they even find the nerve within themselves to ask me if I will work for such a pittance. It is truly an insult. They said that if there were lots of students, paying me 40% wouldn't be so difficult for them, and I told them that if there were lots of students I wouldn't need 40%, 30% would suffice, but until there are at least 10 students, I can't accept anything less than 40%. They said they'd like to have 20 students between the 2 classes I teach. That's just dandy. Let me know when they sign up. Too tired after all that to blog on Monday.

Tuesday our little playgroup went out to lunch at this awesome place. It was a karaoke box (is that what they're called in English?), now turned into a restaurant. Each individual room still has the karaoke machine, but they also have slides and toys and stuff for little kids to play on and keep themselves occupied with while the adults eat their meals, and they also have a great kids menu - perfect portions, yummy food. It was great! Don't have to worry about disturbing other customers. Don't have to worry about keeping your kid occupied while you try to eat. What a fabulous idea! The weather was absolute crap though all day and all night.

That night I taught another belly dance class. One of my students, an American girl on the JET program told me that she was actually interested in teaching the dance studio's son English in exchange for ballroom dance lessons, so after our lesson I took her over to the studio to meet the weirdo couple and their son. I told the weirdo couple the night before about my student and they asked me to bring her by, which is why I did, and then the father tells us that they actually found a teacher for the son a few weeks ago, and the son is happy with that teacher. WTF?! Why didn't he tell me that the night before?! The wife actually got really angry and told him that he was totally rude for not telling me sooner and for wasting all of our time. So then after 40 minutes of his endless, nonsensical, blah blah blah he finally says that he would like my student to teach HIM English, and he'll teach her dance in exchange. Why the fuck couldn't he just tell me that the night before? And why couldn't he spit that out the first 10 minutes we were sitting there instead of taking an hour of our time to finally get to the point? I swear he is a senile bastard. Anyway, that whole exchange left me way too tired to blog Tuesday night.

Wednesday I had another belly dance class at the studio. Instead of putting Sara in daycare though, my SIL offered to take her for the afternoon. Sweet! She even picked her up and dropped her off AND fed her lunch. Seriously the best daycare service ever! And free! The senile old bastard at the dance studio managed to piss me off yet again though. I asked him if there was somewhere I could park my car during the Wednesday lesson since paying for daycare and parking was leaving me way in the red for the Wednesday classes. He told me to park in front of his car. I get to the studio at 12:40 for the 1:00 lesson. His car isn't there yet. If I park first, he'll have to park behind me blocking me in, so I drive around the block TWICE. Still not there and it's 12:50. I give up and use the paid parking lot next door. Studio is locked of course because the senile bastard has yet to arrive. He finally walks in at 1:00 exactly. He has a phone and he has my number. Why in the hell didn't he call me to tell me he'd be late? At least the lesson went well.

SIL brought Sara back around 4 and she and her 2 kids hung around for an or so, which was really fun since I hadn't seen them in ages. I threw dinner together in about half an hour that night and was thinking about how that was proof that my domestic skills have drastically improved recently and was going to blog about that on Wednesday night. So I get on the computer and remember that I have to take care of some banking. So I log onto our savings account (it's our savings account now, but it was MY savings account before we were married, there is still only 1 ATM card, and it sits in my wallet). I'm looking at the balance and something is terribly wrong. There is no way there should be such a small amount in the account. I look at all the transactions, and a few weeks earlier 500,000 yen was withdrawn. I start freaking out because I know I didn't take that money out. I call Akinori into the room all in a panic because someone has stolen 500,000 yen from our account and I can't figure out how and with this much time passed how will we ever find who did it and we have to call the police and and and, Akinori takes my hands and starts to kneel. This is not a good sign at all.

He gives me this whole sob story about how someone he sold something to 2 years ago has come back claiming that the item was fake and he wanted his money back. Akinori promised him that it was original and that if he didn't believe him, he would buy it back from him at any time. So the guy had been having a fit about it and it looked like he was getting ready to take some drastic measures and Akinori knew I wouldn't lend him the money so one morning before work he took the ATM card out of my wallet and withdrew the money from the 7-11 down the street and came back and put the card back in my wallet, and has just been praying ever since that I wouldn't check the account until he was able to put the money back in, which will supposedly be this Monday. We'll see about that. Remember the 470,000 yen from January? Yeah well I just FINALLY got that back Tuesday, and the sneaky bastard said "give me the ATM card, I'll put it in the bank since I have to go anyway and pull the money out of my account" so that I wouldn't see the balance for myself. I asked him for the statement receipt when he got back because he ALWAYS comes back with one, and of course this time he conveniently forgot. It all started to make sense. Needless to say Akinori is out of the good books and into the you'll-be-lucky-if-you-come-home-tomorrow-and-the-locks-aren't-changed books. I was devastated, and cried through all of his excuses and explanations. I can't believe he would steal from our account! He keeps correcting me and telling me that he borrowed the money, not stole it. But until I get that money back, it was stolen. Bastard's lucky I don't call the cops on him! Too exhausted from that whole experience to blog Wednesday night.

Thursday was awesome! It was the one day this week I didn't have a belly dance class to teach, and though I love belly dance, too much of a good thing can get a little tiring. My friend H came up from Matsumoto and although we've hung out many, many times, it's always been in a group of people, and I always thought, "You know I would really like to just hang out with H one-on-one. I think we would have a good time together and LOTS to talk about." And of course I was right. LOTS to talk about, GREAT time! We started out at our house, which was good because when we went out for lunch Sara gave us both a great workout by making us chase her all over the restaurant. Not conducive to great, continuous conversation, but we managed.

After we took H to the bus stop Sara and I went shopping for some household stuff and then I had this fantastic idea. I would take Sara to a pet shop so she could see the dogs, since she seems to like them so much. I'm not sure what came over me or why I thought this was a fantastic idea, but we went to one of the few pet shops I know of around here. It is probably the stinkiest too, and the smell was stuck in my hair and clothes well after we got home. Ugh. But Sara seemed to enjoy looking at the dogs and cats and properly "wan wan" ed at the dogs and "nyah" ed at the cats. I was very proud of her for being able to make the distinction. She definitely did not want to leave though, which is when I realized my fantastic idea was really a disaster waiting to happen. Luckily my daughter only nuts out for a minute or two before becoming distracted by something else. When we got home I once again threw dinner together in 3o minutes. Getting good at that! Not in the mood to blog though as I had to think about what I was going to do for the belly dance lesson I had today.

This morning I taught a one-off lesson sponsored by the city as "refreshment time for moms". The jidokan we go to offers these courses for moms once in awhile, along with babysitting services while the moms are "refreshing" themselves for an hour. They asked me awhile back if I would be interested in teaching one someday, and I said sure. So we set a date and it was this morning. I thought I had told them 10 people would be the ideal maximum, but somehow that turned into 20 and they were still turning people away.

It was a GREAT class though! Didn't get much done, but all the ladies seemed to really enjoy themselves, and they were all gung-ho about coming to one of my other classes and at the end the jidokan staff member asked if they would be interested in another belly dance "refreshment" class and they all raised their hands. Very satisfying! And they paid me 5000 yen! That's way more than the tight-ass couple at the dance studio pay me for an 80-minute class! And they validated my parking for 5 hours!! And I got free babysitting for an hour!!! That was definitely an excellent deal!

At the very end, when only a handful of the ladies were left, two of them asked if I ever performed anywhere as they would like to see what a full on choreography looked like, so I put the music back on and did a short choreography for them. One of the other remaining ladies started crying because she said she was so moved. I thought that was a little overboard, but I was still flattered. The woman and I were actually in the same maternity yoga class when I first moved to Nagano and she seemed a little emotionally unbalanced then too. But maybe I can use her reaction in my promotional flyers and stuff, "Brenda has been known to move people to tears with her beautiful performances." Sounds good, eh?

There were lots of familiar faces there though, so hopefully today's class will have served as an icebreaker for the next time I see the same moms at the jidokan, and they will come up and chat with me and maybe I can make some lovely new friends!

After the jidokan I took Sara for her measles and mumps vaccination. Lots of fun that was. She started to get whiny when I was pulling off her sweater and shirt in the inner waiting room and the full on waterworks started as soon as we sat down in front of the doctor. The crying lasted until we walked out the door. It was a gorgeous day though so I decided that it would be a waste to just go to the grocery store and go back home so in another stroke of genius I decided we should visit the free zoo that's kind of behind our house.

That was fun. We were there for the sea lions feeding time, but unfortunately Sara was more interested in collecting rocks. It was a good way to enjoy the nice weather though, and certainly more fun than grocery shopping! Sara "wan wan" ed at the sea lions and miniature horse, and "nyah"ed at the monkeys, so yeah, I think she's got all of the appropriate animal sounds worked out.

I was exhausted after everything today too, but I figured if I didn't start getting some of this out here. words were going to start pouring out of my ears as I have rewritten this blog so many times in my head this week!

One more piece of news. My Osaka trip has been confirmed for next weekend! Yeah! Unfortunately the friend I was hoping to stay with is going to be out of town the 1st two nights I'm going to be there, but I'm sure I can find somewhere else without a problem. I can always stay in my old apartment with my crazy friends who live there now, but their living arrangement really tends to be quite crazy and I don't know if I want to subject my 15-month old daughter to that just yet. I stayed there last year when Sara was 3 months old and totally regretted it, and ended up getting really sick and going home sooner than planned.

I am really looking forward to visiting Osaka though. Not so looking forward to the 4 hour train ride with Sara, but I'm sure we'll manage somehow. Not so looking forward to the project that I am going to Osaka for in the first place either. I had a glimpse at it yesterday and it is really super convoluted. Hopefully this meeting will shed some light on the process, and of course the money I will earn is always welcome.

Alrighty, well now that I've gotten everything there could possibly be clinging to me off my chest, it is time for bed! Night all!

So long yesterday!

I decided I couldn't post yesterday because there was no way I would have been able to keep up the whole new positive me image. It was just not a great day. I had trouble sleeping the night before because I was anxious about whether or not my period would come, and taking Sara to hoikuen. My sleep wasn't aided at all by little knees and feet in my stomach and back all night, or sudden hair pulling every now and again. It is definitely time to move Sara to her crib. Sleeping in bed with us is just getting way too uncomfortable.

So my period did come. Enough said about that. At least now I know when I see those faint lines that I REALLY shouldn't get my hopes up and once and for all, I SHOULD NOT DO AN HPT UNTIL AF IS AT LEAST A WEEK LATE!!! When is this going to sink in for me? I feel so thick! Waiting is just so damn hard! It's also hard not to freak out about whether or not I can actually get pregnant again. But we shall persevere. As I've said before, at least it's a pleasant process :)

Then the whole Sara and hoikuen business. I dropped her off and she was fine. I knew she would be. She's not the type to freak out right away. It takes her a little while. She's super curious, so I had a feeling that it would happen exactly like the teacher said it did. She wandered around for awhile checking stuff out and taking it all in, and then it hit her that I wasn't around, and there was no mollifying her. She cried and cried until she cried herself to sleep, which is what she was still doing when I got there. Poor bunny.

The time we were apart wasn't all that wonderful for me either. I just gave Sara a little wave goodbye and told her I would be back later. Then got in the car and had a wee cry and off to the belly dance lesson, which was not all that much fun. It was one of those lessons, where the students don't get it, and somehow I feel like they are blaming me for not being able to do it. This lesson is 2 older, as in 10 or so years older than me, ladies, and one of them kept saying, she would buy a hip scarf when she got better, and she would wear something that showed her stomach once she got better. Woman - if I tell you, you need a hip scarf, you NEED a hip scarf. If I tell you you need to show me your stomach, you NEED to show me your stomach. I cannot help you if I can't see how your body is or is not moving. With a baggy T-shirt and baggy sweatpants I have no idea if the way you are moving is even close to what you should be doing, and frankly neither do you since you can't see yourself in the mirror anymore than I can.

This is why I hate teaching English. It doesn't happen through osmosis, or just because you WANT to speak English. You have to practice and study and work at it, and at the very least, if you don't listen to your teacher's advice, it's never going to happen. Okay, well I probably just blew up all the brain cells my positive thoughts over the past few days had nurtured, but I feel like I needed that little rant.

After the lesson I went for Mosburger and actually sat inside the restaurant and ate lunch by myself. It was nice to have a few moments to myself, but nearly as nice as I had previously imagined, and I felt too guilty to really enjoy it. I went to pick up Sara just before 4, took her home, and we both got some really good cuddles in. It didn't take long before Sara was back to her usual self though, perfectly happy to play on her own.

But in the end, I think the events of the day did take some toll on her because she had a super-sized-all-out-nut-out tantrum around 9 because I wouldn't let her play with the salt and pepper shakers while I was trying to eat my dinner. I can't wait until she understands what "This is not a toy" really means. Akinori was kind enough to scarf down what he was eating, and take Sara in the other room, and shove a bottle in her mouth so I could have a few minutes of true peace and quiet. (Your husband looking after your child and a complete stranger looking after your child are two completely different things!) By the time I finished washing the dishes and went back into the living room Sara was knocked out. Poor poor bunny.

I was pretty knocked out from my day too and we were all in bed before midnight, which is literally unheard of in our house. I did manage to write my appreciation diary before going to sleep though. I thought about doing it in the morning, but then I thought better of it. If ever there was a day I needed to go to sleep thinking positive thoughts, it was yesterday.